Inside my chrysalis 10

[Maybell]

After reading About Maybell's night, I can't help but ponder when that conversation will go down for me. I fear it'll go down similarly and I want to have half as much grace and strength to navigate it as she does. Therefore, ONWARD!

Ss, I want to clarify something here for you.

I do NOT want to be divorced. I do NOT want to be divorced from the man I'm currently married to.

But I DO want a marriage that is rich, collaborative, close, committed, and happy. That supports both of us and also my children.

My conversation with my STBX last night made it very clear that that is not possible with him. Also that it won't be possible with him for years, or maybe ever. It's not possible partly because he isn't capable of giving it and partly because I can no longer trust him to want to be the sort of person who is like that in a relationship. He made choices he hasn't fully owned (the one night stands) and although he "doesn't want to be that guy," he has no idea who he DOES want to be or how to get there.

I strongly believe that I deserve the kind of relationship I've always wanted, and that I am capable of doing my part to make that kind of relationship happen, if I have a willing and able partner. I wish my STBX were that guy. He's not.

So divorce is sad, but right. It's hard, but it's right. I don't want it, but it's right. Last night wasn't about him telling me that he was going to divorce me. It was about us talking through what had happened, where things stand, and agreeing that it was the next step on our path because we can't meet in a relationship that makes us both safe and happy.

I decided to go have that conversation (rather than asking for it in an email) because that's the kind of person I want to be in all my relationships. Someone who can be honest, face hard stuff, and set the tone for a good go-forward relationship (or the respectful end to one). If I end up with the sort of relationship with Mr. Fantastic that Betsey has with Mr. Wonderful, then I'll know I did the best I could.

I do love him and I will always know him. That's pretty much of a win. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to see him grow into the sort of person I always thought he was. But you also had a front row seat to what a struggle it's been to get to this place. This hasn't been about grace. Mostly it's been about keeping moving forward, learning about my boundaries and how to enforce them, and praying and praying and praying for clarity. I would say there's been precious little grace getting to this point.

I was very fortunate that I was able to have the sort of conversation and closure that i got last night. I hope you get that too, regardless of the outcome. Even if you don't, though, I hope you will keep an eye on the land beyond the lighthouse. Some of your thinking about that land should be about who you want to be in your relationships -- and then BE that person in all of them, even when it's hard. It really isn't so much about what HE does as who YOU are. If you can practice doing that, then whether your separation ends in reconciliation or divorce, you will have the peace of knowing you did the best you could.

THAT's how long you keep that relationship in the box on the shelf.