hi everyone im 10mths into a very messy long winded saga and literally going crazy. iv'e read about a lot of other peoples stories on this forum and others but as you all know there is a pattern to affairs and divorces etc but every situation is unique and i would be very grateful for some fresh, independent advice. as the situation is nearly a year old, there is a lot that's gone on so i will try to give as much info as possible and try to keep it as short as i can. ive been in a relationship with one of the loveliest girls you could ever wish to meet for 18 years in total and married for 7 of those years, we have 2 lovely children, a girl 14 and a boy 11 who is autistic. 2 years ago we purchased a plot of land to build 3 houses, one for us and one each for the brother in law and mother in law, im a builder, sept 2013 i give up my job to start the first house and everything is running smoothly but over christmas i notice a change in w, she seems distant and i was sure she was avoiding me, 14 feb 2014 she says we have grown apart and she loves me but not as she should, reals off a few of my faults (all true, ive neglected her for years looking back )and suggests a break. in the 6 days that follow i try talking but shes shut down and says she doesnt know what she wants. then the 7th day i get a visitor to the site, she has a phone in her hand and shes telling me that w is having sex with her boyfriend, i should point out that i am 39, w is 36, the interloper is 24 and works with w. she shows me some texts which support the accusations and informs me that w has been leaving work at 3am to give the interloper a lift to work as he's to dumb and lazy to paddle his own canoe (he can't drive) for the past 14mths ! i did not know any of this ! i come home to confront w who denies it at first but then breaks down in tears saying she has "feelings" for him and that she slept with him the day after she told me she wanted a break, i asked her to leave and she went to stay at her mums who lives opposite us. after 4 days i ask her to come over to talk, she said she had stopped contact with interloper but she seemed angry towards me, we agreed she would stay at her mothers while we tried to work things out. in the coming months she was coming to visit but seemed reluctant, she insisted she was not in contact with om other than work ( their shifts cross by 3 hours twice a week )but i had a gut feeling something wernt right. i asked her was it ok to see other people to test the water with her, she said yes and we agreed if either of us meet someone we would tell the other one out of respect, i didnt want to meet anyone at all but i thought it might wake her up a little if i did. in may i met a girl and informed w who took it quite badly, she started coming over attacking me physically and verbally, she the went on holiday with her mum and our children for a week during which she called and messaged me the whole time, when they arrived home she came over saying how she cant be without me and could she move back in and try again, its now june. i asked her was it just the one time and she swore it was, i agreed to her moving back in and broke all ties with the other girl. a week later and the om gf is knocking on my door at 6am with her phone again, i ask w if she wants to tell me anything as i would rather she tells me, she sys no, nothing at all. i go outside and see the phone and its obvious that the affair never stopped, in the coming weeks theres lots of fighting and arguing and w decides she is going to move out and rent a house on her own. from sept 2014 until now its been more hell, ive been insisting that the om has been going to her house and shes been denying it, she has been visiting me on a daily basis and looks a mess, like shes got lots going on in her head and asking do i think we will ever get back together, blowing hot and cold, ive even argued with her mother ( who has been 100% behind me the whole time )over it. 4 weeks ago i decided to see for myself and waited around the corner of her house, i was there all of 10mins when guess who walked up the street and let himself in, he was there about 10 mins before leaving, w then drove down her mums closely followed by me ( she didnt know this) i walked in about 5 mins after her and there was a house full there, i confronted her in front of everyone, didnt give her a chance ! i said the time he went in, time he came out, what he wore, the lot, she was stunned !! she followed me home trying to explain but id seen enough. she had to take my little boy to his school play that evening with her mother, when they got home she come straight over in tears saying it was all over, she couldn't do the lying and sneaking around anymore and he she had told him she loved me and wanted to be with her family, he had gone mad, went to see her and thats how he was there. she said he had threatend to come and see me, after all the lies she expected me to believe that the only time i go and check up on her was the day she was breaking it off with om ? as she is telling me what i think is another lie theres a knock on my door, she starts crying saying its him and will i go and see him, she looks almost scared, i ask her who