I did not say all this as a slap on your face. The situation you are going through right now is not easy at all.
I have moments I cry on my pillow. I have some serious talk to my kids when they started all negative and feeling angry with their dad. I told them flat, my problem is a M/R problem with your dad and you do not have any thing to do with that. As a matter of fact, I need to apologize that you are all going through this turmoil right now.
And I said, you are lucky to have a nice mom like me, and a nice dad as the one you have. Right now, we are not H and W but we are and will always be Mom and Dad, this will never change even if we go in different paths.
I do not allow my children to talk bad about their dad. As much as I want to explode, I control myself for not saying that I want to kill the dinosaur (H). When I am around the kids, it's not about me or my H, it's about them and who they will grow into to be the next parent, good friend, a part of society.
My H is all over the place, he comes one day and is telling me how much he loves me and how he can't forget me and live without me. Then he calls and wants to talk about D settlement. Finally I had the guts to meet him at a cafe and tell him straight that I had enough. I told him I do not deserve all this suffering and I want him to leave me alone and respect my space and time. If he is choosing to leave me so do it. I told him I have my three boys with me, I need to feed them, I need to support them in their teen crazy hormones ups and downs, I need to make sure all bills are paid including his, I need to be on top of all doctor/dentist/ortho appointments, I work every day, I go to church and I need to deal with my pain.
So I said very calmly and very respectful, for him to back off the turmoil that he is living right now and let it be. We will talk about the D, about the kids, but I can't handle he chasing me for his own good. We have communicate after that and I answer him polite, we do not argue and he knows I care for him, but he is not suppose to drive me crazy anymore.
It's hard to take that decision, but in the long run I think it is better for me and also for him. I will feel better, and work on my detaching. And he will now face the consequences of his own choices, while he was coming and going he did not stop to think what he is doing, now he will need to face it. Maybe he will start thinking that I was not the only problem he had, maybe not.
When I talked to my H, I did not asked him please. I said that this is what I need right now. And I need this because my children are more important then any R. I need to be in my right mind, with some peace inside me and be able to create a health environment for my sons. They did not ask for this problem, they are the victims of all this. So, I decide to respect them and raise them the best way I can.
Today, we are all home watching Patriots vs Ravens, sometimes the boys even tease me watching the game and trying to choose who could be my next husband. Today I chose Brady or Flacco.
All this don't come easy, this is the result of a decision to stand tall and have some healthy boundaries for your and your son's sake.
25 is giving you very good insights, we know you are getting there. It's hard, but with time it gets easier. It's even easier if you have a purpose. In a way, if the whole turmoil stops or slow down a little, then maybe your W will think about, maybe she will consider something, let her wonder who you are and are becoming. Surprise her once you become better and feel better. Don't forget... forgive and detach. I am doing it and it gets better, I promise.
