you're dealing with someone who needs to DB his own life, like you have. The difference is he is NOT doing the work on himself. It's obvious he has not spent much, if any, time in introspection. Do you think he's still miserable? And if so, is he still blaming it on you?
Yes. I wish he could get the same advice or at least similar advice that I do here. There is ZERO introspection. He was never big on introspection before (something that really frustrated me) but he is hell-bent on not being wrong. Not just being right but really, really not being wrong and ME being wrong. It's almost childish how much that's his goal.
And yes, he's still blaming all of his unahppiness on me. All of it.
Thanks for the accolades on not reacting. I needed to hear that! i didn't even realize or give myself credit for that HUGE feat! I think I was VERY unreactive. I did feel insecure and uneasy afterwards, worried that the conversation that I would call "a serious discussion" he would deem an "argument" and walk around saying "see? she's such a b!tch and we argue all the time".
Afterwards I was really worried about that. Can't control him though.
That's such a tough question. My first instinct is to say, "hope that he'll become introspective" Ha! Not exactly doing anything for me, huh?
At this exact moment, I just don't know... except to continue on. Keep going with working on my reactivity, my resentment, my figuring out ME, what I want that's for ME!
You know, S, he is who he is right now. That's the truth of it. So you have to figure out how to handle that in a way that isnt going to get you upset.
He is unhappy. He doesnt really know why. So, he blamed the person closest to him. He said he didnt want to be married, but he is still unhappy. So, he is going to blame the money, and after that, it will be something else....until he looks inside and sees what it really is.
But really, who cares why he is saying this now? He agreed initially, and you made arrangements to have your d tested. You did what you thought was best for her.
He is just looking for ways to place blame. Dont let him.
You did great not reacting.
Now you just have to let what he says roll off your back.
I just need to start seeing, from a more detached place, his words and actions as a movie I'm not involved in.
I am just so grateful this hasn't put me on the floor. Instead of being "floored" by it, I'm just confused.
You know when you try to describes a scene and then someone else describes the exact same scene in a completely different way? It makes you question your own perspective. Is that how it was? Did she say it like that or was how I heard it the way it went down? All of this stuff really makes me question what i know and what I remember about things. It's hard to not think he's insane... or that I am.
It takes a long time for them to figure out that you are not the blame for all their unhappiness. My spouse blamed me for his unhappiness when we spilt 2.5 yrs ago. Now when we had coffee last week he realizes it wasn't me at all. It was his MLC.
It takes time and distance for them to reflect back and really see. I was packed in a negative boxed and neatly put on a shelve. Now he is able to see what I did do and the efforts I made.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
It's comforting to hear that Karma. Unfortunately, my H has never really been introspective and seems absolutely hell-bent on never having to be. He's stubborn too. Very. I can see him leaving, being "happy" about it and if that ever changed he would absolutely NEVER admit that to me.
The self-righteousness is exhausting.
It's such a comfort being human and knowing that if I make a mistake I can genuinely own it, apologize and make amends. It must be terribly burdensome to be perfect and right all the time.
Ugh, I hate that icky feeling that I get sometimes that comes from confusion and insecurity after a talk with H.
Do you know what that icky feeling is? You feeling responsible for whatever feeling he's expressing. Recognize that and absolve yourself of that responsibility. (I have to remind myself of this often, just so y'know)
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We got to talking about D's upcoming testing. He asked me how much it was estimated to cost. I told him. He seemed irked
Right there, you named his emotion and took responsibility for it, wanted to fix it.
If I were to mind-read, which I occasionally do, there are a few emotions he could be feeling about the testing, #1 being fear about what the testing will reveal. Men (broad generalization here) are fixers/protectors and when they feel out of control and unable to do those things, they often move to anger.
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I was confused. He was FINE about testing D a month ago when we first talked about it. He was even fine about it two weeks ago when I was finishing up the application. I emailed the application in and CC'd him and he still said nothing. Now he apparently feels like it's a racket.
Not. your. problem.
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He stated that he felt like I was happy to spend "his" money for no true direction for D when it's something she would likely outgrow in puberty.
He went on to talk about how he hated that D was in a private school and that she should be in public school which wouldn't cost "him" any money and she'd likely be "fine".
