Responding Vs Reacting

[Faith2b]

It will make me feel good if he persues me but it wont be a complete 180 he to me is just worried if he is losing me. I know I should take the small positives but he has a tendency to try me on having his cake and eating it too. Im guessing boundaries. Im always happy and cheery he is accustome to this. But now with the ro and me seeing my faults in the situation Im just not sure how I should feel? Should I be concerned with his reasoning or should I just act as if soooo confused about what my stance should be?? Dont ven know if anyone can understand my conscern help???

[Faith2b]

Im almost moved out of the house. I only have the kids rooms to get packed up. I actually only need to get the beds and their toys. He called my friend and said that I needed to return the washer and dryer that it was in the contract. I called the Realtor he said my ex said he would take care of replacing the washer and dryer therefore I was not going to bring them back. My girlfriend told my ex he would have to talk to me further for the rest of the back and forth. He reminded her of the RO well that was that. If he felt that he was that much unsafe I would think he would have made me aware of him filing since last month. So at this point Im over it all. Im going to leave the rest of whats in the house for him to figure out what to do with.

Last night has to have him thinking. He cant be made at me because his lack of communication with me has been a problem for a very long time. So Im really enjoying my time without his calls which are always so pushy. Im really taking this time for me to get my GAL on!! I have less then 3 days to be out of the house and Im feeling quite accomplished with this. Like I said he wanted to help me with this move but it hasn't happened. Im at peace with this. My old self would have been raging and angry...Im ok I feel that this is only more of detachment and more of me standing on my own two feet. It really speaks volumes because. I really dont need him. He told me before he left that I owe him. I was so puzzled by this. But hey in hindsight I feel like what do I know about LOVE!! Im really starting with a beginners mind. Its time for me to learn what love looks like so I can have it with my exh or someone else. I really hope I can continue with him but for now patience is a virtue. I really need to be the example for my kids and my ex may see it.

But again this is definitely for me GAL ON!!

[Faith2b]

Just watched Tony Robbins really enjoy his talks. I have really realized that I have been reacting in anger because I felt so out of control of the situation and frustrated because I could change my spouse. I have realized that I have used very bad bad coping skills when it comes to my relationship and I definitely did not portray love. He sees me as an angry person and yes I got worse. He has done me a great justice. I know that alot of people see he is with ow. But I know that he really loves me by making me hold myself accountable. I have no idea how someone that I feel so far from someone who I perceive as hurting me really has helped shape me as a woman. I will not dare look at the circumstances. I know these are only symptoms that I have contributed too. Its like you not wearing a coat outside when the temp is so low than you wonder why you get sick. Well I see hope. I am going to continue on my road to self discovery. I attract only the circumstances that I put into this world. Im a loving person and through whatever stage or step I am in LOVE will be the driving force.

I hope on this day your having a success because LOVE depends on it!!!

[Faith2b]

Having a pity party ugh. Moving stuff is hard. Just to think he made me a makeup table and I'm moving it all by myself. The memories. Ugh. Help?? Need some cheer through this. Almost done. Moving out solo.

[Faith2b]

Last day I can get anything done. I have to bust my booty to get everything out today. I had a break down tonight. Yes even with the RO I still wish he would come over and help me move. I realize its not that I cant I just wanna see him soooo bad. Well I cried my eyes out prayed and I feel better. Upon coming into work I spoke with a younger officer about anger and how you have to control your emotions. Yes I actually gave a pep talk about my own issue. Geesh well Im more understanding on how I get so angry. Its the lack of control over my circumstances that would get me to the point were I would get so angry I would yell and throw things. I mean I have realized when I would get angry it made me feel I had things somewhat under control. I felt more assured. Im understanding that I have to let go I mean LLLLEEEETTT GOOO!!! uncertainty is ok and it does not have to be in my hands at all. I mean I do want him to come back to me of his own free will. I disgusting of me to think anger would really be a fix to making things ok. Its also selfish. Im being selfish and acting like a baby.

Sometimes when I think about the fact that I messed up so badly I just wanna see him so that I can plead and apologize I wanna just cry get on my knees and apologize. I wanna say Im sorry so bad. Im trying so hard to fix me. I know its for me as well and for my children. I can see that...I just want him to see. I want him to know I truly love him and I now have the tools to be better for him.


Please any thoughts I take brutal as great need some honsety here. I need it so I can track where Im headed. Any thoughts or advice is helpful.

