Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #5

[25yearsmlc]

Great post HP, I love Jack3's wisdom and Denver's humble lessons taught us all something.

Do I think my own h behaved wonderfully, or do I feel he "wronged" me back in those DB years?

1) I'm not really sure it matters, (the past has passed) and that's crucial to grasp. AND

2) so what if he did?

I'm not a victim.

I'm imperfect and so is he. IF he wronged me (and yeah, I'd say so) since I am not here to punish him, what is there to say or do?

Is he sorry? God, I think so.

But the ONLY reason that matters is b/c it tends to lessen the chances of it happening again. NOT b/c that means he has "paid the penalty".

I know I'll probably never understand how or why he chose to leave his family for a 'job", or lifestyle or adventure, or whatever he told himself then.

But Agreeing on the past is no longer vital to me; in fact I think it's impossible.

What matters is that we agree on our future. Going "From this day forward", like the marriage vows say. Brilliantly written, I now see.

"From this day forward" also means, eventually, letting go of today and the past.

You will not be able to hold onto your pain and anger AND reconcile with your w.

That ^^ is a fact.

Thought you might want to keep that in the back of your mind so when you have some time, maybe even on a daily basis at some point, you will need to turn that stuff over to God. IT's too much to carry and it sure does interfere with healing and reaching out.

Plus, you are not teaching your son the lessons you need to learn yourself AND that he also needs.

We know how you feel about your w's behavior. How'd you feel about your son's behavior?

You seem to know it is unacceptable and disrespectful. I'm wondering what you will do differently, the next time this type of situation arises.

Ironically, we had a basketball game for our youngest last night, and they too lost badly. And she barely got to play and she's a senior. But she seems happy anyhow. (She's changed.)

18 months ago (her sophomore year) she was taken from the JV team. There, she was captain and point guard, and the highest scorer, consistently scoring a minimum of 12-14 points per game. Sometimes she made as many as 28 in a game. She was moved up to Varsity b/c "she's so badly needed on Varsity!"

Now she's barely playing half a game on varsity, if that. Last night and the game before, she barely got the ball and was then told to pass it, and the team is mostly losing...last night she played well and deserved to play more but didn't. Oh well.

Thank God she loves her teammates. Otherwise I'm not sure what she'd want.

But Friendships and teamwork are huge lessons. Most importantly, perhaps, is that I believe she learns more about herself, others and life in general, from losing, than she learns from winning.

Maybe that's also true for your son?

Question: I believe your wife wants to be, and is, an advocate for your son. I totally get that.

But I am wondering what the debate with the coach accomplished. What was the goal there?

Was it to get your son to play more, or change strategies when he gets the ball, or what?

B/c It sounds as if your son played badly, and yet your w expected him to play more...so maybe your son was embarrassed on several levels having nothing to do with HER directly. Yet he took it out on her....hmm.

WHAT IF YOU & YOUR W WERE "TEAMMATES" SUPPORTING YOUR SON?

I put it in caps b/c I really want you to consider thinking like that for a bit...

and no, I don't mean to unite to argue with the coach.

We've never said anything to the coach except to ask if she's goofing off or showing a bad attitude, or to ask him how WE can better support HIS efforts at home, e.g. working on free throws, since we have a basketball hoop in the yard, etc.

He responds well to that, and she tends to play more when we ask, and perhaps more importantly, she plays better and feels our support and our unity, with her.

I know you so don't want to be part of the problem with the team, just part of the solution. (I'm 100% positive our d's coach does not enjoy losing.)

MAYBE asking about a solution and then working towards one, with the coach (AND your wife!!)

could create & demonstrate problem solving skills and conflict resolution skills you have not shown together, before.

Of course the "game" of basketball is not really what we want to talk about and it's not really THE Topic. But there are lessons in this, aren't there? And opportunities for change. And it's kind of a safer topic than the m itself...

So, perhaps you can give that some thought.

Back to earth....

FYI, we all fall on this path. We ALL fall down. People think I did DBing for 2-3 years. I didn't.

The first year I blundered and blustered and fumed and continually asked "WHY??? and "HOW CAN HE DO THIS???"

I cannot stand to go back and read my old posts b/c that annoys me so much now. SO that year doesn't count as DBing in my book.

The question of "WHY?" and "HOW CAN HE??" will not ever contain a "good" answer.

My DB coach also said questions that begin this ^^ way, are designed to make the recipient feel defensive. Boy was she right. I NEVER got a "good" answer from h, just anger or him fleeing faster.

Unless your wife has a benign brain tumor that explains all her choices and she gets cured and recovers and everything is perfect from now on, the only answers you MIGHT get, are painful.

Just work on you and your life and create a better future. The past has passed.

AND Keep on keeping on, on this marathon. Last night you stumbled on a hurdle but made it past some, too. Live and learn.

((( )))