I don't think the fear is DRIVING my decisions... I'm just generally terrified and having to convince myself to move in any direction (including reaching out to a new lawyer).
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I know it's a lot to take on board. You may well feel much less fear when you have a solicitor you are comfortable with. I saw two solicitors and the first didn't inspire confidence. But I thought the second one was great - and knowing that I would be working with her makes me feel better about the process I may have to go through.
I was dreading choosing a solicitor, but I feel much happier and more in control now that I have.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I can understand the fear. It's partly because you're embarking on the unknown so of course you're afraid but...
... perhaps because you also know you're entering a new chapter and there's bound to be change and bi decisions ahead. You're on the cusp of profound change and it would be strange if you weren't a little bit terrified, Maybell.
But I'm also terrified that I will let that fear keep me from ever having what I want, which is a home of my own to raise the children in. Stability. The ease of relaxing into a space and not thinking of it as temporary.
Maybell- You can do all of this. You can. There will probably be bumps and hiccups along the way, but you will get through them and you will guide and protect your children.
Don't let the fear keep you from investigating the possibilities. That house was on the market last spring? That sounds like a potentially motivated seller to me. And there is nothing to be lost by looking into it further.
The only practical thing I would advise is that right now your H doesn't want to fight and wants to be reasonable. From what you've written, there doesn't seem to be a reason to think that would change - but you never know. So I would certainly be pretty aggressive about finding a atty you are comfortable with and getting the process going while everyone is on the same page.
This is your time to build the life that you want. Don't let your fears stand in your way.
Maybell, I work in the real estate industry ( mortgage loans, more precisely) and I would suggest the following:
Check your state laws regarding marital property. I am pretty sure that even if you get the property deeded in your name only, he will have to sign the mortgage and in some states can still claim half the property.
I have no idea what your current income is, and it doesn't matter. Just know that the standard debt to income ratio right now is 43%. That means your mortgage payment plus taxes and insurance plus any other monthly debt paymentcannot be more than 43% of your gross income. Currently your mortgage payment cannot be more than 28% of your gross income.
Most lending insitutions require one year on the job, or at least a history of positive job changes.
I won't bore you with any other details or info but you can ask me if you want or need to know more.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
I don't think the fear is DRIVING my decisions... I'm just generally terrified and having to convince myself to move in any direction (including reaching out to a new lawyer).
Terrified is a big emotion and I think if you sit with that for while it may go from terrified to I can do this.
Very few things in life have to be done RIGHT NOW!
If you looked at the house previously, thought it fit you and your family and it's just the fear of doing this on your own, that's one thing.
If it's that you're generally terrified and have to do something to make that better and buying a house and moving seems to be it, then you might want to sit tight for awhile.
Only you know where that feeling is coming from.
bdub's advice is spot on. Buying a house while still married should be thoroughly investigated in your state.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
A couple of weeks ago I read a post from someone who was post-D and she said that your first place post divorce is typically temporary and you shouldn't put a lot of investment into it.
I was wondering if there is some virtue to not setting down roots right away once you're free to do so.
I didn't mean to imply that I was going to rush out next week and put an offer down on the house I've got my eye on. That is absolutely out of the question.
Part of the faith part of this exercise is leaving the door open to the possibility the house could still be on the market at the time that I'm ready to buy it. But the "helping faith along" part is the part where I take the steps necessary to be ready in case it is.
My priority for the next several weeks is to actually get divorced, following what several smart posters here recommended, particularly WRT finding a great attorney, which is a little harder than I expected.
Also, if I wanted to get divorced based on the one-year separation, I've still got three months to wait, so in order to divorce I'll either have to go through the legal separation and then turn it into a divorce, or I'll have to convince STBX to confess to adultery so I can get an immediate divorce.
We're going to have to have another meeting. Won't that be fun?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Regarding the house, you don't have to buy. Ever. I'm 39, married (well...) with two kids and I never owned a house. I've rented houses and felt settled for years. I know the US culture is all about buying and most people think that it makes more financial sense, but it's not that clear. See the New York Times calculator to compare the price of rent vs buy. If anything, it's a reminder that renting can be cheaper, equal or not much more expensive. It has many other upsides, such as outsourcing the responsibility of the house to someone else. A single phone number to solve all problems!
Just putting one more perspective out there.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
You know Mozza, when it looked like H and I might not get back together, that was my plan. I wanted no responsibility for house maintenance and was thinking I'd find a nice little townhome and use the freed-up money to travel.
Hijack over....
Maybell, it'll all work out.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
You have a lot going on. I guess just ask yourself what you really want. You are going to have a lot of stress with the divorce and moving, do you want to add buying a house to that as well? Betsey's approach does make some sense...do all the highly stressful things at once and then you'll have time to breath when it's all done!
As far as what you want...do you want to own a home? If that is your goal and it makes sense financially I say go for it. Plus it sounds like it will keep your kids in the same schools to make the transition a little easier for them.
I would be careful as far as what you do financially, I know in my state everything (income and debt) is considered marital property until D is filed with the court.
I know it doesn't seem like it now, but I think it's great there is actually a waiting period to get divorced. Some states make it way to easy.
You're a smart, strong woman, you're path is not an easy one but I know you will make the best decisions for you and your kids! (())
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
