Wife Walked Away 10 Weeks Ago

[25yearsmlc]

mahhhty,

As always, you are spot on! I have been seeing a counselor since the first wk we were separated--but thanks for the tip. I have also read DR and may pick up DB, too. After my W's text about me leaving our house, I did respond in a confident way that I've moved on with my life--with our without her. That's something new for me.

You texted that to her? May I suggest you run those types of contacts by us before sending them next time?

Texting isn't a great way to communicate and I'm not sure "Telling" her how you have changed really does much. Or how it came off.

Maybe it came off as punitive...can't say b/c I don't know how you worded it or if you did it out of nowhere, which would be strange looking.

You have an excellent point: "Explaining is justifying, which is reasoning, which is off limits."

I will continue to work on making myself a better person, especially working on self-esteem issues. I believe that had a ,ot to do with the mess we are in.

Rather than waiting til we feel better about ourselves (and then we hope we will BEHAVE better), why not begin Acting better now, and maybe FEEL better about it all, later on?

I mean, it's about how you treat your wife, more than how you feel about it, isn't it?


I felt guilty about not being able to help my W more and a few other things which were no fault of mine at all.

if nothing was your fault, what's to change? What control do you have there?


In the process, I believe I took it out on my W, not realizing it at the time.

Few of us realize at the time that we are scapegoating our spouses. What does that mean to you?

The hardest part of this is living apart, not having spoken in about 5 weeks, and only ocassional texts.

As I mentioned above, I know I can improve myself and will never give up on that--for me. But, honestly, I still love my W and wish she can see the changes.

the "math" equation of this is

consistent changes + Sufficient time = change she can believe in.

Do you know HOW you will show her changes when you do see or contact her?

What are your 180s? Be specific, please. IT's easier for YOU that way.

Other than not pestering her with calls/texts like I used to weeks ago, I'm not sure how she'll be able to tell if I've made positive, lasting changes.

That^^ is your challenge, isn't it? Explore it a lot and let us know what you want to try.