I reminded him that WE agreed to put her in private school because our local schools are not that good and she needs a much smaller class size than can be provided in the local public schools.
He said, "Oh she'll be fine".
How quickly he forgets.
The next time he goes on a mini-rant, remember that it might be fear and end it with something like, "Wow, you really have strong feelings about this."
Don't make it abut you.
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And apparently I'm all about spending "his money".
Unless he said those words, don't make it about you.
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He went on to indicate that he was a much more involved father now because *I* wasn't in the way to keep him from being one.
oh really? Did I keep him from driving D to school? Did I keep him from picking her up? Did I prevent him from knowing her teachers name, her social troubles, knowing what piano piece she's working on? Did I keep him from being involved in her extracurricular activities? Did I keep him from helping with homework? Did I keep him from making her meals? Did I keep him from putting her to bed, talking with her, learning what her favorite things are?!
Unless you believe any of that to be true, don't take it on.
Leave it with him. Be happy he is now a more involved father, no matter what it took.
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I owned a lot in that conversation. Nothing about our relationship because that's not what the discussion was about but I tried to be level headed about our collective approach to D's testing. He didn't budge at all. No compromise. No give at all.
What did he not give on? Is he refusing now to pay for the testing? If not, let it go.
He's speaking from his perspective, while carrying around his baggage. You don't have to agree.
Most everyone, when frightened or stressed or not wanting to face ourselves, creates stories in order to make it all about the other person. It's not until we have the courage to be very honest but gentle with ourselves that we can begin to deconstruct those stories.
He's not there.
You can be.
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Why has he painted me to be this person?!
See above.
But you don't have to believe his story.
Don't bite the hook.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
And you hit the nail directly on the head. The icky feeling IS because I felt responsible for his feelings. I do that A LOT!
I know where a lot of this is coming from. I spoke to my little brother about it just the other day and he says he struggles with it, too.
We don't trust our perspective.
We were trying to figure out why that is. Is it because as children our feelings and perspective just did not matter one iota? I don't know but we both seem to give the benefit of the doubt to the other person.
We assume (first mistake there) that the other person's perspective/outlook/feelings are more accurate than our own and we shove down our own instinct to say "that's wrong" or "that's not how it happened" because we're working so hard to see the other perspective.
It's awful. I really want to bring that up to my IC.
Ugh, I love my IC but really it's just me talking. I need to make it less of me going on and on and more digging deeper, getting her HELP. How do I do that?
Today I'm seeing H as a bully. And not because it makes me feel better about my situation to give him an ugly persona.
A person who threatens and terrorizes, pushes boundaries like a spoiled child, belittles and minimizes, lives in a self-righteous world of protection and has ZERO ability to look inward and consider their own faults...
D just got off the phone with H for their nightly goodnight talk.
She asked, completely out of the blue, "WHY ARE YOU GUYS SEPARATED".
H always wants to know what "triggers" stuff. And he's really skeptical and distrusting so he often asks me later "did you tell her to ask me that?"
I have never told her to ask him anything. I would never do that. The fact that he even goes there is offensive but whatever.
In response to her question he said, "This is just how it is now. I know you don't like it and it's not what you want but it really will be ok no matter what, ok? It's just how it is"
No reference at all to anything changing and in the moment I felt ok about that. That there's a pretty good chance he will never be moving back home and in the moment, my heart didn't shatter at the thought of that.
After he and D got off the phone, D curled up on my lap and said, "can you explain to me why?"
I just said that marriage can sometimes be very difficult and complicated and sometimes the two adults are unable to workout the issues. I affirmed her feelings, asked if she wanted to talk to Aunt Kelsey (my BFF whose parents divorced when she was 12 and D adores her), someone who completely understands her feelings and what it's like.
D went on to say that the only thing good about all this is that if one of us remarry, there could be a chance she could have siblings and she'd love that. Silly girl... but it's so like her to find the silver lining.
Anyway, this post is more about the fact that I didn't crumble or even get that stabbing pain in my chest when H said, "this is just how it is now". I don't feel incredible resentment, pain, anger, loss, abandonment as much as I feel like I'm coming to terms with it all.
I can't make him look inward. I can't make him do the work. I can't make him own his part. I can't make it work alone.
I just hope D sees that I tried. I really, really, really, REALLY tried.
