Moving forward either way...

[Bunches]

So I had what I'm calling my best / worst day recently yesterday. Finally made some time to head to NC to check out school options for S if I make the move out of town for job offered. STBXW came up too and went with us. Spent several hours together and don't know how best to describe it. Seemed so natural and comfortable but after the school visit, which has be doubting I can make the move, W started to dig at what was on my mind. When I shared a little it got right into the 'us' conversation. W told me she didn't see any of the problems in me today that she felt we had when together and thinks I've changed, that she cares a lot about me, and only tries to keep away from me because she is concerned about hurting me more. She still doesn't have any interest in trying to R because she 'doesn't feel anything for me romantically' anymore.

She doesn't see why this is even on my mind anymore she says because its been over a year. She threw me for a loop when she said she didn't know why we weren't D already. Said she did what I asked when we split and waited 6 months to see if things changed in her mind. Didn't manage to keep quiet on that one. She was having EA before leaving and jumped immediately into PA either just before leaving or right after. She doesn't seem to see how that matters as she waited to push official D until 6 months later....sigh.

Anyhow, even after arguing all that again I feel like she started to share more of the why she left telling me her feelings around that time which she never felt like sharing before. At that point, while driving I made a wrong turn, started to curse my inability to multitask talking and driving and we both started to laugh. We spent 2 hours arguing about us and then ended up laughing and then making jokes. All in all the day sucked and I still had fun spending time with her. Almost 15 months in and I still freaking hate this. Feeling really sad again today...

BIL called me last night and was updating me about some other event in his life. He says he thinks W wants to come back on some level but has too much guilt over the A's to let herself act on it. Too much damage he says and she can't deal with it. I don't know what to believe anymore.