While I easily get that pursuing is off-putting, it's so counter-intuitive to accept that refusing to interact and meet with her will draw her closer... I'm afraid she'll never come to miss me because she'll remember me as the guy she left, not the man I'm becoming. But I do it. I do it.
I understand how you would be afraid. It is a man's nature (I think) to pursue. Pursuing is how you got the girl the first time, so it only makes sense to you to do it again. Only with a WAW in an A, it has a different dynamic. Remember Mozza, she wanted what she didn't have? Same thing applies here. If she believes she can't have you so easily, her nature will draw her in closer. It is the way of human beings.
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To be fair, during the nine days of in-house separation, I was the one soliciting her and she was very distant. Since she left, I've given her space, as per DB principles, and the roles have somewhat reversed. She's the one initiating all communications, trying to engage with fun emails and calls. Also, the day after I said let's communicate only about the kids, she managed to contact me three times about them. So she wants more than I give her. Maybe it's working.
It will as long as you have the right kind of spirit about it. A lot has been said about anger over on HP's thread. It is very important in this stage of your stitch that you not act as if you are mad at her or wanting to punish her. If you do, then that will send her away for good. I know it is difficult to get it just right, and it is not easy for me to describe in words. I am guilty of using the character of Rhett Butler in his way with Scarlett. She would try all her feminine wiles and he would just grin (and sometimes laugh) at her, as if he knew exactly what she was trying to do.....and it wasn't going to work on him. Although he got a kick out of her childlike ways, he definitely drew the line at some of her bad behavior. And when he finally had enough and walked away, she immediately set out to get him back again. In the sequel to Gone With the Wind, "Scarlett", he told her it was never a question of loving her....but living with loving her. That is what you have to do, Mozza, learn to live with loving her. We aren't asking you to stop loving her.
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Is she really gone? I admit I haven't accepted it yet. It's crazy, under my sitch, but I feel like we're in this conversation about our R, that she's showing me the extent of the pain I caused her, and that she wants to know I love her enough to man up and become a better H.
She is gone for now. Is she gone for good? IDK, that remains to be seen. However, I have seen many LBH's say about the same thing you have said here, and I don't know that I ever remember a WAW who was in an A saying those things. B/c I don't believe she is thinking along those lines when she gets involved with another man. When she emotionally left the M, she had given up on you becoming better/different or having a better MR. I don't think I have ever seen a LBH express the correct thoughts of the WAW mind yet. And don't take this the wrong way, but since so many LBH's say similar things, I have to wonder if it is their excuse to themselves to not turn loose. "She wants me to fight for the marriage". Not if she's with another guy.
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Something in me believes that if I detach, I will lose her forever.
Yet, you admit that just pulling back has drawn her in. I still think maybe you are seeing detaching as a negative action, instead of positive. A lot of people have a problem getting the entire concept. Maybe if we could think of a better term........
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What could it be? Telling me she didn't love me anymore, leaving our home, finding an OM, moving in with him... None of this worked. I'm thick. Probably stupid.
No, you are not thick or stupid. Everyone has their own threshold for pain, right? Same thing here. Only you will know when it's time to move on. We push about detaching b/c that is what is best (mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically) for the LBS while the WAS is going through their crisis.
I think for many men, their ego becomes an issue. As you said, this is the first time for you and you really don't know how to deal with it. From what I have read on the boards, some men get too focused on getting her back (like in "winning") and aren't really doing the work they should be doing on themselves throughout the process. So many who have "won" the W back again, then has a big problem with resentment and forgiveness and are on the verge of becoming the WAS themselves.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
And don't take this the wrong way, but since so many LBH's say similar things, I have to wonder if it is their excuse to themselves to not turn loose. "She wants me to fight for the marriage". Not if she's with another guy. 
