Maybell XXVII

[labug]

Go slow.

You may be on a bit of an emotional high now. Buying and moving is a huge endeavor.

You may be ready for it, just don't do it out of the emotion of the moment.

Another will come along if this one doesn't work out.

Did I miss a post that covered what you and H talked about at the meeting? Nuts and bolts, money, D?

[Maybell]

Labug, here's a recap of what we talked about (out of order but the essence of the conversation). We didn't talk nuts and bolts yet except that he has seen a lawyer, wants a divorce, wants to sell the house this spring and he said he isn't going to fight me over anything.

Dear Friends,

You carried me tonight. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I don't know how much time I can take to recount what happened. It was a good meeting.

I don't know how much of this to recount so I'm probably going to get things wrong. My whole tale will probably be tomorrow. If I'm a little chaotic please bear with me.

Yes, he did cheat before. He had two one night stands in the 18 months leading up to his meeting OW. I had to insist on the truth to get to that but he admitted it.

He said there is nothing I could have done to have changed his trajectory.

He said a lot of kind things. Even loving-ish things. He expressed some remorse, for a minute. I believe he means it.

He admitted some hard things. Some of them I insisted on. We both cried. He cried more than I expected.

He has seen a lawyer. He said "It's time for us to move this process forward. Limbo doesn't serve anyone." I said, "Please say the words. Be honest with me." He mumbled out, "I want a divorce." I could barely hear him. He doesn't want to say it again.

He has gone on dates. He is lonely. He made a guy friend. He said "I'm kind of proud of that." I am too. He's not made a guy friend on his own in ten years.

I don't think either of us really want this. But he doesn't see a path back and if he doesn't I don't. (Honestly, for myself, there is no path back at the moment either. I said "I think there IS one... but I can't find it.") So it will go forward, the dumbest divorce in the history of the world, splitting up two people who care about one another, respect one another, *get* one another.

I realize he has a lot of work to do. I still care about him. I doubt anyone will shoot me for that. I can't imagine ever having sex with him again at this point. I remember what it was like the last few times. I won't go there ever again.

I said that I felt like he cared about my happiness but never wanted to be a part of it. He said that that wasn't true, but he could see how I thought that.

We talked about the kids. We talked about D11. He said that the things he dislikes most about her are the things that remind him most of him. I told him what I've learned about parenting her, and what that has told me about him.

He asked me to help him with the kids. I told him no, that was his to fix. I said that 2-3 times.

We talked about getting S8 therapy. That will happen.

We talked about selling the house. He has a time frame in mind that matches mine. He said he won't fight me on anything.

My friends, I have a LOT to process. We met for two hours. I will be able to say more later.

I believe this will happen. I believe we will split up. I don't know what the future holds.

I think I did very well all things considered. I asked a lot of questions. I insisted that he speak for himself, and I shut up until he did. If we could have had these kinds of conversations before he started cheating on me, we would never have separated. That makes me a little frustrated.

I can't tell you the number of times I had to stop myself and ask, "What would Labug or Betsey say to do in this moment?"

I'm looking forward to hearing what you all have to say. I feel sad. I feel like I am seeing what could have been. I feel like this will be the dumbest divorce in the history of marriage.

Thank you for all your support.

[Maybell]

Just to clarify, he asked me to sell the house this spring so I have to move either way (I want to also, I don't want to/can't afford to live in this house another full year, especially divorced).

So a move is in my near future either way, the question is, I do see the house that would be perfect for me except a small question of down payment, if I could otherwise make it work is there any reason to let it go and rent an imperfect house just for the sake of letting time pass.

[labug]

I saw that. Thank, I didn't miss anything.

[labug]

Just to clarify, he asked me to sell the house this spring so I have to move either way (I want to also, I don't want to/can't afford to live in this house another full year, especially divorced).

So a move is in my near future either way, the question is, I do see the house that would be perfect for me except a small question of down payment, if I could otherwise make it work is there any reason to let it go and rent an imperfect house just for the sake of letting time pass.

