Mozza (7) + Links to success stories

[Mozza]

I may not have the same LBS experiences that some here on the board have had, but before I met my H I was in love with another young man. He broke my heart and I do know how it feels to be rejected. I am not sure if it was my pride or self respect, but I was determined I would not sit around and grieve over him. I refused to cry over what may have been or how badly I had been hurt. I made myself move forward, and I knew nothing about detaching back then.......but that was really what I was doing. I realize this is a very poor comparison to your stitch, b/c we were not M and did not have hildren. But, my point is that I believe one has to want to detach, be determined, and start doing the necessary action to get there. And, as long as you are afraid of "losing" what you have already lost.......you will never accomplish detaching from her emotionally.

Thanks for sharing. You're right, the kids throw a wrench in the whole thing. I'm afraid that if I manage not to love her anymore and she comes back, I will be the one who threw away our family life and the stability and presence I wanted for my kids.

As I wrote before, we're in my country now but she's from a different continent. Our lives will become a maze once we have different partners with their own lives. She wants to go back in a few years (she told me so), but I might not go with her if we're separated. I've no family or friends where she's from. Oh, the mess.

That is why you have so much trouble with boundaries, b/c in your mind, you fear it will cause you to lose her. Not meeting her for lunch was a step in the right direction. That is an example of determining to take detaching steps.

Thanks. It went even further when she asked why I didn't want to go to lunch and I told her that I needed the space to move on. That means that I've also cut off her informal communications, which were almost daily and openly meant to maintain a certain relationship between us.

Basically, my fear is that she'll want to come back but will feel pushed away by me and not come and tell me. We both have strong fear of rejection that can make us act like jerks (rejecting so as not to be rejected) and against our self-interest. Is this really unreasonable?