Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #5

[HPoirot]

Thank you everyone again for your incredible advice and support. I'm back from the basketball game. I did do quiet dignity and self confidence and showed common courtesy at the game.

Shaved my head... trimmed the beard... ice cold shower... dressed nice.

Got to the game with S12 and my PMA. W was sitting at a table with her GF, the mom of another boy on the team.

Said a really warm hello to them both. W gave me a tense smile. Kept walking with S12 and his teammates to the gym. The boys were having a good time.

Found a seat on the bleachers. There was space next to me. Later heard Ws happy voice maybe a couple rows directly behind me. She sat with her mom friends. No problem.

Another nice mom sat next to me instead and talked pleasantly with me the entire game. That was nice. PMA remained high throughout.

My boy's team lost badly. The better players on the team hounded the ball. My boy had the ball passed to him one time and he bobbled it. He played good defense... but became very frustrated and stopped trying toward the end.

While I was talking with another father... I saw W rush by to get to S12. She was trying to console him but looked really irritated. He walked away from her.

She turned to me and said... "did you get my text."

"What about?"

"No one was passing him the ball!"

(I later saw she had texted me that during the game.)

And then she went on about that. The coach, the husband of her good friend, came up and she complained more to him. I did miss a chance to back her up there.

She collected a visibly sad S12 in an irritated huff and hurried out the gym. I followed. Got to the door, opened it for her and S12. She said thanks, see you boys later, and immediately hurried away into the night.

On our drive home, S12 started to complain about how terrible everything is. Then he sat very quiet and sad. I asked him to talk to me. He said no. I asked him if he wanted to talk to mom. He said no.

I pulled over and texted W... "He's very sad."

That's where I messed up. I should have just got him back to the condo and just talked man to man. IC told me I should tell W when S12 is having an issue b/c she's his mom and, if I tell her later, she'll be screaming why didn't you call me.

A minute later, W calls. I answer. She sounds tense. Not at all friendly. She says she tried to call S12 but no answer (he didn't bring his phone). She tells me to let her speak with him.

I say, "It's your mom."

He takes the phone and hangs up. Says... "I want to be alone."

Second mistake... I do not immediately and clearly tell him to not hang up on his mom.

She immediately calls back. I say... "He wants to be alone."

"I'm his mother! Put him on the phone!"

I give him the phone.

And she lectures him. Talks and talks and talks. At one point, S12 takes the phone from his ear and puts it in his lap. She keeps talking into air in her tense voice. He tries to explain how he's feeling and how he now dislikes basketball but she talks over him.

He says he'd rather be on a winning team than a team where everyone wins.

And she keeps talking.

Then he yells into the phone... "My team [censored]!" and hangs up again.

I talk to comfort him. It's just the first game and the team needs practice. It'll get better.

W calls again. "what happened?"

"He hung up on you."

Big mistake.

She tells me to give him the phone. I do.

And she starts screaming at him.

I take the phone and I calmly say... "W please stop screaming at S12."

She keeps screaming. I repeat myself.

She stops and apologizes in a very tense and still loud voice and says S12 can't hang up on me. I agree. She asks to apologize to S12. I give him the phone.

She starts talking again.

And he starts screaming at her.

"Shut up! Shut up! I can't call you my mom!"

I take the phone and calmly say say "S12's upset... you're upset. Let me get him to the condo to cool down and I'll call you later." I hang up.

We pull up to the condo and she calls again. I answer. She's still loud. Telling me to put S12 on the phone. I calmly repeat again let us get upstairs. Silence... then she hangs up on me.

On the elevator she calls again. I answer. She's calmer. She apologizes again for screaming at S12. That he should stay with me b/c she sees now that he hates her. That he feels that he can say shut up to her now b/c he must've seen me do it a thousand times (I've never said that to her ever but I understand she means I have been quietly angry with her around him.) That the heater is broken at her aunt's house and it's so cold there. (what!?!) She starts to cry. That this was not how this transition was supposed to go. That S12 and I have every right to hate her and be angry with her. That she's sorry again. She asks to please let her speak with S12 to apologize.

I'm really at my end. I stayed calm and strong through the whole thing. I would have never expected her to scream at her son who was already sad about everything.

I give him the phone. It seemed like they had a good talk.

In the condo, S12 brightens. He goes to take a shower. He reads his comics.

I think about W. How she must feel right now.

I text her... "Are you alright?"

After a long bit... "No"

Then after a long bit... "Sorry for yelling. I won't bother you or him tomorrow. Have a good night."

After a long bit I reply... "Good night W."

S12 is out of the shower and in good spirits on his computer. I think about W. I ask him to please say good night to his mom.

He calls on my phone. (His was dead.) She doesn't answer.

He calls again. I hear her answer. He says a nice good night. They talk. A good short talk.

I text her... "He's fine now. Are you better?"

"Yes thanks!" So no she's not.

"OK W. Take care."

"Means a lot to me that he called. Thanks." That was real.

"You're welcome W. Good night."

She doesn't reply.

....

S12 was hurting after the game. In our old life... my W would have warmly encouraged him and loved him and bought him some sour candy. I should have just done that for my boy myself. Lesson learned this time.

Again I wanted show W what was really happening. I sent one text. I knew she would call. I thought she would have warmly encouraged him. I did not expect all this but I made it happen. I showed my W too much disrespect in anger and now like father like son.

My fault.