I thought everything was okay.....(Part 3)

[MCS]

So, I'm still up and down with the whole communication with the kids. It's tearing me up for some reason and I think I know why....

Here's a vent session.......but I've felt this way all weekend. I need to get it out.

Using DB as the core, I've STFU about everything, including the kids. I've become fearful of anything I say about the kids to her. Why? fear that it would drive her away. Fear she would stop talking to me. Fear that she would stop going to counselling (mediation.) I didn't sleep at all last Monday because I knew she would bring up the schedule and then get mad if I didn't agree without changing it. Well, that happened

Well, all of these decisions she's made for the last year are hers alone. I can't control those decisions. Even though she blames this all on me, sure our marriage became ho-hum. I wanted more in our M, I just knew that it was a time that our M was laissez faire. 2 jobs, young kids, etc. But swe still found time to go on vacations that she wanted and all.

Sure she was overwhelmed 1.5 years ago with a 1 and 3 year old. Well, so was I. Then the martyism that she had over the last year. It's still there. Complaining about everything and how nothing is ever good in her life. She would tell me she never has any time for herself. Well, now I see that she had enough time for an A for over a year.

Even now, she's complaining how tight money is because she needs to pay two mortgages, this was to a friend of ours that knows what I've been trying to do with that. Her buying a house And paying both wereher decision....I keep trying to split her mortgage with me or just take mine myself and she won't do it. That would give her something she couldn't complain about.

Then she complained to me last week about how hard she has had to work for the kids to get the house ready. Saying she had to carry a dresser up the stairs herself, had to buy a house, etc....Her decisions! and why is she complaining about how hard SHE worked for them. If she was honestly looking at them first, it wouldn't matter. I don't mind one bit of the stuff I've done for the kids, it's actually when I'm not around them that I get upset.

This martyism was part of her way to cope about what was going on in her life, complain about something. I look back and this goes on for a while, but it never was over the top. Then I see the last year was different. When she was talking with me, it was always other things that were wrong in her life: work, friends, volunteering. You'd think at least once she would have said. MCS, you are why I'm unhappy or MCS, our marriage is in trouble. Nope, never. Never, never......then when she left, who did she blame? MCS. She would have kept that on me for the rest of my life. MCS was the one to ruin the M, but then I found out about OM and her plan didn't work.

Now I look back and the complaining she did with me, she did with other people, but the topic was different. It was MCS. MCS has caused all of her problems, our friends didn't believe it because they know MCS and her allegations were ridiculous. Her family didn't believe it, they know MCS. Friends told me after BD that she would say complain about me and they'd tell her to talk to MCS about it. Did she? Nope. But when they would ask again, she'd tell them that she's told me multiple times, or she told me and I yelled at her. WHAT?!?

Well, OM believed the things she said about MCS, so she kept telling him. Then she started to hang out with OM's friends and GF. They believed it too. So MCS is a horrible person and here's the thing. SHE started to believe it. why all of this lying? 18 months of lying (maybe more.) because W is not looking at herself.

I need to stop trying to rescue her. Gently, nudging her to see if she can get back on track, but not saying stuff about the kids because it may upset her. I can honestly say, looking back MCS was a really good husband and dad before BD. Now MCS is working on become a fantastic husband and dad. It's W decision if she wants back in.

My family is me and my two wonderful kids, right now. MCS is going to keep mum on mostly everything, but not the kids. They need me to be their Dad and right now, I'm not because I'm fearful my wife may get upset about what I say.