hes come to see and she says her, i tell her to go and see him and she says no she doesnt want to , then her mother comes over and she is shouting at om to go away ( im slowly reaching boiling point now but try to remain calm, if i go out there its only going to go one way and my children are across the road in her mums ) w goes out to see him, comes back in and then leaves, thats the last i see of her for 6 days, she spends christmas with the children and i and insists its all over (im not so sure) shes moving back to her mums in 2 weeks. during this whole ordeal she comes to my house on a daily basis, sometimes chatty, sometimes quiet and blowing hot and cold, ive told her id rather not see her as i find it difficult and ive applied for a divorce, she says she cant not see me and she wont sign a divorce, thers been fighting, arguing and abuse from both sides, ive tried being supportive etc but i lose my temper a lot because she wont be honest and ive said some things i regret. everyone agrees its totally out of character for her to do something like this and 10mths ago i would agree, but at the moment i feel like i dont know her and cannot trust anything she says, she gives mixed signals but i do worry about her a lot, ive been saying for mths shes not ok but she wont open up at all, i tell her if she wants him just do it but dont lie about it. our family has been torn apart by it all, its one massive mess and getting worse by the day, i love w very much and can fully see my own faults over the years, ive applied for the divorce with a view that if things improve i can stop it but if she doesnt want to stop seeing om we can all get on with our lives, ive done lots of things wrong in the last 10mths because ive been confused and probably pushed her closer to om, the sad part is its never going to work out with om and everyone can see it, but i want her to realise this for herself and not feel forced into trying to repair our relationship otherwise she wont be commited and that wont work either. i do worry to that if we did reconcile because om lives close by it might be to much of a temptation, even if she isnt tempted i would always worry and probably accuse her anyway. is there a way out, or are we doomed ? i hope it all makes sense, theres loads i could add but thats the basic situation,any opinions or advice would be very much appreciated. thanks in advance and apologies for the spelling
The above post is unreadable will try to edit to be able to read
hi everyone im 10mths into a very messy long winded saga and literally going crazy. iv'e read about a lot of other peoples stories on this forum and others but as you all know there is a pattern to affairs and divorces etc but every situation is unique and i would be very grateful for some fresh, independent advice.
as the situation is nearly a year old, there is a lot that's gone on so i will try to give as much info as possible and try to keep it as short as i can.
ive been in a relationship with one of the loveliest girls you could ever wish to meet for 18 years in total and married for 7 of those years, we have 2 lovely children, a girl 14 and a boy 11 who is autistic.
2 years ago we purchased a plot of land to build 3 houses, one for us and one each for the brother in law and mother in law, im a builder, sept 2013 i give up my job to start the first house and everything is running smoothly but over christmas i notice a change in w, she seems distant and
i was sure she was avoiding me, 14 feb 2014 she says we have grown apart and she loves me but not as she should, reals off a few of my faults (all true, ive neglected her for years looking back )and suggests a break. in the 6 days that follow i try talking but shes shut down and says she doesnt know what she wants.
then the 7th day i get a visitor to the site, she has a phone in her hand and shes telling me that w is having sex with her boyfriend, i should point out that i am 39, w is[color:] [/color] 36, the interloper is 24 and works with w. she shows me some texts which support the accusations and informs me that w has been leaving work at 3am to give the interloper a lift to work as he's to dumb and lazy to paddle his own canoe (he can't drive) for the past 14mths !
i did not know any of this ! i come home to confront w who denies it at first but then breaks down in tears saying she has "feelings" for him and that she slept with him the day after she told me she wanted a break, i asked her to leave and she went to stay at her mums who lives opposite us. after 4 days i ask her to come over to talk, she said she had stopped contact with interloper but she seemed angry towards me, we agreed she would stay at her mothers while we tried to work things out. in the coming months she was coming to visit but seemed reluctant, she insisted she was not in contact with om othe[color:] [/color]r than work ( their shifts cross by 3 hours twice a week )but i had a gut feeling something wernt right.
i asked her was it ok to see other people to test the water with her, she said yes and we agreed if either of us meet someone we would tell the other one out of respect, i didnt want to meet anyone at all but i thought it might wake her up a little if i did.
