Maybell XXVII

[Maybell]

Labug, here's a recap of what we talked about (out of order but the essence of the conversation). We didn't talk nuts and bolts yet except that he has seen a lawyer, wants a divorce, wants to sell the house this spring and he said he isn't going to fight me over anything.

Dear Friends,

You carried me tonight. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I don't know how much time I can take to recount what happened. It was a good meeting.

I don't know how much of this to recount so I'm probably going to get things wrong. My whole tale will probably be tomorrow. If I'm a little chaotic please bear with me.

Yes, he did cheat before. He had two one night stands in the 18 months leading up to his meeting OW. I had to insist on the truth to get to that but he admitted it.

He said there is nothing I could have done to have changed his trajectory.

He said a lot of kind things. Even loving-ish things. He expressed some remorse, for a minute. I believe he means it.

He admitted some hard things. Some of them I insisted on. We both cried. He cried more than I expected.

He has seen a lawyer. He said "It's time for us to move this process forward. Limbo doesn't serve anyone." I said, "Please say the words. Be honest with me." He mumbled out, "I want a divorce." I could barely hear him. He doesn't want to say it again.

He has gone on dates. He is lonely. He made a guy friend. He said "I'm kind of proud of that." I am too. He's not made a guy friend on his own in ten years.

I don't think either of us really want this. But he doesn't see a path back and if he doesn't I don't. (Honestly, for myself, there is no path back at the moment either. I said "I think there IS one... but I can't find it.") So it will go forward, the dumbest divorce in the history of the world, splitting up two people who care about one another, respect one another, *get* one another.

I realize he has a lot of work to do. I still care about him. I doubt anyone will shoot me for that. I can't imagine ever having sex with him again at this point. I remember what it was like the last few times. I won't go there ever again.

I said that I felt like he cared about my happiness but never wanted to be a part of it. He said that that wasn't true, but he could see how I thought that.

We talked about the kids. We talked about D11. He said that the things he dislikes most about her are the things that remind him most of him. I told him what I've learned about parenting her, and what that has told me about him.

He asked me to help him with the kids. I told him no, that was his to fix. I said that 2-3 times.

We talked about getting S8 therapy. That will happen.

We talked about selling the house. He has a time frame in mind that matches mine. He said he won't fight me on anything.

My friends, I have a LOT to process. We met for two hours. I will be able to say more later.

I believe this will happen. I believe we will split up. I don't know what the future holds.

I think I did very well all things considered. I asked a lot of questions. I insisted that he speak for himself, and I shut up until he did. If we could have had these kinds of conversations before he started cheating on me, we would never have separated. That makes me a little frustrated.

I can't tell you the number of times I had to stop myself and ask, "What would Labug or Betsey say to do in this moment?"

I'm looking forward to hearing what you all have to say. I feel sad. I feel like I am seeing what could have been. I feel like this will be the dumbest divorce in the history of marriage.

Thank you for all your support.