Intro and Thoughts

[BFloat]

It has been a little over 3 years and I will say.. It does get easier.

It was so hard and so incredibly painful for a long time. And it was scary... But my healing only really began when i truly let go. When I accepted that it was not within my control to "fix" my marriage. I placed in God's hands and realized.. The only choices or changes I could make were my own.

It was not a perfect easy ride. I had moments where I felt almost normal.. and then something H would say.. Or I would find out where he had gone and with whom... Would send me spinning. During those moments I had to go dark.. And that was to save myself.

Today, I am not sitting around waiting for H. I don't really know where I will be in a year.. 5 years... I continue to focus on looking at my life with my kids.. And making plans for what I want our life to look like. I'm not saying I'm completely unaffected by H and what he does but.. I don't really think about who he hangs out with or what he's doing. My happiness is no longer determined by what H is doing or how he's treating me.

I will tell you that I was as kind and gentle as I could be. And in doing so, I was true to myself. My kids have had some tough moments of missing H.. And moments of anxiety.. But it was so very important to me to let go of all the hurt and be forgiving of H. Being angry wasn't going to make me feel better.. This was a continual process of forgiving and reforgiving over and over...

I wish I could give my kids a 2 parent home.. But I am giving them what I can. 2 parents who love them.. Where they don't have to worry about whether mommy and daddy can be in the same room.. And something simple like on hallowe'en it we're not working, we will both be there to take the trick or treating (because that is important you know.. That both mommy and daddy see their costumes :))

Keep posting.. And keep your heart open to advice and moments of insight.. Your changes will make you stronger.. Wiser..