you know, i don't mean to be bossy or preachie - i'm jsut tryin to convey that someday in the future , (i believe) you'll probably get to a point of feelin less awful - it just begins to happen on it's own, even after soooo long and so much pain in beginning (years) for me anyway. I just know that all of a sudden i'm feeling waay less emotionally "involved" in what h is doing - (tho i know & hate when he's with ow - now it seems a bit "outside" of me - and i'm surprised even that it doesn't send me into the sort of tailspin like olden times. it's approaching 4 yr since i found out. feels like 50.
(i do reserve the right to be a screaming whining mess tomorrow should something new arise - i am not claiming total "victory" (YET)...I'M Just sayin - this minute it's new and i appreciate it.
your son that's staying with H is probably just adapting best he can to where he finds himself. no one ever ever ever is as good as or as important as "the mom". he's there tho, and has to cope with it &keep peace in his own little life. you're very lucky to have your kids. (probably my bigest poor move in life - no kids - well, non-move). oh well -
back at your stage (for me) i just "kept busy" and tried not to think. just move move move - keep breathin - sheesh. i shudder to think back. if you're alive and here- you're doing great. i'm not kidding
oh geeez - look - i'm even eating fudge with my cofee- how decadent and gross - i am a free girl this morning. I tried beginning to read eat , love pray- but couldn't get going. I do adore italy tho- that's another fantasy altogether - spent a few months kicking around back in my youth once - italian men and red-haired women. very interesting to be so "pursued" when back in america my sister was always the beautiful one that everyone wanted. it got old tho after awhile. who would ever think? a little life lesson about thinking other person has something you want. nothing is what it seems out there. fun tho for a bit...
Everyone i know that is beautiful has a bunch of "issues" about their self-worth because of it people only want them for face) . life is so wierd- you'd think being beautiful or rich or brilliant would be the "cure" rather than the problems in life. not so much, it seems to me.
i'm probably wacky here- but i'm just kinda smart, kinda okay looking, kinda thin, kinda t his and kinda that- it's alright. i'm good with me - ms moderate. big big emotions make me nervous. my h is "stinkin brilliant" - ha, what a mess emotionally tho.
i don't know what either of us are doing (really) "about" this r - but don't care just now. it's very nice . i am not sure what exactly is going on- but it is better than dreading everything or worrying. my mom passed away -I made it thru the holidays - no attacks from sisters (well, the 2 that have big issues with me) - a tiny success...
i do actually feel like my "new life" is beginning - but it's more in my head than anything anyone can see - even me. a feeling. i just feel differently- all on it's own - and i even wonder what i'll do next. i think H/people were/are trying to change me in response to THEIR problems. (geeee could it be because everyone alive i know wants to BLAME ME FOR THEIR crappola??? I am a very (maybe willing) doormat - i'm workin on being more forceful butstilln ice & caring. i'm not buying it - i'm more patient (good) and less verbal (good) but i'm me still. i have to fight feeling suspicious now tho, the old "been burned".
my expectations of others are at an all-time low- good or bad, idk. part of this process? (as in "trust the process?" idk - hey- maybe i'm just realizing that if no expectations - no disappointments - and it's become incorporated in who i am NOW. (oh boy - is "new me" emerging slowly. (like a big fat catapiller from a big fat cacooooon? ) hey - I think i need to make a collage of that- big lumpy hairy wormie body with my face on it -ha)wait- isn't that before the butterfly? science? not my strong point.
i do wonder if h packs it in for good with me - will i go thru all that again? i don't think i could ever be as surprised and miserable as i was - i've become more accustomed to the notion of being on my own and i'll endure whatever happens and get thru it. i feel loosely optimistic, yet apathetic about the future - (oh yeah- - whoever said whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger sure knew what they were talking about). that's exactly how it feels.
Quote:
I left NZ to heal, to rebuild myself with solid foundations, to find out who I am and what I want. I hope I will return next year a stronger, more confident and focused person
you're sure puttin some pressure on self to figure allll that out - and all in a year... I know we're supposed to have a plan - not my strong point ... do you see NZ as your "home" and where you'd ultimately like to "settle". or do you see uk as your "home" and where you would like to settle in life - just curious. about "rebuild self" ? are you a totally bombed out building or still standing. i think now in terms more of uncovering our old self - shake off the dust - see what's good (probably most of who you are/were - and tweak a few bits. did that make sense?
