S, here's my take. First let me say that there are no hard and fast rules. Each person, each situation, each personality is different.
The common consensus, though, is this. You will know, without a doubt, when he is looking towards reconnecting. And the truth is that storing your marriage safely away, for me, means that you will always remember the old marriage. But it will never be that marriage again. And truthfully, you wouldnt want it to be.
When you pursue, you are telling them that you dont hear them. You are saying, I know what you said, but, it doesnt matter what you want, what matters is what I want. They need to feel heard. That honors the marriage.
When they feel like they are not being heard, it frustrates them. You dont have to like it, but, you do have to respect how he feels at this time.
They have to see that the changes are real. They have to see they are consistent over time. They have to see that once you are not in their life and they are still not happy, that it wasnt you.
Thats not to say you didnt contribute to problems in your marriage, because we all have. But in order for them to gain perspective, they have to follow their path.
I know it all seems like a game. But the truth is that dbing is a way to live your life. It could save you and sometimes it saves marriages. I believe it gives the best chance of that.
He cant move forward while looking over his shoulder at you. You cant move forward while looking at him.
It really is best to let this play out. It's best to figure out you. Find you and your worth.
Then if he looks towards you, you can decide what you want from a position of strength.
I wouldnt worry right now about when you should say something. You are far away from any of that.
He has to see you moving forward...and you need to be. That doesnt mean moving on or giving up. It means living your life for you.
I think I need to print this out and remind myself of it every day until I get back to the good place I was at over the summer.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
