Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #6

[HPoirot]

DB Coach Chuck recommended against going completely dark and suggested improving the communication we do have, validating her friendly communications on her feelings, and along with the already recommended consistently friendly and prompt and polite approach.

If this is what he recommends then why did you write this:

I was friendly but brief the whole time. No anger. Though, after I hung up the phone, I felt irritation that she keeps calling for non emergencies.

Then, almost immediately, she calls again. I reacted from my irritation and didn't answer. She didn't leave a VM.

So she called looking for a conversation and then wanted to talk more. This after her screaming on Friday. Again, like Sandi was saying, she wants conversation.

If she wants to talk, why do not listen and why does it irritate you all the time? She is calling you for non emergencies b/c she is your W and wants to talk to you. She is clearly a talker, and someone who processes out loud to get to conclusion. It would be really easy for you to listen to her and validate her given the number of times she reaches out. Who cares that she screamed on Friday...she is trying, reaching out to you and allowing you not to go dark. You have to improve communication per the coach.

Hello Happy. I'm cutting back on talking... being there for her emotionally... b/c she is continuing an A. It wouldn't make sense for me to be overly open and available to her under the circumstances.

OTOH... you're right she is a talker and she is trying to connect. She asks to hear my feelings gets upset when I don't communicate. I understand it's her need to feel in control and feel less guilt but does that help me?

So I do struggle here.

Before I knew the extent of her A, but after BD, I made a great effort to listen to her. We had great conversations and it seemed to me we connected a little during that time.

All the while, though, she was gaslighting me and being extremely disrespectful to me with the way she continued her A. A big part of my turning around my sitch was showing her I would not tolerate her disrespect. She freaked out in a panic when I did.

So, other than the going dark and being brief and polite... I'm not sure how much re-connecting I should attempt right now if any. It makes sense for me to be angry and distant and at the same time I have to be an adult and respectful about it.

I'm not sure how allowing her to open up to me now gets her to start looking at me as her husband again.

Oh and on the irritation... I have told her while she is in her A, I will only accept emergency phone calls related to our son. She knows this yet still calls and texts daily. I'm dealing with the irritation better and do not feel sure if I should continue to let her calls go to VM and respond later if at all... or to start taking her calls, be polite and brief, and be done to keep our communication open and civil.