So, I'm preparing for some 2x4's by this post, I'm just frustrated right now. This has been 5 months of these things. We had one weekend, the days after I confronted her about OM that we talked and that was it. She threatened lawyers by that Tuesday and refused to talk to or email me.
I need to keep reminding myself how lost she is right now, I can support that as an adult and can stay focused. However, my patience as a parent is wearing thin. I get exactly what you are saying from a DB approach and I need to stay focused on that in the long run, I haven't tried to talk about her, I, the R, the M, anything but the kids since Oct. and it hasn't gotten any better. Like I said even the MC seems perplexed why she can't talk to me outside counseling (mediation) about the kids.
Yeah, I didn't need to call her, I just knew I'd fume over this all weekend and hoped that I could talk with her after the MC this week was trying to get us to talk independently with each other.
Its part of putting DB aside right now. I understand LRT/NC for our R, but with the kids it feels our communication is so bad and the kids are suffering, they're not getting the continuity of a common approach from both parents. If they were older, I would say its W responsibility to figure out the relationship with the kids, but our kids are too young for that right now.
I guess I can accept the R is pretty much over right now, but this precedent I can't handle with the kids. Its hard to explain, because some of this stuff is acceptable if you read it independently. My concern is its stuff that is a 180 from how 'we' parented our kids before BD. I've been gently trying a bunch of things since Oct. to improve our conversations after we finally started to go to counseling (mediation.) Before that there was absolutely no contact and since then it hasn't been much better.
It's the proverbial rock and hard place. Since we can't communicate, we both manifest the worse out of things that are happening with the other person.
She's threaten to not let me see the kids, courts lawyers, etc. whenever I don't fully agree with something. Initially, I would throw stuff back about the kids that probably didn't matter in the grand scheme of things and I needed to put aside for DB, but if I was looking at this stuff just as a parent, I'd at least ask her what the deal is.
It's tic-tac stuff when you just list it, but its stuff that parents would discuss and try to resolve or at least get a common understanding when its about kids. I've been patient burying this stuff inside me when I talk to her, but its starting to be overwhelming for me. I've learned to STFU on most of it, but it still bothers me. I've let most of this stuff go and moved on, but I'm continuing to see I'm getting angrier about it. For example:
-First and foremost. She left her kids, walked out on them as they stood there'd watched her leave and then disappeared for a week -She wasn't bathing the kids when she had them. (she didn't have a bath tub and didn't want to force them to take a shower) -She took them out of town and did not let me know where she was staying -She wouldn't let me know where she lived -She had OM over every weekend at first. After first weekend of S, D4 came back and told Daycare she didn't like Mr. OM, he looked weird -She's dropped D4 off at daycare in just a nightshirt when its <40 degrees out -She's had D4 out when it was 30 degrees in flip-flops, a skirt and tights -She didn't attend S5 Kindergarten orientation, first day of school, parent teacher conference -She's left town and did not tell me where she was (what if there was an emergency for the kids.) I only knew she left based on our work calendars -She's used intermediate people to drop off and pick up the kids -She has never called to talk with the kids, nor accepted my calls to talk with the kids (I stopped when she said she didn't want me calling her) -She wants a certain schedule, but won't talk to me about any alternatives -Tells me the kids beg her to come home, but says she can't see that ever happening -Bought a house 30 minutes away from their school and daycare, plenty of places around here -Lived in a one bedroom efficiency apartment with no yard or place to play -Had the kids two days a week and still got others to babysit them -We told the kids that W was going to take them out for Halloween, she cancelled at the last minute -We were going to go out together as a family for D4's Birthday, she told me I was uninvited the day before -She decided at the last minute to drive the kids 6 hours to her mom's on Xmas day, instead of letting them stay home and play with their toys -Going up to single digit temps at her moms, didn't have hats or gloves for them (I gave her some) -Only communicates each week about the kids with a one-line email -Said we should send pictures of kids for important things (test results, school stuff, etc.) I've send 15 things over the last 6 weeks, she hasn't sent any nor replied to any I sent -Kids singing vulgar songs that we would never let them sing before. "Well, we sing it at mom's place and she says its okay"
Sorry, I know this sounds like I'm just complaining, because that's what I am doing. But she says she's putting the kids first in everything she does and it sure doesn't feel that way to me. My DB tendency has been to shut up about it. I can just see that this is building up in me and I'm not sure when its going to all come pouring out.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
