Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #6

[HPoirot]

Journaling...

Friday night after the basketball game was very hard with W screaming at S12. W did apologize and then promised to not "bother" us on Saturday.

On Saturday, she did text and asked to keep S12 Sunday afternoon. I started a 180 then to get our conversations more friendly. DB Coach Chuck recommended against going completely dark and suggested improving the communication we do have, validating her friendly communications on her feelings, and along with the already recommended consistently friendly and prompt and polite approach.

So I did "Good morning, How are you?" in response to her text and she became polite as well. I wished her good day and maybe went to far telling her if she wanted to talk about Friday night I would listen.

In her last text reply that day, she ended with a smily face.

First thing this morning... she texted "Good morning HP" and let me know when she would pick up and return S12. Different times than she asked for yesterday. I returned the good morning and said S12 would be ready.

Before S12 left, I asked him how he felt about his mom. He said "Bad." I told him his mom loves him and to make sure he is nice and respectful to his mom. I mentioned to never hang up the phone on his mom.

A little after S12 left, W called me. As she has S12 and it could have been an emergency, I picked up and answered sounding upbeat.

She asked how I was. "Fine. How are you?" She says... "Better." She also sounds upbeat.

She said she had dropped of S12 at a classmate's house to play. She had asked him to look at 2 apartments with her but he said he didn't want to go. She mentioned where the apartments were.

Then she asked me if I planed to stay in the condo all year.

I said "I haven't thought about it yet."

She asked where I planned to move when I left the condo.

I said "I haven't thought about it yet."

She said "yes I guess that's a lot to think about" and mentioned she wanted to get a place close to where me and S12 were.

She also mentioned her plan to spend 2 months with her aunt was not working for S12 so she wanted to move sooner rather than later.

She asked how S12 was yesterday. I said "He was fine. In good spirits." Friendly but short answers.

She likes details in conversation. Giving her details in conversation was a 180 I used soon after BD that she seemed to like. Now, though, I figure she doesn't get it anymore as I am dark.

She then said... "You hinted before that you might want to talk. Is there anything you want to talk about?"

"No, nothing I want to talk about."

Long pause.

She says "Oookaay..."

I reply... "Is there anything else? Ok I'm going to go. Good luck finding an apartment."

She says "Ok." I hang up.

I was friendly but brief the whole time. No anger. Though, after I hung up the phone, I felt irritation that she keeps calling for non emergencies.

Then, almost immediately, she calls again. I reacted from my irritation and didn't answer. She didn't leave a VM.

So she called looking for a conversation and then wanted to talk more. This after her screaming on Friday. Again, like Sandi was saying, she wants conversation.

DB Coach Chuck I believe would say to encourage her to talk and I really listen and validate. I don't know that I should after Friday. Sticking then with letting her calls go to VM and delaying answering her texts.

Later, when S12 was due to get back... she sent a text saying they would be late. A few minutes later I respond "Ok." She then responds... "Didn't want to stop playing!"

S12 then called me to say he was on his way up. He sounded very happy and I heard his mom in the background. She had asked him to call.

When he got back... he was very happy and said he had a great time with mom.

She also dropped off a second pair of new sneaker with him. The receipt was inside. The 2 new pair of sneaker she bought for him totaled almost $250. Much more than we've ever spent on shoes.

Tonight, before S12 went to bed, I had him call his mom and say goodnight. I will be doing this every night to keep their communication open.

...

So I'm dark and polite even friendly. I show only an upbeat me. I show no interest in what she does or where she goes. If she talks, I keep it brief and then excuse myself. I make sure S12 knows his mom loves him and she must be treated with respect. And I just keep doing that.

Pulling way back.

No expectations.

No drama.

That is my goal for interactions with W this week.

I'm looking now to keep the road home smooth. I recognize that my angry actions the past few weeks were about my wanting to be in control and to punish W. I'm committed now to doing the hard line things I must do with an attitude of love and compassion instead of punishment and anger.

I have the final bills from our old home for her to pay a part of. Also the S12 tuition and the taxes. She needs money to get an apartment soon. I'm about to hit her with these bills. How can I do that lovingly instead of her feeling like I'm punishing her with life lessons?