Responding Vs Reacting

[Faith2b]

Last day I can get anything done. I have to bust my booty to get everything out today. I had a break down tonight. Yes even with the RO I still wish he would come over and help me move. I realize its not that I cant I just wanna see him soooo bad. Well I cried my eyes out prayed and I feel better. Upon coming into work I spoke with a younger officer about anger and how you have to control your emotions. Yes I actually gave a pep talk about my own issue. Geesh well Im more understanding on how I get so angry. Its the lack of control over my circumstances that would get me to the point were I would get so angry I would yell and throw things. I mean I have realized when I would get angry it made me feel I had things somewhat under control. I felt more assured. Im understanding that I have to let go I mean LLLLEEEETTT GOOO!!! uncertainty is ok and it does not have to be in my hands at all. I mean I do want him to come back to me of his own free will. I disgusting of me to think anger would really be a fix to making things ok. Its also selfish. Im being selfish and acting like a baby.

Sometimes when I think about the fact that I messed up so badly I just wanna see him so that I can plead and apologize I wanna just cry get on my knees and apologize. I wanna say Im sorry so bad. Im trying so hard to fix me. I know its for me as well and for my children. I can see that...I just want him to see. I want him to know I truly love him and I now have the tools to be better for him.


Please any thoughts I take brutal as great need some honsety here. I need it so I can track where Im headed. Any thoughts or advice is helpful.