Ganb8te 4 - Putting on my giraffe ears

[gan]

Well I conquered a wobbly crow. I still need to work on it. For now though, it's time for a new thread. Time for a new goal.

One of my biggest weaknesses remains communication. At BD H said that I don’t listen. On further reflection I’ve come to think that this is more to do with the fact that I don’t hear the meaning behind his words. He also used to say that I made him feel like he couldn't be sad. I come from a wonderful family with a "she'll be right, mate" attitude. That's been a valuable asset post-BD as it contributes to me knowing that I will be OK regardless of the outcome. But it makes me crappy at validating others when they express their feelings. So before the end of this thread, my goal is to make some progress towards developing my empathetic listening skills and improve my ability to VALIDATE others.

The title of my thread is in reference to Non-Violent Communication (NVC) which I have read and will return to for direction. If anyone has any other recommendations for resources on communication I am all giraffe ears.

Old threads here.

Continued thanks to all who stop by to post on my thread.

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Quick summary for those just joining: limited contact punctuated by awkward meetups where I show off PMA and he brings up the R. Key conversations and phrases below:

(2 June, H moves out)
- 28 June, he says "he doesn't want to be alone but that he doesn't want to be unhappy either." He seems stressed/angry. Thanked me for giving him space.
- 12 August, he seems emotional, said it makes him sad to see me, he brought up R and I reinforced my position that I still wanted M
- 28 Sept, he seems less emotional, says "it's nice to see me", "it's not you, its the relationship" and "IF we were to get involved again the R would have to be very different. Right now I don't see how that can happen."
(3 October, I move into my own place)
- 25 Oct, he says "it's nice to see me," "sorry, doesn't have much to say." No R talk.
- 22 Dec, he seems frustrated. He explains that this is not what he imagined - me going on holidays by myself and "not that he thinks things should be different" but just that it makes him sad. He says "maybe some day we'll get together and it will be fun…" but something to the effect that tonight was not that night. He says "People don't change”. I said (in a calm voice) it would be useful to understand more specifically what he thinks would need to change. He responded by saying he didn't want to sit there and make me feel bad and that "maybe we would talk about it later”. He says: "You're an amazing person" but "You're not a good match for me" "I'm not a good match for you.” Suggests we meet again in February.

While I generally have enough self control to not initiate contact unless I am deliberately testing the waters, I still struggle to detach emotionally some days. In part that is because our meetups tend to suggest that he hasn’t detached. There are still enough references to the future to feed my hopes, even if he can’t see a way back to the R right now. I need to trust in the process, work on my changes and demonstrate them to him when we meetup.

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So my plan from here:
- Wait for him to initiate contact (likely February)
- Yoga 3X week, daily meditation practice (need to renew my commitment to the latter as I let it slip a bit over the holidays)
- Seek opportunities to practice NVC
- GAL