Wife Walked Away 10 Weeks Ago

[25yearsmlc]

Hi 25yearsmic,

Thanks for taking time to respond. Ironic, I did think about posting this to the board and asking:

I did respond in a confident way that I've moved on with my life--with our without her.

Then I realized it's one of Sandi's 37 Rules to (getting spouse to see we've moved on) and since I've never said or texted that before, and we are seperated I thought it was a good opportunity, because I gently let her know I don't have to agree to every one of her requests (I thought she might respect me for that.) But,I think I know what you're getting at: Actions speak loader than words.

Read the rules again about how we are not to "point out" our alleged changes. They are for us, not them. Plus it will come off as premature at best. And it sets you up for failure, which is how she saw it when she said "you have not changed much at all.


Also, this most certainly is about how I treat my wife, more than how you feel about it. I have sent her things every time she has requested (4 maybe), given her more of a monthly allowance than before she filed (she's unable to work), etc. Back when we were speaking, I did by very best to listen to hear.

do you determine how much money SHE is allowed to spend every month? If so, you may want to discuss that with women here. IMO, that's mega controlling.

And out of date, but again, you can raise that with others to see if i"m being fair. I don't want to speak for others.


One thing I did recently was send her a hand-written letter detailing what I feel I've heard her say about how I broke her heart, and let her know that I empathize (without actually using the word empathize.)

How did you break her heart? THAT is the type of information we need to best advise you. Otherwise we are in the dark about what the "real" problems are, to HER.


I just re-read Michelle's "Last Resort Technique."


LAST Resort is for the LAST Thing you do, meaning that you do that approach AFTER you have tried the others.

What have you tried so far? You have not been at this for long. At least not in the DB world.

One of the 180s I have done is quit drinking alcohol. I never drank much, but usually had a whiskey or vodka before bed. My wife didn't mind, but looking back on it I believe it made me feel more anxious. (I know alcohol is a depressant.) I quit drinking the day she left and haven't had a sip since. My W does know this and said she thought that was a good thing. Another 180 is I do not discuss the future of our marriage with my W. A few times, early on, I told her I love her. I haven't done that in about 9 weeks.

GOOD

I understand the only way my W will reconsider is if she feels confident enough that I have truly changed. Somehow, I think she has noticed some. Why? A text she sent me at 3:00 AM the morning after she asked about me leaving our home. (Again, per my lawyer, I should not do this.)

Here's the relavant part of my W's reply:

"It would appear you haven't changed much at all. That's what I thought!"

I know, not exactly very encouraging, but the part "much at all" I interpret to mean she has noticed some change in me.

Thoughts anyone?

Thanks.

Bob

I think she's giving you a clue about what she wants you to do, which is to CHANGE. And hurry it up.

I do not see it very much as "encouraging" that she said "much at all."

If it were me, I would have said that to give lip service to whatever minor changes I might have noticed.

If I had noticed a specific change that I cared about, I'd have mentioned it specifically. But maybe that's just me.

Thing is, you have more work to do and I really suggest you Dig Deeper.

Can you do that? Did you say you hired a DB coach? I'm sure glad I did.