You're so such a concrete thinker, there's more to time passing than, time passing.

((( )))

[Maybell]

I know. but this house was on the market last spring and I loved it then. The location is so perfect I can't even describe. I know that if it's the right thing then it will work out (just like my job). But sometimes you also have to make at least a bit of effort (as I did with my job). So when I think about where I've set my sights I want to be sure I'm being thoughtful and not overlooking the obvious.

I realize things happen when time passes. But I feel like I've already let so much time pass and I'd like my life to start moving on the track I'm envisioning. I've been living with the consequences of H's decisions for YEARS. It would be such a pleasure to be living with more of my own consequences.


(Be careful what I wish for?)

[labug]

I'm not saying do it or don't,just be mindful about what and why.

Many of us end of here because we kept moving forward, ticking off boxes without taking time to be, not taking the time to feel what we're feeling. Scarlet O'Hara: Fiddle dee dee, I'll think about that tomorrow.

And then tomorrow came and it was very unpleasant.

Envisioning can hold expectations and attachments. Your envisioning may be more general and not contain that and if so, great. Be gentle with yourself.

[Underdog]

Hi all,

Sorry for being MIA - it's been a busy weekend and I inadvertently left my laptop here at work.

Quick one, Maybell. My real estate broker (way back when) advised me to refinance/buy while I was still married. Lots of folks buy houses in the woman's name for estate purposes. So qualify on your own, be married on the books (for now) and see what you can do. But you're going to have to get your house on the market if anyone is to accept your offer.

I'm a HUGE fan of making big changes when other big things are happening. I used to buck this with every morsel of my being, but I found out over the past 10 years that it helps me to change every part of a dynamic that might not be the best thing for me or my family as a whole. I had my house on the market within a month of D20 leaving for college back in 2012. The only reason I didn't go through with it was because I'm self employed and the loan requirements are a LOT more stringent than being an employee.

Personally, I think it's stupid. Jobs haven't been *that* secure for awhile for lots of "employees", and if the business makes money, wouldn't you think that owning it would mean the commitment to keep the owner would be obvious?

I'm actually debating on putting my house up next year when both my girls graduate. It's probably incredibly insane, but I'm planning for a big shift in my thinking. The only thing that has me ambivalent is that I've been updating my house to the point where I'm really loving it. But the fact remains that it's big and D17 and I don't need 3600 square feet of house. And yard. And a 3 car driveway that needs to be shoveled. And yard work. And cleaning it is starting to feel like a full time job.

Anyway, mark me down in the "fan of big change" column. I love starting new. I really do.

But if your whole decision hinges on that one house? I think that's probably not a good reason alone. You should consult with a real estate professional. Plus, if you need to disclose your marital status (pending, that is), you can use your child support income as a source for qualifying. You have to have that in writing, though. And your H is probably going to have to show 2 months of timely payments. Direct deposit looks really good to lenders.

My $.02. I'll be back.

Betsey

[Maybell]

Frankly my dear, I'm terrified.

I'm terrified of the divorce process.

I'm terrified of moving.

I'm terrified of buying my own home.

But I'm also terrified that I will let that fear keep me from ever having what I want, which is a home of my own to raise the children in. Stability. The ease of relaxing into a space and not thinking of it as temporary.

I'm terrified. But I can either stay too scared to move or I can grasp what is, after all, a reasonable desire, and put myself in a place to tackle more reasonable fears.

BTW, one of his fears, which surprised me greatly, was that I would pack up the kids and leave town. I told him he was more likely to go than I was. He said, "Oh, I enjoy my job and working with my boss. I can see myself here 3-4 more years."

That doesn't even get D11 to driving age.

I'm so scared. I'm not attaching expectations, I'm setting a goal. I recognize there are pros and cons to that particular goal. But I really want to live a life I can be proud of, not one where I kept hiding in fear.

[labug]

Don't let fear drive ANY decisions. This is early days.