Mozza (7) + Links to success stories

[Mozza]

Woah sandi2, you NAILED it. This is exactly my problem at this stage and has been for a few weeks or months. Let me muse and reply in details because it touches on struggles and questions I have.

I have seen you say many times how you are afraid of pushing your W away. As a former WAW, I try to tell you LBH'S that what you fear pushes her away, in reality, draws her closer.

I repeat that to myself and I act accordingly. I put a lot of stock in your experience. While I easily get that pursuing is off-putting, it's so counter-intuitive to accept that refusing to interact and meet with her will draw her closer... I'm afraid she'll never come to miss me because she'll remember me as the guy she left, not the man I'm becoming. But I do it. I do it.

To be fair, during the nine days of in-house separation, I was the one soliciting her and she was very distant. Since she left, I've given her space, as per DB principles, and the roles have somewhat reversed. She's the one initiating all communications, trying to engage with fun emails and calls. Also, the day after I said let's communicate only about the kids, she managed to contact me three times about them. So she wants more than I give her. Maybe it's working.

The fact is........you can't push her away b/c she's already away, right? Like in the Band the Band of Brothers where they say, "We are already dead". It is your FEAR of pushing her farther away that is actually preventing you from detaching. You are afraid of losing her...........however, you have already lost her. How can you lose what is already gone? (Sorry, I know that stings.)

Don't hold back, sandi2, we need to have those conversations.

Is she really gone? I admit I haven't accepted it yet. It's crazy, under my sitch, but I feel like we're in this conversation about our R, that she's showing me the extent of the pain I caused her, and that she wants to know I love her enough to man up and become a better H.

Isn't it you (or 25yearsmlc?) who says that we only seem to learn through hardship? Well, this is the first time of my life that I've been dumped. At 38, you'd think I had the experience to absorb new challenges, but no, I feel like I'm 15 years old. I can't seem to understand the consequences of when another person doesn't want you anymore.

Mozza, you have to want to detach. You don't want to. You have intentially clung to her emotionally.

BINGO! You're absolutely right. I don't want to. Something in me believes that if I detach, I will lose her forever. Like my attachment and pain are the last threads connecting us. I understand it makes no sense, but my heart still believes it.

Maybe I'll have a 180 like Card29, in the span of 24 hours. I'll detach under some external shock. What could it be? Telling me she didn't love me anymore, leaving our home, finding an OM, moving in with him... None of this worked. I'm thick. Probably stupid.