At some point, though, the cost will be too high, my friend.
I have great hope that you will know when that is.
i hope so too. I think i will. maybe that time is when we are called upon to give up something tooooo important to us to have what we do - then we chuck it. did that make sense? at this very moment- he is asking me to give up nothing at all. he is only providing me with my home & sustenance. more than i could provide self. if i should be more suspicious - i can't think what could possibly go wrong that hasn't now. value of getting to bottom??? it's all uphill from here?
I've felt that the threat of my entire life being "taken away" has been going on sooooo long- it doesn't hold the same fear. i can enjoyu this day without one thought about what may come tomorrow. I will cope with it. foolish or not - it's true. I can even value today more because of thinking it all could be gone tomorrow - savour "the end". whatever it is i've got, this minute i'm okay.
with mom gone & allll that worry & responsibility. and h somewhat stablized and not so critical and picking - i do feel alot more normal on a daily basis. i feel alot more free and like old self- i'm not asking any questions rite now- i'm just enjoying this sudden feeling of "normalcy".
if he wants to have his life as it is - which i have no power to change anyway - and is providing me this (today) happy little life - i'll take it.
that's as far as my brain can get. i know what you are saying bout the whole "deserve" thing. i know what i don't deserve when it happens. as far as what we all "deserve" in life in general- i'm not so sure. we all want everything wonderful- we all sure don't get it.
i hope we all deserve to feel happy. i am not sure- some people really aren't - ever. it's all too complicated.
i am a happy girl today - and it's been so rare last bunch of years to feel this- i am going to go savour it and take a walk & get a fresh bagel & enjoy this day. ta da my needs are small.
xxoo man- you may be the only person in the universe that has faith in me . it's nice & thanks.
