Ugh, I hate that icky feeling that I get sometimes that comes from confusion and insecurity after a talk with H.
Do you know what that icky feeling is? You feeling responsible for whatever feeling he's expressing. Recognize that and absolve yourself of that responsibility. (I have to remind myself of this often, just so y'know)
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We got to talking about D's upcoming testing. He asked me how much it was estimated to cost. I told him. He seemed irked
Right there, you named his emotion and took responsibility for it, wanted to fix it.
If I were to mind-read, which I occasionally do, there are a few emotions he could be feeling about the testing, #1 being fear about what the testing will reveal. Men (broad generalization here) are fixers/protectors and when they feel out of control and unable to do those things, they often move to anger.
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I was confused. He was FINE about testing D a month ago when we first talked about it. He was even fine about it two weeks ago when I was finishing up the application. I emailed the application in and CC'd him and he still said nothing. Now he apparently feels like it's a racket.
Not. your. problem.
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He stated that he felt like I was happy to spend "his" money for no true direction for D when it's something she would likely outgrow in puberty.
He went on to talk about how he hated that D was in a private school and that she should be in public school which wouldn't cost "him" any money and she'd likely be "fine".
I reminded him that WE agreed to put her in private school because our local schools are not that good and she needs a much smaller class size than can be provided in the local public schools.
He said, "Oh she'll be fine".
How quickly he forgets.
The next time he goes on a mini-rant, remember that it might be fear and end it with something like, "Wow, you really have strong feelings about this."
Don't make it abut you.
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And apparently I'm all about spending "his money".
Unless he said those words, don't make it about you.
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He went on to indicate that he was a much more involved father now because *I* wasn't in the way to keep him from being one.
oh really? Did I keep him from driving D to school? Did I keep him from picking her up? Did I prevent him from knowing her teachers name, her social troubles, knowing what piano piece she's working on? Did I keep him from being involved in her extracurricular activities? Did I keep him from helping with homework? Did I keep him from making her meals? Did I keep him from putting her to bed, talking with her, learning what her favorite things are?!
Unless you believe any of that to be true, don't take it on.
Leave it with him. Be happy he is now a more involved father, no matter what it took.
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I owned a lot in that conversation. Nothing about our relationship because that's not what the discussion was about but I tried to be level headed about our collective approach to D's testing. He didn't budge at all. No compromise. No give at all.
What did he not give on? Is he refusing now to pay for the testing? If not, let it go.
He's speaking from his perspective, while carrying around his baggage. You don't have to agree.
Most everyone, when frightened or stressed or not wanting to face ourselves, creates stories in order to make it all about the other person. It's not until we have the courage to be very honest but gentle with ourselves that we can begin to deconstruct those stories.
He's not there.
You can be.
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Why has he painted me to be this person?!
See above.
But you don't have to believe his story.
Don't bite the hook.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
