Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #5

[HPoirot]

More excellent wisdom from the Denver_2010 thread...

THE TEMPTATION IN THE FACE OF COMPLETE REJECTION

It is that bargaining process between who you are. YOUR character. VS the EGO or self preservation.

Someone is doing things to you... so naturally you blame them and ask yourself why would I do this for them?

The tempatation is to leave the process...to leave your decision to stand. To leave or try to control your spouse. To attach outcomes to your decision to stand.

This is the step I was missing!

IMO standing is an essential part of the healing process of the LBS. You will constantly questions this throughout. At least I have up to this point.

You will ask yourself questions like "WTF am I doing this for this person?"

In the beginning we want answers.

Why did this happen?

How could they do this?
Who am I?
What do I believe in?
What do my vows mean to me?
Why do I hurt?

And the BIG ONE...

What is it about ME that made them leave?

IMO you don't get answers unless you choose to take the hard road, STAND, and go on the journey.

At first you tend to look at it as a quid pro quo- I am willing to do this for a while until I see some progress. IOW you do it EXPECTING some outcome ...

As time goes on and your expectations aren't met you question again...

It is all part to of the journey. You may even have trouble articulating why you are doing this to other people or yourself.

Then you start to look inside....

Then you start to see who YOU are...

Then you realize that this is part of YOU

What you have chosen is part of YOU and your character. So what began out of a search for answers for why and what is wrong with you. Out of hurt for what someone did to you...

You see it all has to do with who YOU are. The best part of who YOU are and then...

It is no longer about what THEY choose or why.

It is about YOU.

I have been trying to figure out what is the source of
my wanting to escape,
my anxiousness,
my dread
my fear.

And it is the WHAT IF?

the conditions I place on my life.

What IF W doesn't come back THEN?
What IF I stand and W doesn't want M THEN?
What IF I make this decision THEN What?

If I place conditions/exceptions to my life then I compromise my life.

When I took my vows did I mean: I will love you all the days of my life, BUT if you get so scared and lose your way then I won't?

It's those damn BUTs! I am stuck because of BUTs

I am paralyzed because of BUTs.

I know what I need to kill now.

When I get up with fear and anxiousness it's because of the fear of what may happen. I want to escape from that fear. The self doubt that creates it.

If you walk out into the world everyday with your truth then there is only...

What was (and you have learned from it)
What is (Your truth)
What is to come (through living your truth)

There is no regret.

No second guessing.

No doubt.

The only way to fail is to fail yourself.

Several of us, myself included, are moving through this journey and have encountered what I believe is a major sign post.

An essential step.

An understanding.

An awakening of sorts.

I am referring to that moment when one reconciles the dilemna of STANDING.

I have written already about the fact that as we begin this journey we decide to STAND.

We STAND because of what I will call BASE factors

We want our M back

We want our spouse to want us back

We want our spouse to see us as the more desirable option

We want to ease our own pain

We want our own self esteem back

We (may) want to punish spouse by appearing to be morally superior

We want ________ because we get _________ in return.

We STAND on these principles.

We communicate these principles and inevitably we meet with question and resistance.

From family, friends and

from ourselves.

Because it is hard for most people to imagine themselves making this decision.

It is a sacrifice of sorts at this stage.

We are looked on as victims of bad behavior, incongruent behavior to REAL LOVE.

So in that light we begin to feel like victims or that we are being taken advantage of in a sense and are perceived as such by the world. A DOORMAT if you will.

As time goes on and those who care about us begin to be more concerned about our mental and emotional health and question more emphatically why we choose to be a DOORMAT.

Or how long will you be a DOORMAT.

Then you begin to doubt yourself and your decision and the focus goes back to your beloved and now you look on them not with eyes of a scourned lover, a left behind, abandoned spouse, but with real scrutiny.

We begin to question why we would SACRIFICE our own happiness and endure such hardship to regain the love of a person who so obviously is not capable of the same for us or even anyone else.

It is then that the MIRACLE happens.

Through all the pain and seemingly fallow soil a sprout

of green punches through...

This growth is something new and it

is OURS, we planted it, we sowed it

For it is certain our seed was trampled upon many times before

it took root.

But it did take root and

it grows, upwardly reaching, toward the light.

The miracle is the love for yourself.

You are no longer the choices your spouse makes

You are no longer whether your M reconciles or not

You are no longer the failures you see in yourself

You are no longer a victim because only YOU can choose to be one.

Then you a FREE

Free to make the choice to STAND for YOURSELF.

This I believe can only be achieved through the decision to STAND in the first place.

Only through that decision can we experience the pain involved to know completely what it means to be free.

What is means to love.

What I am speaking of really is love.

This is a choice.

As we move through this journey it is a process of self discovery. The LBS starts out with a lot of hurt and pain and self doubt.

I have already written about this transition from standing out of wanting answers and pain- to doing it as a choice for you.

To get to this point you must have detached completely and also to get here some may decide to go black as you have suggested Time.

I did have to do that for a time.

The choice to love is really to put yourself at risk and we have suffered the greatest pain of that risk in the betrayal that was returned.

When I speak of the light going on and off I mean that those are the conditions. ANY conditions. ANY behaviors that we have let play out from our own fears and weaknesses. These are the things we find in OURSELVES that we want to change. That we MUST change to be who we want to be.

Who we want to be is the LIGHT I speak of. It must be constant and it must be consistent. It cannot be contingent on some suffering that cannot be endured. It cannot be contingent on some action or non-action of your spouse.

To love (as we know it) is to suffer until you see what love is. This is so much part of who I am that it cannot be separated.

Love is the absence of suffering. But that absence of suffering comes from your OWN choice not because:

your spouse decided to come back
or decided to be nice to you
Or wasn't mean to you
Or agreed with you
or stopped seeing OP
or ANY F@CKING THING.

It is YOUR choice

That is the light that shines.

That is the miracle of which I speak

If you can get to THAT place then you see that your spouse is on their journey and you love them enough to be committed to their growth.

That growth means you step out of the way. You completely let go with love.

If they call you.

Why would you not answer that call?

Only if you still suffer. If you suffer then you are not there yet.

My W will continue to suffer and be in pain. I will no longer be part of that. I choose rather to be part of the solution.

For me that means love of the most extraordinary variety.

For me that means to be the man I am now becoming.