in may i met a girl and informed w who took it quite badly, she started coming over attacking me physically and verbally, she the went on holiday with her mum and our children for a week during which she called and messaged me the whole time, when they arrived home she came over saying how she cant be without me and could she move back in and try again, its now june.
i asked her was it just the one time and she swore it was, i agreed to her moving back in and broke all ties with the other girl. a week later and the om gf is knocking on my door at 6am with her phone again, i ask w if she wants to tell me anything as i would rather she tells me, she sys no, nothing at all.
i go outside and see the phone and its obvious that the affair never stopped, in the coming weeks theres lots of fighting and arguing and w decides she is going to move out and rent a house on her own.
from sept 2014 until now its been more hell, ive been insisting that the om has been going to her house and shes been denying it, she has been visiting me on a daily basis and looks a mess, like shes got lots going on in her head and asking do i think we will ever get back together, blowing hot and cold, ive even argued with her mother ( who has been 100% behind me the whole time )over it.
4 weeks ago i decided to see for myself and waited around the corner of her house, i was there all of 10mins when guess who walked up the street and let himself in, he was there about 10 mins before leaving, w then drove down her mums closely followed by me ( she didnt know this) i walked in about 5 mins after her and there was a house full there, i confronted her in front of everyone, didnt give her a chance !
i said the time he went in, time he came out, what he wore, the lot, she was stunned !!
she followed me home trying to explain but id seen enough. she had to take my little boy to his school play that evening with her mother, when they got home she come straight over in tears saying it was all over, she couldn't do the lying and sneaking around anymore and he she had told him she loved me and wanted to be with her family, he had gone mad, went to see her and thats how he was there.
she said he had threatend to come and see me, after all the lies she expected me to believe that the only time i go and check up on her was the day she was breaking it off with om ?
as she is telling me what i think is another lie theres a knock on my door, she starts crying saying its him and will i go and see him, she looks almost scared, i ask her who hes come to see and she says her, i tell her to go and see him and she says no she doesnt want to , then her mother comes over and she is shouting at om to go away ( im slowly reaching boiling point now but try to remain calm, if i go out there its only going to go one way and my children are across the road in her mums ) w goes out to see him, comes back in and then leaves, thats the last i see of her for 6 days, she spends christmas with the children and i and insists its all over (im not so sure) shes moving back to her mums in 2 weeks.
during this whole ordeal she comes to my house on a daily basis, sometimes chatty, sometimes quiet and blowing hot and cold, ive told her id rather not see her as i find it difficult and ive applied for a divorce, she says she cant not see me and she wont sign a divorce, thers been fighting, arguing and abuse from both sides, ive tried being supportive etc but i lose my temper a lot because she wont be honest and ive said some things i regret.
everyone agrees its totally out of character for her to do something like this and 10mths ago i would agree, but at the moment i feel like i dont know her and cannot trust anything she says, she gives mixed signals but i do worry about her a lot, ive been saying for mths shes not ok but she wont open up at all,
i tell her if she wants him just do it but dont lie about it. our family has been torn apart by it all, its one massive mess and getting worse by the day, i love w very much and can fully see my own faults over the years, ive applied for the divorce with a view that if things improve i can stop it but if she doesnt want to stop seeing om we can all get on with our lives,
ive done lots of things wrong in the last 10mths because ive been confused and probably pushed her closer to om, the sad part is its never going to work out with om and everyone can see it, but i want her to realise this for herself and not feel forced into trying to repair our relationship otherwise she wont be commited and that wont work either.
