H keeps getting more friends on FB. Most of his friends are from the vacation home place, with the exception of a few high school friends, a couple of other friends and the family (all his siblings and their children). There are no friends from the state where he works. My son is also not part of it.
This is just so weird… I still cannot believe that he is on FB… And posting… He posted a self-picture the other day with another guy next to him, telling the world that he just finished the round of golf and now sitting at the restaurant/bar. I think he is looking for some attention. The FB does create some illusion that you are part of the circle. Was he that lonely and desperate to get on FB? Or, he is trying to show the world that he has so many friends? Which is, again, the sign that he feels lonely and out of place.
Expecting 2x4 here for even looking, LOL…
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hi Bright, Just so you know, your H is acting just like my W with the FB. This is a woman who can't find time to answer texts from her daughters but she still finds time to post the weirdest stuff on FB...every day. She posted vids of how to fend off a rapist recently! How weird is that?
With my W I'm certain she's trying to show and feel that she is somehow part of a "group", that she is part of the "in" crowd and has friends. That is so important to her but she has such poor R skills (even when it's just friendships) she has a very hard time making and keeping friends. Part of the reason she is D'ing me is the attention she is getting because of it (she actually told me this back when she filed!). She always would talk about how she felt "invisible" to others, since she has left she is getting lots of attention from the women she works with. I think many MLCers are like this, feeling like teenagers who desperately want to be "popular".
If I were you I would do what I have been doing. I just don't bother even looking at what W is posting. I get notified by email when she posts but I NEVER bother to look. Nothing good IMO can come from seeing what she's up to. I really think it helps me stay detached and might be something for you to think about!
att, thanks for the insight. I agree with you that MLCer wants to be popular, like a teenager. My H never had poor r skills with the people. He was always be able to talk to people everywhere. He was quite comfortable in the bars by himself, because he was always able to strike the conversations with strangers. At least on the surface he was always very sociable guy.
This was actually one of the argument points, that he made friends with single women who I had no idea about until I found out. H always made “friends” easily. Mind you that these were not real friends, just the people he knew and kept in touch with when it was convenient for him.
Part of the reason for H to leave me was that I was not good enough keeping in touch with people I met. I was not sociable enough for him. I’m still trying to understand what this is about…
So, this whole FB thing just doesn’t make sense to me. It is like texting and talking and socializing at the bars and stuff is not enough for him now. He wants to be out there, in the social media space, which he ridiculed before.
I just don’t know this guy anymore.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright - I think most of them go through this fb thing. I nearly fainted when I heard my xh was on it - I never ever looked. But when you think about it it is a perfect vehicle for people who want to wear a mask. They can present an unchallenged facade to the world.
He told me some time ago he is no longer on fb but I have never bothered to check if he is telling the truth. I am not interested.
It is a part of their journey, trying out new things.
Bright, FB is a social medium that a lot of people are using now. Whether what they post is the truth or not, time will tell. I call it the place of "bragging" for many who really want people to think that they are happy and doing a lot of cool things in their lives.
I wouldn't be too concerned about him using it. The desire to post will eventually die down, but right now, it's the coolest thing since the two dollar bill. As for the people posting there, at least it's people he knows.
Just because your son isn't invited to join isn't something I would be too concerned about. If you son wants to be part of his circle, he could send him a request...but otherwise, I wouldn't let on that you or son (might) know about it. As for looking at it, well, that's your call, but I can tell it disturbs you.
No 2x4's from me, but I will only say this, if things continue to perturb you, then stop them. The more time you allow things that perturb you to continue, the more your anger will fester. Your health and well being are far more important than things like this.
Try to keep the focus on you and your life. What he's doing...well, let's face it...he's trying to relive his life as a 20 yr. old and we all know that you can't go back, only forward.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Bea, thanks for the info. It is good to know that I’m not the only one to fall off my chair after learning that H is on BF, LOL.
Originally Posted By: job
Bright, FB is a social medium that a lot of people are using now. Whether what they post is the truth or not, time will tell. I call it the place of "bragging" for many who really want people to think that they are happy and doing a lot of cool things in their lives.