I guess what i really have here - maybe this is what i've "discovered" about me and who i am, etc. (it's a humble discovery tho- no fireworks) - is that no matter what happens -i'll cope. if feeling all this didn't kill me- i don't think anything will. I look around me at my mom & sisters and even the jerks carry on - find jobs - stay alive - etc. all around us - women, friends we'd never ever suspect - do it, rise above it- there are soooooo many heroic women (and men) out there in their little chunks of the universe. that's the value of sharing our story w/others - they tell us and we get to be amazed and fortified by alllll the quiet little victorious life stories allll around us - everywhere.
i'm soo jealous. your village sounds wonderful - i'm thinking doc martin mixed up with the beach in ballykissangel and clovelly. so wow - nice place to be.
walkin really helps me - get out- move - & keep movin. i've been "movin" like crazy since my sister died - i find it hard to concentrate and focus now and be still - that the big big "emergencies" are over (well, still 2 houses to empty and sell, etc.) (minefield of sisters ) but that seems waaay less important compared to someone's elses life always in jeopardy.
just clean-up crappola - big job - but not someone's life or death anymore. i just can't get serious about it. Nothing now seems getting hepped over- even my own sitch and "resolution" - time is all of a sudden quietly going on by- it's nice, the lack of outside stress. i think my own life and r and this giant mess is something all of a sudden like a storn "outside" the house. i'm wierdly peaceful feeling inside so i'm takin it.
who knows what will come along to set me spinning out of control.
i don't know if it helped or hindered my decision making process - the fact that we each have a house we consider mostly our own to go to. spend alot of time apart- it's both good and bad. like you - i tend to head for "family" in times of trouble. my sisters expressing their hate freaked me out. i hate total detachment from EVERYONE in world - maybe why f still feels like my security blanket. if he'll be it- i still need it for awhile yet.
geeez your brain sounds so like mine- your words & feelings - i sure wish i had some quick-fix wisdom to dispense. i don't - sadly. i still get whipped up sometimes - outraged - so infrequently now tho. i have been away from forum for awhile- it's okay for me to not think about it all. don't think about solution (none quickly) , future, etc. takes the pressure off . (that's what wakes me at nite- my brain demanding i DO something- decide something, etc.) it was makign me quite nuts. i decided not to decide - do as mwd suggests and get my own interests and activities and quit focusing on him and r.
it's hard after a lifetime of worrying about all the other guys in your life first. I like myself well enough and am good company- but that isn't the issue is it? really. like you - he'd pop into my head a million times a day - he's part of your life. the biggest part. that doesn't disappear quickly- someone being incorporated in your life completely for soooo long.
i'm really bad with rejection and indifference. sometimes i chat with him and forget it's the huge mess it is. i don't know what the heck he thinks, probably that we'll do this forever? i'm thinkin that won't work for me. i'm keepin it to myself- ive said i hate it and he knows. - and i'm goin with that.
the job thing is a tough one. i looked really hard in beginning- thinking i'd be on street any minue. I signed up and got certified to substitute teach in schools closeby. anything in that for you??? . that way i can do it when i'm in nj - it's some spare change - and if i needed to be off becuse of my mom - or go to FL and play with the kids - i could. i like the flexibility and being around kids- they're sooo goofie and in a different world than adults. i'm pretty sick of adults and old age and "wise advice" (my own included). i did temp work in law offices - actually liked the constant change of bosses. (*i didn't think i would- but it's quite good, something different & new all the time).
no one pretty much was interested in an ancient (63) legal secretary, tho my fallback (fun) but lousy pay probably) would be to just work in a super market or home depot or something. i'd think it's fun to be around people all day. the substituting is easy as heck and no pressure. i like kids- keep them from getting into trouble and just exist and (try) to keep order.
sorry - got "rambling" and visiting with you here - i'm outta here. have a great day-think of all of us jealous of you walking on a pre tty beach in a pretty town while we're hoofing it in an (okay) busy town. i do like the houses and gardens- would kill to have a nice beach a walk away tho-
