You say your H is a narc. Well, it's probably not you that were attracted to him first, but his charm was all on your because he could sense your fragility. That's the way people like the way you describe your H goes about life and R.
You have been telling us what he is doing with the OW. You see, he is a coward, a less of man and needs to feed all his insecurities, failures in other people good character.
This kind of people like to make other fear. Once they impose fear in their partners, then they feel strong, powerful to take the world. They live in extreme sarcasm, criticism and pleasure on letting someone else down.
I know and respect that it is your decision to choose your M or not. I know how hard it is to move on, I am going through it myself. But please, assure yourself that you deserve better, you are a human being and needs to be treated with respect and value. No one in this world have the right to put you down, to make you feel like garbage when they want to.
I get the whole fight for your rights, for stuff. My H and I talked about a D settlement last week, he wants me to sign what he thinks is better for us. He wants me to give up on some of my rights just to make things easier on him. I said no, I will talk to a L first.
Maybe I could agreed, but he did not respect me, he had the paper ready, like he would just convince the idiot and bang, got what he wants. Sorry, but I can stand by myself, I can have my own opinion and I can fight for what is right to me.
So yes, go after what is right for you. Stand tall and show your H you are no longer his bully, his toy. Show that he can't put fear on you no longer.
I know you are a gracious person and I know you do not do things in an ugly way. You learned the craft, you are elegant and charming, you show him with a nice touch that he does not owns you anymore.
You are amazing, you are strong, you have been fighting for your life for a long time. You deserve better, like you said, you will look for another R, give yourself a chance to be happy one day.
You are a brave woman, you are worthy and we love you.
By the way, I love walking outside when it's raining. I know it's crazy but I do.
When it's so wet, you can do some stretching inside the house, it is good and keep you moving. Are you keeping that diet, or are the candies jumping out of the pantry?
By the way, I noticed that you do not mention talking to some girlfriends, I find it very good for me to talk to my friends, they help me a lot too. We even exercise together so we can keep the gossip going.
Take good care of yourself and make sure all the doors are closed when you go to bed. Keep yourself safe.
