May your new year be

[Vanilla]

Gg

Abuse is very hard as a sitch. Mainly because sometimes the abused blames themself for the abuse. I have no idea how it gets that way. Inch by inch is my guess, boundaries are suppressed for the sake of a peaceful outcome or a happier marriage.

It is especially difficult if the abused feels some validity in the abusers claims. I was a screaming banshee, a reactor, a fight back, which intensified the grip. A little like being in a bog, if we struggle the bog holds tighter and drags us under even more. So stillness, reflection and imposing those boundaries firmly. Difficulty is this causes a stronger abuse reaction.

Dealing with a covert narc is very hard, if your H is a covert narc then there is probably no immediate cure. Only deep insight and hitting bottom will cause a change when behaviour is this engrained. Coverts are nasty beasties, as they hide their abuse, only seen by those they are abusing. They can be dangerous if thwarted so you are very wise gg to use your L as a communication medium.

One of your Hs marriage showing Gaslight tendencies could mean that H was unlucky in his choice of wife, but two shows a pattern. Lost and broken jewellery, to this extent? Not possible. Have you see the Alfred Hitcock film 'gaslight', it was one of my late night film choices and I suddenly saw manipulations of my sitch by my H including trying to 'manage' my relationship with my family. What surprised me was the maid in that film played by the actress in murder she wrote, how easily OWs can be dragged in. Of course I trust neither of our Hs are trying to take us to the brink as in that movie.

My H's abuse is getting to the unbelievable 'only Apple Juice' and the 'wrong bacon' so much so that even I can not deny it. And it is public too not covert. I recently sent H an email of the MP3. He has said nothing to me about it and I have a read receipt. I think this is typical of abusers gg, they don't like being confronted with the proof of it. In your case there is the added complication of porn which is used as an abuse tool, and it is nasty vicious and unwarranted. Porn used to demean and reduce, not just in a light hand as a personal release for the user. My H as far as I am aware has not used porn but he does compare me to the elite athletes he sees in his sport. Ridiculous comparison.

They do say 'birds of a feather' so it seems that your H's OW may exhibit some similar streaks of behaviour as H. Maybe they deserve each other's company for the time being.

You brought up S so in the long run you have the good in him. Teenagers respect but not always want firm boundaries. He knows you love him so it should come good in the end.

Lovely gg is moving on, and clever use of L. The courts love evidence so plenty of it. Although it is tiring and emotionally wearing and necessary, you need only do it once after that it is about refining it and clarifying. If you need any help then please post, at minimum the awful debris being stirred by this can be posted through. There are wonderful insightful writers on this site, and you gg are one of them

Was intending to ask how Lambie is.

Vanilla