i do worry to that if we did reconcile because om lives close by it might be to much of a temptation, even if she isnt tempted i would always worry and probably accuse her anyway. is there a way out, or are we doomed ? i hope it all makes sense, theres loads i could add but thats the basic situation,any opinions or advice would be very much appreciated. thanks in advance and apologies for the spelling
ive done as much as time will permit regarding GAL, ive got the kids 3 nights a week, i go out once a week and play golf twice a week and been to spain on golf holidays twice. she insists she wont agree to a divorce but she wont commit either ( ive not asked her to commit, i want it to be her decision ) im trying my best to detach but because we live close its very difficult, i changed the locks on our home the day she moved in to her new place. she text me today "was i out this evening" but i didnt reply, she then text to say that she was getting herself a key cut, shes said this lots of times but never actually does it. she came over yesterday to drop the kids off and stayed for an hour but didnt speak, just layed on the floor cwtching my dog, i just carried on what i was doing and didnt initiate any conversation, she left without saying goodbye. did i do the right thing or should i say hello next time ? normally if i start a conversation she will interact as if nothing has happened. she says when we talk its surreal because she feels like we haven't talked in years, i enjoy it to but struggle after she leaves wondering where shes going and who shes seeing etc. i get the feeling shes finding it hard to let go of our family, i know my wife like nobody and the om is doing nothing more than feeding her ego and the emotional needs i neglected, he's got no prospects and is an absolute bum, everybody (and i mean everybody) describes him as an immature child, this will play into my hands eventually, i would be more concerned if he was half decent but he is not. its a struggle at the moment to decide to divorce or fight, do i want to be with someone who when the going gets tough cheats ? what if 10 years down the line things get tough again and she does the same ? she could have just left me for neglecting her and i would be the sorriest person in the world with nobody to blame but me. i love my wife more than anything but cheating is a serious character flaw and something which ive always thought is a deal breaker for me. i know this site is called divorce busting and is to help stop divorce, thats why im here, at the moment im 60/40 in favour of trying to reconcile but at the same time i feel im over the worst of the pain so maybe its better to let things go. as you can tell im as mixed up as my wife at the moment and dont know what to do for the best
thanks for taking an interest and hopefully guiding my family in the wright direction
I'm not sure on forgiving yet but I'm not ready get a divorce either, i would like to try and make it work at least but it looks a long road back. A friend text me this morning asking where I was as my car wasn't outside the house, I'm certain it was on w behalf, I was in bed but had left my car over the pub last night.
She text again tonight saying she would be over tommorrow to clean the kids rooms, I left it an hour before texting back "that's fine".
I have got slight concerns about the detaching phase, one of her issues in the past was that We didn't talk enough, I'm worried that if she is texting me and coming to my house and im being just to the point about things and not initiating a conversation she will think I'm just like before, when in reality I love talking to her.
w came over today to clean the kids bedrooms, she watched some daytime tv and chatted like nothing has happened then did some washing.
i stayed a while and made an excuse to go out, she seemed curious as to where i was going, i came home 2 hours later and she wasn't here, 2 mins later she came back over an asked could she clean the bathroom tomoz while i was out, i said id rather do it myself which seemed to put her out.
during all this time ive noticed patterns in her behaviour, eg, after her night shifts when the interloper is working she has not gone home and slept at her mams instead, normally this happens every month or so and its not long before she says about trying to fix things and looks a bit rough and sounds down when we speak, then she will go dark again for a while, she seems to avoid me, mysteriously looks her best all the time and seems chirpy.
based on this ive come to the conclusion that when shes a mess and visiting me all the time she is having doubts about om and missing her family.
when shes happy, looks nice and avoids me is when shes having doubts about me and is full on with om.
my problem is i dont know how to be with her when shes having doubts about om and i could really use some advice on this.
obviously im still hurt and angry about it all and hopeless at hiding my feelings.
i cant seem to be natural with her knowing she is still seeing om and dont want to ask her if shes with him because she will say shes not, of course i know she will be lying and tell her so, then we argue, then she goes dark and the process starts over again.
at the moment im hoping that om will show his true colours and cut his own throat so to speak (i dont mind helping him ;-)it would be my pleasure)so we can at least try to work on things in peace, but it needs to happen soon.
shes always denied seeing om and only admits to it after being confronted with hard evidence, there are a few ways to look at this, the pros are, she must be having doubts about leaving me or she wouldnt care if i knew or not and she would be moving on.
the cons are she could just be keeping me on standby, this is why its hard to be normal around her, i might think things are going well and she could turn around and say its over, then the hurt will start again and it will prob be worse than before.
just noticed w has done all my ironing and has changed my bed sheets while i was out, thats all we are missing now is cooking and sex lol.... what is she up to ?
