I'd like to share a technical tip for this website, in case anyone else has the same problem I did. Sometimes I like to check DB.com at work, but my desk is easily visible by dozens of people, at any given time. I was very uncomfortable with a website that says "DIVORCE BUSTING", "SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE", etc. in massive letters. You could read it from 100 feet away if you have good eyes. I don't know about you, but I don't want all 200 people I work with knowing that I'm going through a marital crisis.
I found a workaround. Most of those phrases (especially the 'DIVORCE BUSTING" at the top of the page) are images. If you use Mozilla Firefox, you can block images from specific websites. This eliminates all of those phrases from a computer screen that is not always private. Here is how:
- In Firefox, go to divorcebusting.com - Right click somewhere in an empty area of the page - Click "View Page Info" - Click "Media" tab - Click check box next to "Block images from www.divorcebusting.com" - Close window - Refresh screen to ensure it worked
One negative consequence, though, is that it hides all of the buttons next to the text edit window, if you are in Full Screen Reply (hyperlinks, emoticons, bold, italics, etc.).
Thank YOU for this. VERY helpful and I'd never have figured it out. (Especially since I'd never have time to do it at work, and don't need to do that at home...)
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M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I think I need to get NMMNG back onto my radar. It's been a somewhat dormant item on my 180 list for a couple of months, although I have been trying to apply some things I remember.
First, I need to confess a recent Mr. Nice Guy setback, and get feedback from the gallery.
This goes back to something I wrote on Monday. WAW had D2 Sunday night, and D2 was up all night with a cough. It caused WAW to have a late morning with her. She called me in the morning to tell me about the night, and suggested that D2 see a doctor that day. I volunteered to take her. She asked if I could just pick her up from her apartment since she was going to be so late to work. I agreed, assuming I would be able to go directly to the doctor (I usually can with no more than 30 minutes waiting). But I immediately called to schedule an appt and they didn't have an opening until mid-afternoon. I called WAW and told her to just take D2 to school (she didn't have a fever) due to the late appt. But WAW played an old card on me, that I've since learned works on Mr. Nice Guy's: Making it a conflict, getting agitated, making me feel like a jerk. She said, "I'm not going to be at work until 11:00!" I caved and picked up D2. I loved helping D2, but I should not have given in to that. Forget everything about her choosing this living arrangement...it would have only been fair for her to take D2 to school and be late to work, since I was going to the doctor with her later. Instead, I was the one late to work AND I was taking the afternoon off to take her to the doctor. To be clear, I'm not patting myself on the back, I'm hitting myself with a 2x4. It was lame of me to give in to that tactic just to try to be liked (or more accurately, not not liked). That kind of conflict avoidance builds resentment in me and makes her lose respect for me, whether she realizes it or not.
Feedback needed on the following...
What I believe I should have said was, "I'm sorry you had such a rough night with D2. But it is your morning to take D2 to school, and since I am taking the afternoon off to take her to the doctor, I need to get to work ASAP."
Thoughts? I am re-reading NMMNG and this convo popped into my head during Ch. 1. I guess I'm glad I am recognizing my failure, that I'm not out of the woods with MNG syndrome.
I will say that I have been less of a MNG at work. Here are a couple of examples of behavioral changes at work:
NMMNG Work Sitch #1 - Colleague sent out an e-mail to several people with an idea to solve a problem we've been having. I quickly knew why this wouldn't work. That's not to be big-headed...my colleague is brilliant, but he is an electrical guy, and I am mechanical. This was a mechanical situation. And as brilliant as he is when it comes to electronics, we joke that he is not allowed to touch any tools that move In the past, I would have either avoided addressing it at all, letting the colleague waste his time before realizing the futility, or I would have quietly went to someone else above us to inform them and let them do the idea-squashing. Instead, I wrote a professional response that acknowledged the innovative idea but also hashed out why it is not a realistic solution. Before I wrote the e-mail, I thought of one of the suggestions in NMMNG - I can't find the verbatim quote, but it said something like: Try doing something that feels totally out of your comfort zone. You might even end up crossing the line and truly being a jerk in that situation, but do it anyway. Watch what happens and you'll see that it is not as bad as you fear. When my colleague read the e-mail, he was definitely surprised that I spoke out against his idea. He wasn't mad, he just jokingly said, "Thanks, party pooper!" I laughed and just said I think it would have wasted your time, but it was a unique idea. And that was that!
NMMNG Work Sitch #2 - This actually happened yesterday. There is a sales guy, who works at a satellite office, that is notorious for being out of touch with the dynamics of our headquarters, who has what responsibilities, etc. As opposed to learning exactly who needs to address different types of problems, he typically will throw a problem at 10 different people because he knows someone will eventually handle it. Yesterday, he scheduled a conference call with about 8 different people to solve a problem that is really my job, and my job alone. Previously, since I knew that several people on his invite really don't like him, and I knew that they would reject his invite, I probably would have laid back and let them squash the meeting. Instead, I realized that the problem was my responsibility to solve, so I sent a response saying that I didn't believe the rest of the people were needed in the meeting. This may not have been as conflictive as Sitch #1, but it was still a little unnatural for me to write that. I've yet to see what the response to that is, but I don't fear seeing my inbox in the morning.