Job, I feel the same way. A couple of H’s friends at the vacation home are his friends on FB. They look like a very loving, happy couple, who got it all… But, last year this same couple split up after she punched the hall in the wall of his condo and stomped on his feet with the hill to break it, and he punched her in the face to give a huge black eye. It was quite a story back then. Then they reconciled. I’ve heard that they split once in a while and then reconcile. That time it was just a bit too dramatic. So, yeah, I can see how the FB gives a completely different picture…
You are right that H is trying to relive his life, only not his 20th. I think it is more like 14th-16th. He was 12 when his parents divorced and he had to grow up quickly, especially that he was the youngest.
I don’t really care about my son not being part of H’s FB. It is probably better that he is not, considering what H might post on there… It just proves one more time that H doesn’t give a sh!t about my son, that’s all.
I know that generally it is not advisable for LBS to check for the info about WAS. I just feel that I need this in order to either get very mad or completely disgusted with H, in hopes that it will finally set me free. I don’t know… One of my GF’s calls it masochism. Maybe knowing too much info about H will finally kill my hopes for H ever coming out of this.
Job, it does disturb me somewhat when I learn some info about H (now looking at his FB), but I know that it will also disturb me not knowing anything and letting my imagination to get out of control. I know what my imagination can do to me… Unfortunately… It is very hard to control…
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
job is right - we tend only to post the good on f/b - I know I do. I unfriended my h a while ago as I was worried I would open up my page and see a photo of him and ow plastered in front of me. The less I know the better - it only hurts when I do know.
I also don't want him to know what I am doing .... actually I do; but by removing him as a friend it makes what I am doing a mystery to him - he said to me before he left "I can always F/B stalk you, that is what everyone does nowadays" lol. It is funny to think he could be f/b stalking me, so that is why I only put interesting things I am doing on my status -
As for kids - neither h or I have our boys as friends now as they did not really want their parents knowing what they are doing - we did have them on until we felt they were old enough, just to keep an eye on them - it was an agreement of them having the f/b page in the first place.
NC is NC - if it hurts when you stab yourself with a pencil, then stop jabbing yourself with a pencil. It's tough and I have to resist doing it - I distract myself in that moment - I am always pleased later on that I did.
NC is NC - if it hurts when you stab yourself with a pencil, then stop jabbing yourself with a pencil. It's tough and I have to resist doing it - I distract myself in that moment - I am always pleased later on that I did.
You are so right Lou. FB stalking is not healthy because it is just a conduit for propaganda in these situations. Besides all the cool kids are on instagram. FB is so yesterday.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Besides all the cool kids are on instagram. FB is so yesterday.
OMG, Gwen, I bet H doesn’t know about that yet, LOL. I think this will be coming next after he is bored with FB.
LouR, thank you for the insight and for the encouragement.
Interesting thing is that I had three sessions with DB coach over a year ago. And in two of them he suggested that I open a FB account and start posting all the cool stuff I’m doing. I didn’t have BF, neither did H. So, it was pointless for me, because H would have no idea anyway. Now I’m thinking that I should have done that some time ago, so I would have some history with posting, etc.
Another interesting part it is that I feel that by looking what H is doing on FB is going to help me to detach. I already feel less and less respect for H knowing who he became “friends” with and what he is posting there. What a pathetic guy. I guess I’m one of these people who need to be whacked really hard to get over the R. If it means to completely lose respect got H, so be it.
I’m actually having some “devil” thoughts about the whole FB thing. I feel that H is using it to persuade himself that he is going great and have lots of friends who care. I think last year he had a big distraction of fulfilling his determination to have a tattoo when he turned 50. He was busy designing it first, then getting the work done, then bragging about it. I think this is an old story now. So, here we go with the FB… Another distraction for a while… Another illusion of happiness… Another attempt to distract himself because in reality he is very lonely and feels like a loser.
So, my thoughts are to activate my FB account, invite some friends and start posting the cool stuff. I think it would spoil H’s “happy” façade. Plus, I have a lot more cool stuff going on in my life, hehe. I’m still on the fence about this idea, but I think it will be a lot of fun!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, If you open a FB account, do it for you and not to "spoil" your h's happy façade. The reason I am saying this is that your h is in his own little world and he may or may not look at anything that you post. Also, what you post may give him something to think about, but it will not spoil the life and "happy façade" he's got going on. It might encourage him to compete w/you on the fun things you do and the places you go. Keep in mind, they have this competitiveness about them and if you say you have gone to such and such a place, they will have to do one better.
Will you invite him to be a friend? How do you plan to let him know you have a FB account?
Again, if you want to open an account w/FB, do it for yourself. Your account will not change his perspective on life right now, but it may make him curious to see what you are doing.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
