Card29 IX - New Year, New Card

[Card29]

Still trying to kick MNG habits, especially in my personal life. I've had less trouble at work

Okay, so I'll talk to mom, then I'm free to ask out S's friend. Thanks for the permission, labug

[Maybell]

Card, I have found in the last few weeks that there are days when I'll suddenly have a HUGE crush on someone and just enjoy the fantasy for a few days, then it just goes away. I think that's part of detaching from my STBX. It's a pleasant thing to do, harms no one, and I know it's fleeting. Why not just enjoy the ride? The world hasn't seemed so open to possibility for me in YEARS.

Also, why are you not insisting your W take the dogs? Why doesn't she have them in the first place if she wants them more?

[labug]

Go for it!

[Card29]

Maybell,

I do realize she was a crush, although I would seriously be interested in the future. But I haven't even figured out my own M yet, much less had time to really move on if it ends officially. If it happens, it happens, but I'm not thinking about it anymore

As far as W with the dogs...she has had them more lately. But she has never been really hands on with our dogs. We had a different dog (and older one that we adopted) early in our R/M. We originally agreed it would be 50/50 for who walked her, but it turned into 95/5 me/her. I knew she would not watch them as much as she said she would when she moved to her apt. I didn't really worry about it while I was in the house, because they were cake to take care of there (fenced backyard). Now that I have to walk then just as much as W does when she has them, I have insisted she take them more. And she has. She had them for 5 days last week. If she keeps this up, I'm happy for now. But there still remains the question of what I want to do if we D and I'm permanently in a home, by myself, without a yard. I have time to figure that out, though

[Card29]

Spent a few hours hanging out with WAW and D2 this afternoon, watching football. Her invite. Notes:

- It was generally enjoyable, for me. She was miserable most of the time because she is coming down with something. Flu-like symptoms
- Before I realized how miserable she actually was, I brought up the apt I found, and mentioned the dog situation. She said I did not need to take that apt. I told her I can handle it but I need her to take the dogs at least 50-50. She was mad about that for a while but I didn't cave. I told her it would save me a lot of money. She asked why I was worrying about money, "it's not like you have bills". Lol, $600 a month for daycare and shared expenses (just my half), $350 car payment, $300 food, $100 student loan, $80-120 gas. And that is without considering entertainment expenses, car insurance, or ANY rent/utilities. I didn't get into any of that with her, though. I just told her that saving $500 a month is a lot, and it's only temporary as the apt is only available until August

- after that calmed down, things were fine. D2 was cute and smart, making us smile a lot
- I felt confused towards the end. Ended up sitting next to her on the couch, like right next to her. I partially did it to gauge her reaction, out of curiosity. She had been curling tighter and tighter into the corner of the couch as she felt more and more sick. I tucked her in with a blanket (sick person...I don't know, I'm a nurturer). She didn't reject anything. I think until I figure out what I want I probably shouldn't hang out with her like that. I almost feel like it could have gotten physical tonight if she wasn't sick, and D2 wasn't right in our faces

[gan]

I almost feel like it could have gotten physical tonight if she wasn't sick, and D2 wasn't right in our faces

This from a man who said he wasn't sure if he could sleep in the same bed as W a couple of weeks ago!

The roller coaster is pretty interesting, isn't it? Reminds me just how important it is for us LBS to keep on keeping that door open - even if we don't feel like it sometimes - because we never know how we'll feel the next moment. Next up on my Headspace journey is the balance module. Hoping I will find the middle way soon...

[Card29]

It is definitely confusing at the moment. It's a different kind of roller coaster for me now, but it still is one. I think I just need to avoid hanging out with her like that until I'm more clear-headed.

[labug]

What are you confused about, card?

Again, another reason why you aren't ready for a R.

[Card29]

I just don't know if I really want to reconcile my M. I'm trying to sort through my desires, dreams, emotions, etc. I know I don't want to do what I would have tended to do in the past. Here are reasons that I would have wanted to work on the M in the past, for which I do not want to make that decision going forward:

- Fear of an unknown future outside of M
- Fear of hurting WAW
- Fear of hurting D2 (I believe we would be good co-parents. We already are, and we could get better.)
- Not wanting anyone else to "have" WAW

I'm also starting to get physical/intimacy withdrawals. It's not even so much the zero sex that I've had in 7 months as it is the lack of intimacy (hand holding, hugging, kissing, intimate conversations). I think that's what drove me to sit on the couch next to WAW last night. I definitely don't want that emotion to be what drives me towards trying to R and M, because I know they won't last. If I make that decision, I want it to be because deep down it's what I really want. And right now I don't know if that's what I really want.

I'm no longer thinking of starting a new R right now.

[Ss06]

oh man, do I hear you.

I too am desperate for intimacy, some kind of connection. I know how you feel, Card.

Your fears sound all too familiar to me, also. I don't want to sacrifice and belittle myself so much just to bring him home for the comfort of not having to face an unknown future. Not that I could ever sacrifice enough for him. Oy.

Just be where you are. Try not to over think, over analyze or project. Just be. I'm finding that just being allows me to receive answers I wouldn't normally get if i were looking for them.