But I do need to get more serious with eliminating MNG syndrome from my life. After reading Ch. 1 again, I realize I need to find a MNG accountability partner IRL.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Hey Card29, I'm impressed with your insights and changes at work. I think you nailed it with regards to what you should have done. In fact, I'd go further than this. In my sitch, there are little to no schedule changes. It's my week and there's a problem? I handle it. Same for W, most of the time. Take the day off, get a babysitter, etc. We're co-parenting through a schedule, not day-to-day like a married couple. So basically, your mistake in my view was to volunteer at all. That's when you were too nice. On a related note, I never volunteer anything to my WAW: I let her ask and then decide if it suits me.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I have a bit of a quandary to figure out regarding my living situation. A perfect short-term (7 months) apartment opportunity has opened up. A colleague is in Europe until August, and he has offered for me to stay there for a very low rent, like 1/3 of what I would pay anywhere else. It is also in a great spot, and would be a great fit for D2. The only problem is that there are no pets allowed, and WAW and I are sharing two dogs. I really don't even want the dogs anymore - I would have never taken a dog if I knew I was going to be in a yard-less apt, alone with a 2 yr old. I love them but right now I don't have the proper time or energy for them. I've decided that if WAW somehow reconcile, I definitely want to keep them, but if we don't, I will look for new homes for them, UNLESS I find the absolute perfect living arrangement on my own (renting a house with a fenced yard, or something).
In the meantime, I'm trying to figure out if there is a way to make this apt work while keeping the dogs for the time being. I just don't see how it's going to work, though. WAW could keep them at least half of the time, but the other half, they'd have to stay at my mom's house, and I'd have to somehow go there three times a day and walk them. Not feasible.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Sharing a recent thought I had about my processing of the A...Of course I had my bad moments like anyone would, but I was fairly comfortable with everything (not okay with what she did, just not out-of-my-mind angry or upset) much quicker than I ever would have dreamed. I think it's because of how deeply the S and impending D affected me. To me, leaving a M without a really good reason (physical/emotional abuse, substance abuse, etc.) felt just about as bad as having an A during the M. It's hard for me to differentiate. Either way, they are deciding that you are inadequate for them and they want someone else, whether it's a specific someone in the moment, or a theoretical someone in the future. So I had already processed a lot of the emotions and pain of the A even though I didn't think she was having an A. In some ways it was even a relief because everything suddenly made so much sense.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Mozza, I am a sucker for a sick D2. I am stern with her when I need to be, but I do love to nurture her when she needs it. I think you have a very fair point, though. I only need to get involved with D2 during WAW's time if she really, truly needs my help, not just because WAW is going to be inconvenienced.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I have found myself suddenly swelling with stressful thoughts, so I want to get them out on paper so that I can acknowledge them.
- IF WAW wanted to reconcile, would I? Today I don't know
- IF WAW wanted a D, I do think I would need to mourn even more, even if I don't want to stay M to her. Either decision she could make would stress me out, yet I also feel impatient for her to make a decision.
- I really want to live in my friend's vacant apt, especially for that rent, but I just don't see how it will work with my dogs not being allowed there
- I need to break a MNG tendancy and discuss my parenting boundary with my mom, regarding D2. She has constantly been stepping over into "mom of D2" role, and I'm less and less cool with it. Her bedroom is right next to D2's. I was using a baby monitor but now I'm having technical difficulties with it. She is supposed to let me know if D2 wakes up, but I've learned recently that D2 has been waking up a couple of times a night and mom hasn't told me about any of them. She scoops her and takes care of her. She is also spoiling the heck out of her. She buys her new things almost everyday. She gives her stickers (supposed to be her reward for attempting the potty) constantly. She gives her anything she ever asks for, even when D2 is fussing and asking for a million things. She is never, ever firm with D2 when it comes to rules or boundaries. I guess she's playing the "spoil your grandchildren" card, but that is only tolerable if you see them once a month, or something. It does not work if your gchild lives with you.
- Speaking of the dogs, right now they are a tremendous amount more work than they are worth at the moment. Plus, I don't feel like I'm giving them the attention or exercise they need, so I feel bad about that. I would just start looking for new homes for them, but they're part WAW's, and she was shook up when I hinted that I didn't want them. I'm trying not to stress her out right now, to let her process her emotions, so for now I guess I need to deal with them as I have been.
- S's friend...I'm not smitten with her anymore, but I find myself resisting letting go of her for the time being, just because she is such a good match "on paper". We are supposed to go skiing (as friends, with a group) at some point in the next couple of weeks. I know in my brain, and now increasingly more in my heart, that we are not ready for each other (or anyone else) right now. 25yearsmlc's suggestion off off limits for all of 2015 makes me shudder, though. Really, a whole extra year, even after being S since July, and digging into myself that entire time? And that thought makes me wonder if I really do have a compulsive need to be in an R
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
FYI, all of those stresses are mid-level intensity (5 out of 10). But cumulatively, they have me pretty unsettled. Haven't had a chance for Headspace today, yet.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
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In the past, I would have either avoided addressing it at all, letting the colleague waste his time before realizing the futility, or I would have quietly went to someone else above us to inform them and let them do the idea-squashing. Instead, I wrote a professional response that acknowledged the innovative idea but also hashed out why it is not a realistic solution. Before I wrote the e-mail, I thought of one of the suggestions in NMMNG - I can't find the verbatim quote, but it said something like: 
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