Gogofo - no longer piecing 2nd BD - pt. 2

[labug]

Wow, twice I had to say that.

Take a few days and come up with a plan for kids, schedules, selling house, money whatever you need. Present it to her so you can come to what works for both of you and wish her well.

Let go.

[gogofo]

So am I just being an idiot with my sliding back into pressuring her? I don't understand how I don't notice it until it is too late. I get excited and hopeful about our future and then start trying to fix things, what an idiot.

Now I even know I have done it but I can't help trying to fix things now with a new living situation proposal. I know my motivations are for the family and us. I cannot bring myself to think that we are breaking a family apart for selfish reasons. It makes me feel physically ill. I know she is wanting to do it to save herself, but I feel if she quit other things she would feel happiness too.

She said she is happy with every part of her life except for us. I know rebuilding is painful at times and that is what she seems to be focusing on.

I focus on the positive and she focuses on the negative interactions. The positives give me hope and the negatives remind her about the past. Two views of the same car crash. I feel I am choosing hope for the survivors and she feels that their injuries are life ending. I am ready for all of the pain and effort of the physical therapy but the pain is too much for her to bare again. It seems like she let me be the therapist and move her limbs without complaint until I snapped a ligament. Did she not tell me the stretching hurt, probably, did I miss her message when she tried to tell me, probably.

Where to go from here?

I want to hold on any drastic actions like divorce, seems like cutting off a limb to fix a broken arm. I would rather cast it, immobilize it and see how it heals in an environment of non agitation.

Yes I think and speak better through metaphors.

I know I need to chill out while the wound is still fresh, but it is hard to just let it bleed and stand by and do nothing; even if it is best.

[Faith2b]

Omg your right on the money. Quit pressuring her!!!!!! Yes I def understand. Im in even a worse scenario. I pressure cooked my exh to the point he isin anothers arms and he actually put a RO on me...pressure cooker!! Well I have been working diligiantly on mbecoming more vulnerable. Allowing myself to feel the hurt anger is only a mask we put on because we are hurt. We have to back off and heal some more. I want so badly for him to call me. But guess what I would react badly because Im still hurt. I have to work through my pain in a healthy manner so I do not drive anymore distance between him and I. He regrets the RO but at this point evrything is for a reason. Dont worry about how she has lack of feelings or what she is venting on you. Focus on you and how you can stop pressuring her because at the end of the day we want them to be with us because they chose us not because they felt pressured.

Learn from me!!!


NO MORE PRESSURE!!! Ypur relationship depends on it. LOve only!!

Im talking to myself too.

And LET HER COME TO YOU MEANWHILE be ready by working on you!!!

[gogofo]

I need to say this, or type it I guess. I am scared that my W will file in this highly emotional state, it hurts. I cannot do anything to stop her if she does, I can only control my actions. I don't want my fear to bring out the hot poker of pressure and force her into what I am scared of, her filing while riding this emotional roller coaster.

Just five days before we were thinking about buying or building a $500k house. Not exactly a steady emotional state with us.

[Barrybran]

It's understandable to feel scared. It doesn't help you very much though. There are plenty of examples over your past few posts where you could as yourself "does this get me closer or take me further away from my goal?" At this point, you're likely in for a pretty bad cold spell. Do you want to worry and panic or do you want to brace yourself and put your feet up in front of the fire knowing you're going to be OK?

[gogofo]

It's amazing how much time I can find to scan the boards and journal when the W and I have issues. It is showing me how hung up I have been about working on the R instead of going with the flow and relaxing.

This evening was nice, makes me sad, but it was nice. It makes me sad because since this proclamation of feeling done, we seemed to find time to be a family together. I wasn't thinking about work, or chores or cooking a nice dinner since it was Sunday. Imagine that, when stress levels are lowered its easier to enjoy yourself.

I spent the afternoon at my parents and watched 3/4s of a football game with my dad and visited with my parents. Very nice afternoon, also went over for some emotional support from mom.

W was working and I was staying away from the house to try and be home after she got there, but she was still working when I got home. I made the kids a simple dinner and W came home.

She was in a mood she gets in when we have separated before where she grabs the calendar and starts to fill it out with meetings, obligations etc. She also came home with another calendar, presumably for me, but I didn't ask and she didn't bring it up, she even left it face down. When she was finished she looked at it and kind of was dumb struck at the amount of things on it, it is pretty overwhelming.

Neither of us had much of an appetite the last couple of days and the W was staring at the fridge kind of frustrated that nothing sounded good. I suggested a chorizo sandwich and made us a quick dinner. She offered a beer, I excepted, and the kids wanted to watch Dr Who so on came the tv.

