I went in with my best as-if. Intending to be an unconditional friend. To keep asking questions and find understanding. I laughed as often as I could, genuinely. Remembered the saying among teachers I worked with - Most important thing for anyone to feel in our space: "I like me when I'm with you." I was the woman I want to be for him as we work through this - calm, balanced, open, gentle. The partner he'd have to be stupid to give up on.
He was with his friend when they picked me up at airport. At friends' house, we talked for two hours. Sometimes very tense and hard, but I kept true to my intentions. I was vulnerable - part of my 180, and I validated as often as I could. We went out afterward, drank more than people our age should. Conversation flowed easy. I admitted to just wanting to touch him and he leaned in and let me kiss him. He promised he hadn't had any oxy for a week and I believe him. He has a bit left and his dad sat with us through that conversation - some of that was also hard and he did admit it was probably a factor (tho not to the degree our relationship broke down). We slept in the same bed and more. Went to breakfast next morning and he was still guarded but we were talking. He said he would consider coming home. That we would take it slow and put our marriage on the back burner as he and I did the work, that I could at least provide a supportive environment while he focused on his life. And I spent the rest of the day just being with him as he tried to help his dad, and doing what I could to be part of his life for this day. He thanked me for my help.
I came away from all of this feeling a lot more understanding in my heart, not just my head.
He dropped me off at the airport a few minutes ago. My only mistake was telling him I loved him again. Earlier today he reciprocated, tonight just a firm squeeze of my hand and "we'll talk soon."
I texted his friend to thank him again. He responded that H had also just sent a msg of thanks for support, saying it was a positive experience.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
