I think I'm done

[mustardseed]

Thanks.
What is good in my life right now?
I am down to my high school weight and aside from a few more wrinkles on my face I am looking pretty good when I'm not pathetic lol.

I have my dream job. It is a bit of a bumpy start but I have a great support system and this week some schedule changes were made that makes my days so much more consistent and I feel like I can actually plan a decent program now.

I am making a real liveable salary now. I just have to get some of my spending under control. I went a little crazy over the vacation--making up for 14 years of never spending money on me.

My kids are amazing. They are so sweet, and I know they are struggling with the changes. I need to keep my focus on them and start reacting to situations in a way that they would be proud, rather than the pathetic way I have been handling things these past few months.

He's still here. I don't know if that is a good thing or not. It makes me crazy because it makes me hopeful. It makes me crazy because he knows how to play me. It makes me crazy because he is being super dad and I wish that he could have been that way with me in the picture--so we could have had those family moments I always wanted. It is also a turn on which makes going to bed alone so much harder.

What is the lighthouse revealing to me?

I am having a lot of trouble seeing it. I think there is too much fear right now, I'm afraid to look around and see. I keep reading your quote over and over again.

"All will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well."
I'm just not really good at not knowing. I have to accept that I just can't know everything.

I'm hoping I can get to the city to see my aunt this weekend.