Nero - we must have been posting at the same time, I have just seen your post !
Thank you as always.
Clovelly - not very far from me, which prob means you have been to where I live :o) other side -
Quote:
(i do reserve the right to be a screaming whining mess tomorrow should something new arise - i am not claiming total "victory" (YET)...I'M Just sayin - this minute it's new and i appreciate it.
Lol, I think we are all like that - day by day nero, day by day.
Quote:
back at your stage (for me) i just "kept busy" and tried not to think. just move move move - keep breathin - sheesh. i shudder to think back. if you're alive and here- you're doing great. i'm not kidding
This is pretty much how I am surviving all of this - but I do worry that I am not dealing with the shock/grief process properly and that I am burying it by keeping busy -
Quote:
i do actually feel like my "new life" is beginning - but it's more in my head than anything anyone can see - even me. a feeling. i just feel differently- all on it's own - and i even wonder what i'll do next.
I am so happy to read this nero - it seems easy to get stuck waiting for something to happen with h and your r. Only you know when its time to say enough and sounds like you are reaching that point?
Quote:
i do wonder if h packs it in for good with me - will i go thru all that again? i don't think i could ever be as surprised and miserable as i was - i've become more accustomed to the notion of being on my own and i'll endure whatever happens and get thru it. i feel loosely optimistic, yet apathetic about the future - (oh yeah- - whoever said whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger sure knew what they were talking about). that's exactly how it feels.
You never know what ....or who ... is around the corner. Try keep an open mind nero, you may be pleasantly surprised
Quote:
it's hard after a lifetime of worrying about all the other guys in your life first. I like myself well enough and am good company- but that isn't the issue is it? really. like you - he'd pop into my head a million times a day - he's part of your life. the biggest part. that doesn't disappear quickly- someone being incorporated in your life completely for soooo long.
I really identify with this quote. I can't imagine him not being in my head, the movie not playing on loop. I can't imagine me ever not loving him or wanting him in my life so badly. H was my rock, my bf, my everything - which is probably why I feel so much pain, I put my all in to him and my boys and did not leave anything over for me. I feel just utter utter sadness that this has happened to us, to him - as this is not him - the caring, loving man who would once upon a time have done anything for anyone, has turned into someone who if it does not benefit him, then he does not want to know. I want him to return - more for him, as he was a much nicer guy before this happened ..... No one in the village can believe it, everyone is stunned, we were the model couple - always happy and loved up.
Its s17 18th tomorrow - I am skyping with him - I know I in for a few down days as it pains me to not be there celebrating with him. He is still staying with h as s17 wants h to buy his first pint .... well legal pint ha ha. Then s flys back home on Tuesday, takes his full driving test wed. He is out with friends celebrating his 18th next weekend. I feel so sad I am missing out on all this - but it was my choice to come to the UK over this time, so I should not moan.
