Just thinking I desperately need to make money but more than anything I realized I need to feel like I am running towards something rather than feeling discarded. Does that make sense
You are very right - I don't think its about the money anymore, its become about validation.
I know that I am starting to be obsessed with changing my life 180o. It really dawned on me this morning so I asked myself why - why do I feel the NEED to get to the point where I am living life to the max.
So here is some honesty for you -
- he is out there having this wonderful, fun filled, exciting life. He is having the experience of new love and passion. He is living it and i am missing out - I want it, but I want it better than him. When he has a down period in his life, I want him to look across to me and see this amazing life I have built for myself and have him see what he threw away - someone who is happy, who is living her dreams, someone strong, sexy and beautiful. I want him to see that and feel regret.
It is also about "what if" what if he does come out of this MLC and looks over at me - I am sure that seeing a broken woman in a mess is not appealing - I want him to want me and do anything to get me, as I am worth that, I deserve that. I want to be so absorbed with my own life that if he does want to come back to me then it will be on my terms - not me running straight to him, arms open, saying "of course darling, when can I move in" - which is what it would be right now !!
My brother talked me down yesterday - I applied for a job in a bigger town 30mins away - he asked me how I was going to get there each day as buses are not reliable. I said I would get a car - he pointed out all the costs that went with that and on a minimum wage job I would not be coming out with much at the end of the week so saving will be a struggle so I could kiss goodbye to the travel plan. He reminded me I have only been here 3 weeks and had Christmas and NY in that time. That I have already completed my paperwork list I came with, got in touch with and seen many of my old friends and organised a trip away to see one. Joined a yoga group, started job hunting, off rollerskating tonight, been out some nights - once on my own - I have walked everyday, have been invited skiing in Feb for week, I have babysat, started landscaping my friends' garden, I have thought about my future plans and been proactive all the way.
His point was that I need to slow down - allow the process to happen without force - allow the process of getting over h, allow the process of getting back into the world and life - to all happen without force. He said that I have a roof over my head, no bills to pay and food in the cupboard, I have friends and family to support me - just stop worrying about jobs and money and future plans - no one knows what is around the corner.
I know he is right - it takes a 2x4 periodically. I think boredom has a lot to do with it - I am an active person, always have been, so I am struggling with not having constant things to do.
Right, well off for a walk - maybe the last time I can after rollerskating tonight lol.
Thanks for taking time to read and support, I really do appreciate it. Stay strong - we will make it :o) ((hugs))
