I think I'm done

[mustardseed]

Thank you Maybell. I will answer your question but first I have to once again humble myself by journalling another failed attempt to do it my way rather than DB way:

I tried having a conversation with him where I tried to validate what he has told me, and it got all twisted.

It is over. He is going to file. Marrying me was a big mistake. He doesn't like me. He thinks I am turning the kids against him. I am crazy (yes I have been emotional lately, of course that is the part he focuses on), he doesn't confided in "very good friend" anymore, he hasn't been with anyone else, he told me where he stays when he doesn't come home. He is prepared for things to get ugly. When I tried to set a boundary he said, "this must be all of that self-help [censored] you've been reading". When I asked why in September he was talking about trying to rebuild he denied it and said, "I said we could talk to someone", that's not how it happened. He was very clear about wanting to try and work things out, even though he didn't follow through. I think that last rope me in and throw me back out attempt is what got me to this really bad place. Before that I was really on the right track. I want to get back there.

So a conversation that I was hoping would get us back to a civil place where we could move forward one way or the other has once again backfired. What are those things called again that I should be doing? 180s? Yeah I forgot all about those things. I forgot all about all of the rules. I tried it my way and I feel worse than ever.

I don't want to save this anymore. I just want to try to save some of my dignity--if there is any left to be saved at this point. He always wins those "discussions" because I always think they are actually conversations but for him they are battles. Last week I paid almost $400 for DB counseling that I haven't used. I wonder if I could get a refund. This is not someone I want to be married to anymore. He is unstable and cruel. And I'll admit I am not at my best right now, but at least I come from a place of kindness. I'm just not detached enough to make rational choices and I keep getting sucked into his games.
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Day after the calamity. I want to be happy and proud. I want to be surrounded by people who love me and are honest with me. People I can trust. He is left to self destruct and I am rising above all of the pain and confusion. For the first time in a long time I have clarity, and I take care of me for the first time. I am in control of my emotions and my well-being, and my children admire me for my strength and composure as I manage my way through this. That woman who was crying is gone, and she is replaced by a happy, strong, confident provider who doesn't need another person to make her happy. Because she is enough.

Starting right now. No more conversations. No more trying to turn the tables back. I'll just let him do what he has to do, and I will make sure my family (minus 1) will have a solid, strong rock in me to weather this storm.