So here is the W and I sitting at opposite ends of the couch enjoying Dr Who, and having small talk and enjoying ourselves while the kids were ignoring the tv. Kind of surreal considering the situation. I hope this wasn't lost on my W who recently said she had to ask herself if she felt happy. She seemed to be happy tonight.

We put the kids together and then I went about making myself busy, or at least appearing to be. I didn't follow her around, or engage in much conversation, I just went about my business and read a cookbook on the couch while she did a little more work on the computer for about 30 minutes.

She walked by a couple of times and I never looked up. She told me she was going to bed and went to her bedroom across the house from the master.

The most important thing is that I didn't bring up the relationship and we had a good night. Hope it is food for thought for her. Who knows, only time will tell.

I am proud of myself for doing the STFU tonight, didn't know if I could do it but I did.

[Karma12]

One thing you will read here on the boards is we don't always no what does work but we do know what doesn't.

I would recommend doing what you can to help around the house and then try and not be home as often when your wife is around. Give her lots of space. Keep up a PMA. Fill your time with GAL even if it means taking the kids and doing something with them on your own.

I don't believe that there is zero emotional connection for your wife. If I was disconnected emotionally not even a vacation would help me to be intimate. She may be so overwhelmed that she allows her stress and resentments to push down any loving feelings.

Giving her space will allow her time to clear her mind and maybe even miss you a little. If she takes a step forward respond without jumping back into pressing her. Remember the cheese less tunnels

[labug]

Gogo, what do you know to be true right now? What is the reality?

Where can you go from here?

[gogofo]

Gogo, what do you know to be true right now? What is the reality?

Where can you go from here?

The reality right now is she is sleeping in a separate bedroom, and not wearing her wedding ring. She feels pressured by me to work on our reconciliation. She said she is done, but did not use the work divorce, but that is just me playing semantics to give me some hope. She told me I would be out of the house if we were not currently selling our other home. There is a little tension at times when we are in the same room. We are polite and cordial to each other. She is focusing more on the kids and seems to have reduced her interactions with me.

She has divorce papers that have already been prepared and previously singed that were withdrawn around the beginning of November. When she signed them before she thought she would feel better but then later told me she was still sad and spent the next day crying.

She will leave town tomorrow mid day on a work trip, returns Wednesday night, then leave again Thursday afternoon on a personal trip to return late Sunday evening.

I have a DB Coaching session tomorrow evening.

From here first and foremost I can back the f@#k off and not show any pressure towards her.
I need to focus on me and showing the person only a fool would leave.
I do not need to bring up the relationship again, wait for her to do this if it happens.
I am going to continue to be a great father and husband right now.
I will keep maintaining the cleanliness and order of the house, do laundry, cook meals and clean dishes in order to keep the home as stress free as possible.
I will not look to her for any emotional support or reassurance, I will be a complete person.
I will maintain a road back that is smooth and I will do nothing that shows anger or the need to punish her (I do not feel any of this anyways).
I have also been browsing home listings in the event that I do have to find alternative housing once our home sells.
I will not follow her around the house and I will try to make myself more scarce or occupied. (When first dating she gave me her phone number and I never called. She then called me two days later and was mad thinking that I figured she wasn't good enough.)
I need to focus on me being more manly and having more of a spine and opinion and not so much of the emotional wimp.
I need to display the love and passion I have for everything.

Right now I really feel my only or best plan of action is to maintain and accentuate a reality that does not match her perception. I think this was felt before when she filed and still felt sad and overwhelmed.

I also need to be prepared for the fact that she may be leaving a relationship with someone who cares deeply for her and would be a wonderful addition to anyone's life. I need to keep reminding myself that she would be losing out, not me. I will stand for this M, but will not stand in her way nor help her dissolve it.

[gogofo]

A couple other truths is that she is still angry about what I did and didn't do in the previous years of our marriage. She has not forgiven me and holds it as a score card. When I show progress and changes she likes it makes her mad because as she said "she would have loved me to do it before when she was so madly in love with me."

She also told me she holds back on the things I said I would like in the relationship. I told her some expressions of love that mean a lot to me, physical touch and words of affirmation are my love languages, like cuddling in bed and hand holding all the way to sex and in between. She told me that last week she laid in be and knew I wanted to be touched or cuddled but she decided that she did not want to do it. She said she wants it to feel natural and not forced.

With words of affirmation she has said "why should I receive praise for my actions when it was things she did naturally before in our relationship and received no credit for it."

She is also mad that I had to hit rock bottom to make any changes or to be self reflective in my actions. She has asked before, right after she filed, "I don't understand why I wasn't worth it before." So past actions from me made her feel worthless.

I feel that the resentment and the holding back and anger are all related and are her biggest hurtles in the work she needs to do for our R to get better. Just my opinion.

I know there is nothing I can do to change or help with these things, so I just continue showing her that these changes with me are not temporary or to win her back.