Got to get my weary frame up and ready to go get s (early am here) but I'll post later.
You're showing real courage here, whether you stand for the m or not, and you have sizeable reasons for not but its very definitely your call, you are showing so much courage, its admirable.
Take care, stay safe
Edz
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
It's now 12 months. Basically I said I will see wher things stand by one year.
No where pretty much. So technically just moving on with moving on. Far as I can see.
The help here has been invaluable at helping this process and helping me to deal with things althought I'm sure it helps if your spouse is some what different to what I ended up with.
As they say it doesn't matter was vs mlc, sometimes like mayb, it's just they want easy no work and can't see a way to ever get in that place.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Omg, s17 just rang. As per normal transmission of 17yo it was all about him.
He was chatty pleasent in way. For once It did not end with him throwing his metaphorical hand bag.
Oh dinner went well seems I can cook, well too I might add wine bottle evaporated rather easy. Did roast pork with really great crackling lots of roasted veg and crunchy seasoning. Yumo scrumo.
started the damn farm paddock car that s17 left right in the middle of the flipping way when he made his threats. So now the bins can go out next week. Supposed to be dumping rain for the whole rest of tomorrow they were talking 200mls by Monday.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Your H seems to be in his own world and so moving on with moving on is not insensible. It might be what his spies need to see for him to take note and maybe do some of the work he needs to. Either way more detached from him is probably better.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
It's. Not like I haven't been heading that way, there's nuffink to hold back for.
Truely.
Oh might be a return of dinners out just as a one off tomorrow. Roast here we come. Seems the rain is stoping my exercise plans. Damn wet need almost to be a fish to go walking in it at times.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Spent today inside due to wet weather and filling in L answers and correcting things in our reply.
I had an ah moment, why would h choose a L with which he had a conflict of interest?
Well of course why did I not see this. It was in his answer via his laywer. He is manilpulating it to look like I never talked of Finances to show he's go no private intimate collection. Hence no grounds for settlement.
Oh dear, just shows how stupid very stupid I was thinking h had my best interests at heart even in the m!
Not sure why I'm feeling bad I was a trusting naive soul! They are good qualities to have.
Feeling a whole bunch of doubt, h makes it sound like I was the abuser. I'm still often so mixed up in the facts I'm not sure any more, maybe I was.
Stick a whole bunch of baggage in the corner and sets fire to it while rubbing hands.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
You say your H is a narc. Well, it's probably not you that were attracted to him first, but his charm was all on your because he could sense your fragility. That's the way people like the way you describe your H goes about life and R.
You have been telling us what he is doing with the OW. You see, he is a coward, a less of man and needs to feed all his insecurities, failures in other people good character.
This kind of people like to make other fear. Once they impose fear in their partners, then they feel strong, powerful to take the world. They live in extreme sarcasm, criticism and pleasure on letting someone else down.
I know and respect that it is your decision to choose your M or not. I know how hard it is to move on, I am going through it myself. But please, assure yourself that you deserve better, you are a human being and needs to be treated with respect and value. No one in this world have the right to put you down, to make you feel like garbage when they want to.
I get the whole fight for your rights, for stuff. My H and I talked about a D settlement last week, he wants me to sign what he thinks is better for us. He wants me to give up on some of my rights just to make things easier on him. I said no, I will talk to a L first.
Maybe I could agreed, but he did not respect me, he had the paper ready, like he would just convince the idiot and bang, got what he wants. Sorry, but I can stand by myself, I can have my own opinion and I can fight for what is right to me.
So yes, go after what is right for you. Stand tall and show your H you are no longer his bully, his toy. Show that he can't put fear on you no longer.
I know you are a gracious person and I know you do not do things in an ugly way. You learned the craft, you are elegant and charming, you show him with a nice touch that he does not owns you anymore.
You are amazing, you are strong, you have been fighting for your life for a long time. You deserve better, like you said, you will look for another R, give yourself a chance to be happy one day.
You are a brave woman, you are worthy and we love you.
By the way, I love walking outside when it's raining. I know it's crazy but I do.
When it's so wet, you can do some stretching inside the house, it is good and keep you moving. Are you keeping that diet, or are the candies jumping out of the pantry?