[Faith2b]

Im just so in awe how this seen on the outside horrible experience is the best gift I have ever recieved. Its like I have highs lows but toi hte core Im becoming a better me. Despite ow him moving out this stuff only seem a symptom its crazy because I think I shpuld be more hopeless but Im not. I can see layers and layers of my own judgement and doom that I have put on my marriage to be erasing. Its a love story that only some can see and only some will understand. I wanna start fresh and this love story will only have one in the audience and that will be him. I pray to God everyday and I ask him to take the wheel in my sitch. Everyday its easier to love him without the baggage that has been attached to the old marriage and even the current circumstances. I have let alot of issues and problems block him from my love. The uncertainty has lead me down a road of destruction that I will never except again in my life. Uncertainty is not the problem how I handle it is. Thus my anger is not going to rule its only a signal its not the road Im traveling on. Its the thing that tells me to stop slow down or yield.


GAL ON!!

[labug]

This all sounds good. I would caution tho that you may still be reacting.

Why the RO? What happened?

What are you doing to work on your anger?

Where does that anger come from?

[Faith2b]

Yes I am still reacting because I know he knows I want to see him and he is refusing to see me.

The RO was because before he left the house he was ignoring me so when he was in the closet in the am getting ready for work I went in closet shut the door and turned him to look at me. I didnt hurt him by any means but I put my hands on him so that he would stop looking at his clothes and look at me. He was telling me he doesnt care anymore if we lose the house. He was also making threats that we would be ending again. I was scared and his silence makes me crazy. He knows it a big provoker because we even talked baout it in counseling.

After he moved out I said some really mean things. He said some means things. He then told me he would not be paying for our daughters daycare. So I had sent all 3 kids to my mothers which is 2 and half hours away. On Thanksgiving I woke up at 2 am in the morning. I had a break down I saw a car in the driveway. I knocked on the door he said he was alone and that the car belonged to the neighbor. I knew he was lying I grabbed a cup out my car and through it threw the door window. Omg I know this all sounds horrible.

So anyways on DEC 9th he filed the RO but he never told me. We continued things like normal talking on the phone and pick up with kids. We got into another roller coaster a week ago because he said the ow was mad because my yougest daughter said. She does not like her and she is not my mommy. So I was extrmely upset I had already been awar of my anger since the broke window incodent. So I told him he better fix it. Fix the problem because despite he personal life my kids would not be put in the middle. He then later in the day said everything is fine. I was upset by this I asked if me him and the kids could meet becuae I was concerned and I wanted them to know we would be ok. We are a untied front despite the currents sitch. I was so upset. I was so conscerned about my daughter so I told him I was going to come to his place he said just go to sleep Monica. But I was so upset and I told him I was still coming I had to see him and the kids. When I got their he of course did not open the door. I told him please let me see the kids. At this point I said cll the poice becuase I wanna be able to see them. And this is how I got served. it had already been a month and I had no idea we had talked many many times. I didnt know.

The anger comes from my relationship being out of my control. I have no power to have my family. I have given up all that means the most to me. The whole set it free. I gave him the divorce I gave him everything he has wanted and its now even more out of my hands. He has even said that he knows how much he has put me through. He regrets putting the RO but we have court on FEB 5 so their is nothing to be done until that date. Its true I have failed in what I said I would do for my family. I made him believe I can hold us all together. I did not. Not because I didnt want to I just did not know how.


Please any insight will help?

He is majorly hurt I did let him down my anger has been bigger than my love for him. Now I see that.

[Faith2b]

I know and see I am still reacting. Im in the process of getting my emotions undercontrol. I still wanna see him I wanna show him. I know I will get the oppurtunity. Im just trying to reel in these emotions especially anger over the situation. Im mad at me I know I have been asking for more grace and mercy on myself. I have been fighting the temptations. Maybe If I show him I can hold my emotions to want to see him and my emotions of anger because I have not been respectful of him wanting to not be around him. He will give me an inch and I will want whole foot. I can see that now.

[Faith2b]

So exH will be coming over in the am. So that he can help me move. He called my girlfriend. I'm relieved. This is going to be a test though I am going to shut my mouth and focus on the move. I will only talk when he asks me something. I'm going to stay clear from any r talks or any I feel comments. I'm only going to be empathatic. I don't know I feel pretty good about nor reacting. I have been working hard any suggestions??