Jim0987 #9 - Blackholes, cats and overanalysis

[jim0987]

I do need to do a few more positive affirmations definitely and be more disciplined in my daily gratitude list.

I'm not sure why the trust thing bothers me so much, that and the not feeling safe have really got to me though. Generally I'm taking this whole thing pretty personally though.

OM(s) are a symptom. I more bothered by the dishonesty about what was going on in our M in the months/years leading up to BD. The ONSs and OM2 I feel were more frantically looking for something when OM1 initially spurned her (she wanted to 'feel what it's like to be truly loved').

Just before W and I got together she slept with at least one guy in order to try and avoid thinking about me and avoid getting involved with me because she was worried about another workplace relationship (all her words).

I think that's my way of saying its not the PAs that damage my trust in her.

As for stalling, ive not done this at all but equally I didn't chase my W at any point on any of this. Everything with my solicitors has been turned round by me as quickly as is possible for me to do. But because of how that played out she is now waiting on me and us worried she will lose the house she is trying to buy.

[gan]

OK - so if the facts of the matter are you've done everything you can to move the legal stuff forward then that's it. Let it go. You are not (far as I know) Superman, so all you can be expected to do is what you've done. Be at peace with that.

[Vanilla]

- She feels like i'm deliberately stalling and holding things up
you are just not assisting

- She feels like I have all of the control and am 'milking it' to keep her here
- She hates being here as it doesnt feel like its her house
- the last 4 months have been the most miserable of her life
- She cant talk to me about normal stuff, she doesnt have the energy for it as she is 'worn too thin'
- she feels she is stronger than she ever gave herself credit for
- she needs to move out so she can move on from me
her feelings you have no control over them

- D3 is excited by the move and so i need to hurry up 'For D3's sake'
these are W feelings not D3

-she keeps wanting to move back to her home county but is 'doing her bit' by staying local
so nothing to do with her job, OM? Who is she trying to bluff?

- she is getting a lot of pressure about the move from the rest of the chain
So what?

- She feels like i called her a 'money grabbing whore' because i said i need to financial protect myself
that is very interesting, because it's how she thinks of herself. How she feels in her own eyes.

She objected for me 'colouring' her when i said i understand how you feel about XYZ
- She repeatedly implied that i wouldnt hold up my responsibilities towards the kids after she moves. She even said she had looked up the stats for when fathers walk away
irrelevant Jim you know different and so does the rest of the planet. Ignore spew from princess. This was designed to hurt. Nasty spew.

So no idea whether that was good, bad, indifferent or what BUT i think the big thing is that for the most part i didnt get into any of the whys of the relationship breakdown, or say anything accusatory
its ok, but generally you engage too much. I would just STFU and walk away from this spew. It is hurtful and intended to be so. Not productive.

it may have been a bit wet noodle but ultimately i stuck to my i will speak to my solicitor on monday stance.
Jim stop engaging, it's not productive. Same old, same old. There are at least 10 versions of this conversation on your thread. All that is happening is W is embedding her views with every exchange. But we have all said this to you many times.

"W I feel that these conversations are not productive and if you persist in having then then I will go into another room. "

I have said this to my H nearly every day, I will not be spewed at and hurtful things said. It is abuse.

Jim stop engaging with this. You can not talk W out of her feelings and every engagement is confirming and justifying her feelings. The most telling thing here is her view of herself which she is projecting to you as your view of her. She is feeling badly about herself and trying to blame shift to you to make herself feel better. Stop soothing her.
Vanilla

[jim0987]

Hi vanilla,

It might be my blinders but I think this is one of the (very) few occasions where I respectfully disagree with some of what you say. Not least I didn't sooth her much

She was actually talking about her feelings which is new and she tried, with mixed success, to explain her concerns. This is new.

Sure there was some self justification, some bizarro double standards (it hasn't even occurred to her that I will challenge her on primary residency), some general spew/martyrdom and thinly veiled threats but absent anything about OM1 I think it was the closest to open and honest she has been.