By the way, I noticed that you do not mention talking to some girlfriends, I find it very good for me to talk to my friends, they help me a lot too. We even exercise together so we can keep the gossip going.
Take good care of yourself and make sure all the doors are closed when you go to bed. Keep yourself safe.
Sounds like a squally day in weather and emotions to deal with yesterday, know you'll overcome both. As pink said you deserve so much better whichever direction you go in. I know what you mean on doubting yourself, won't go over it all again but you know how my sitch got where it did, spent yesterday night rolling it around in my head, in the end you wonder which way is up and which way is down.
Just hang in there and yes,keep safe.
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
Work bestie, interstate mate, fairy god mother. Had a talk to each of those today.
Work bestie is planning her 25 wedding anniversary all the single mates of hers that are part of what I've called the lost t%#^{ brigade will be there let's hope perhaps things might move along.
Stayed later at the pub just talking to some of the other people there as I left. Managed to chat to a couple of total strangers men too! no anxiety what so ever.
No spy's at the pub either, which is a first in weeks although h besties wife was rumoured to be os, my understanding she is now home.
Creek was a bit high and let's hope no more rain, although I doubt we managed 200mls.
Oh and sit down folks s17 phoned again. Asking about his dog, as in taking dog to town to visit. Due to rain I didn't want to leave and then it was too late I had to go for dinner.
Seemed to want to talk but s17 was out with mates and knew I was out too, perhaps he's processing about life moved on while he wasn't watching. Perhaps he's processing who knows.
Yes was weak few days of no mm and today, bloody things. Sigh. The are so badly behaved. Rolls eyes.
Last edited by Ggrass; 01/11/1511:20 AM.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Abuse is very hard as a sitch. Mainly because sometimes the abused blames themself for the abuse. I have no idea how it gets that way. Inch by inch is my guess, boundaries are suppressed for the sake of a peaceful outcome or a happier marriage.
It is especially difficult if the abused feels some validity in the abusers claims. I was a screaming banshee, a reactor, a fight back, which intensified the grip. A little like being in a bog, if we struggle the bog holds tighter and drags us under even more. So stillness, reflection and imposing those boundaries firmly. Difficulty is this causes a stronger abuse reaction.
Dealing with a covert narc is very hard, if your H is a covert narc then there is probably no immediate cure. Only deep insight and hitting bottom will cause a change when behaviour is this engrained. Coverts are nasty beasties, as they hide their abuse, only seen by those they are abusing. They can be dangerous if thwarted so you are very wise gg to use your L as a communication medium.
One of your Hs marriage showing Gaslight tendencies could mean that H was unlucky in his choice of wife, but two shows a pattern. Lost and broken jewellery, to this extent? Not possible. Have you see the Alfred Hitcock film 'gaslight', it was one of my late night film choices and I suddenly saw manipulations of my sitch by my H including trying to 'manage' my relationship with my family. What surprised me was the maid in that film played by the actress in murder she wrote, how easily OWs can be dragged in. Of course I trust neither of our Hs are trying to take us to the brink as in that movie.
My H's abuse is getting to the unbelievable 'only Apple Juice' and the 'wrong bacon' so much so that even I can not deny it. And it is public too not covert. I recently sent H an email of the MP3. He has said nothing to me about it and I have a read receipt. I think this is typical of abusers gg, they don't like being confronted with the proof of it. In your case there is the added complication of porn which is used as an abuse tool, and it is nasty vicious and unwarranted. Porn used to demean and reduce, not just in a light hand as a personal release for the user. My H as far as I am aware has not used porn but he does compare me to the elite athletes he sees in his sport. Ridiculous comparison.
They do say 'birds of a feather' so it seems that your H's OW may exhibit some similar streaks of behaviour as H. Maybe they deserve each other's company for the time being.
You brought up S so in the long run you have the good in him. Teenagers respect but not always want firm boundaries. He knows you love him so it should come good in the end.
Lovely gg is moving on, and clever use of L. The courts love evidence so plenty of it. Although it is tiring and emotionally wearing and necessary, you need only do it once after that it is about refining it and clarifying. If you need any help then please post, at minimum the awful debris being stirred by this can be posted through. There are wonderful insightful writers on this site, and you gg are one of them
Was intending to ask how Lambie is.
Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 01/11/1501:00 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
no anxiety what so ever.