Barry's giving you good things to think about (I know nothing about Way of the Superior Man, so can't endorse that).

You're trying to control this R and the outcome. Stop. It's that simple. Back out of her life (not your kids' lives) and give her what she wants. Show that you're listening.

I think you're smothering her and living in a duplex would be more of the same. Get out of her life except where it intersects with the kids.

About what you deserve, I don't know what you deserve. Life is what we make it based on the choices we make. Very little of it in my estimation is about what we deserve.

Make some good choices for you here.

Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss