Heather's Prison Break

[LoisB]

Hi Peeps!

I think I'm doing ok?? I think?

I did need to step away from the boards for a bit to gain some perspective.

Yesterday, I happened to see this documentary about weight loss and it compared two people...one who kept the weight off and one who went back to his old ways.

The significant difference between the two? The successful person built a strong support system around him of people who understood, on a deeply personal level, the struggles he encountered. People who have been there and got through.

I don't want to go backwards. I haven't, as of yet, and I intend to keep moving forward.

Updates:

WORK: I spoke up for myself at work. I got the attention of the powers that be. I didn't do it perfectly but, in the end, I got a meeting with the publisher. I was honest and took responsibility for what was mine to own. It was a great meeting and I've had more support from the company than I've had since I started. Even the perfectionist editor has changed his tune and given me some support/encouragement. During the meeting, I could see where the publisher was saving his own face at times...in other words, some of what he said was crappola, but I was able to sit back, take what I needed and move forward.

I've been working hard at finding my own place with this job and figuring out what works for ME...I'm learning how I best accomplish things. And, I've faced the reality that I always tend to take on more than I can chew and, then, take the responsibility for ALL the world's problems when I should've been more realistic with what I'm able to do in the first place. It's now always ALL my fault.

Old Pattern for Heather...TAKE ON WAYYYYY TOO MUCH AND TRY TO DO IT ALL PERFECTLY AND, WHEN IT ALL FALLS APART, TAKE THE BLAME. Did it in my marriage, in my career, in all areas of my life. It's a way that I emotionally abuse myself.

D20: She is moving out today. I gave her an ultimatum. Either stay and contribute or move out. She chose to head back to P.A. She has no cell phone coverage because I stopped paying the bill. She has about $25 to her name. But, she seems to have things in place, at least temporarily, to keep a roof over her head and food in her tummy. She invested some Christmas money into the Jeep to get her to P.A. And, we downloaded a texting app so she can check in with me every 2 hours where there's free wifi.

We've had some great conversations in the past two weeks. Some angry and hard, some deep and meaningful. I see her as alcoholiIc and looking for another quick fix. But, I'm willing to step back and let her figure it out.

Part of me feels a bit resentful at how she bailed on me when I needed her help. She made things a lot harder these past months, when I had hoped she would make things easier. I know it was asking a lot of a 20-year-old...but, I also see how I put a lot of things into place for her to excel. IDK. I have a lot of feelings. I do see how she needs to find her way. I'm disappointed at how she is unwilling to make things work here...but, also a bit relieved.

I'm scared too, though. This will mean I need to put things in place for D12. And, as D12 said a few days ago..."Mom, it wasn't like D20 was helping us anyway. She makes things harder."

I feel angry that she pushed so hard to move and I put things into place only for her to jump ship when it got hard. I don't like that quality in my daughter. I don't like that she is opting to go towards the easy when she has Syracuse and umpteen possibilities here for a good life...but, here, means harder work. IDK. It feels like Smokey all over again. But, it's not. At least, I hope not. I know I will feel some relief when she is gone.

I hired someone to help. A great girl who is working her way through college. She is upbeat and fun. I'm so excited for her to help. I plan on sending Smokey the receipts for Care.com and let him know he is responsible for paying half of the 12 hours each week I will need her. I figure, if D12 was in school, I would still need help after because of the nature of my job. Twelve hours of childcare each week should be reasonable.

I still have loads of things to do for the D and for the homeschool and for my job and with finances. I keep putting the job first...And, my anxiety still slows me down, but it's getting better. And, listening to Gospel Music and sermons seems to help.

All in all, things have calmed down a few notches. It felt weird at first to have things go well. I'm allowing myself to get used to normal...I'm taking my victories where I can. Paid my heat and internet bill.

Still don't have any temporary support in place. It's a bit unbelievable to me.

Smokey sent this strange note on message paper. It was a proposal for a settlement. Parts of it were stupid...$150 per month for spousal support and he keeps the profit from the house...but, he did suggest $500 for child support and half of his retirement. He wanted me to send him back a Yea or Nay without showing my atty?? WTF?? Seriously? The bills for his atty must've come in. I believe he is counting on the profit from the house to pay for his atty. The money is sitting in escrow in his atty's name. It makes all the bluster about the condition of the house make sense. He may have gone in telling his atty that this was how he could pay for legal fees. Thus, the atty, went after what money he could see.

Oh, and he sent me a text before New Years where he admitted that he didn't pay any child support in November. I sent it directly to my atty.

And, there you have it.

I've missed you guys. Thanks for the thread Wonka ;-)