I had the night to think about the interaction last night and I feel ok about what happened last night. Mostly I am cautious.
I am pleased he will talk to a coach b/c when I asked a couple months ago, he said no.
However, I cannot just sweep this under the carpet or turn a blind eye.
1) There has to be a change that sticks for this to work and I probably should not have said I want to be with you forever if I am not sure we can be together forever. I need answers from H.
2) I get frustrated with the veiled comments by H. Like: Why should I be angry, H? And where are you staying? And when I ask "what is wrong?" You give me an answer, not "why do you think?
3) I do not want to get dipped...like H is just 'acting' right now and behind my back seeing a lawyer or something. It did not seem to be that way. H is not a slick guy but he is very street smart.
H came home from work to help with DD as usual. He did not reach out to me, but kept it light. As he was leaving we had a short conversation about a home issue and worked out the schedule for the next days. He offered to get my car filled with gas on the his way out. Nice. I will thank him via text tomorrow. He also kissed me on cheek on way out and I hugged him tightly.
I am going to ready my list for the DB Coach.
If anyone has ideas on how what I should ask the coach I am all ears. I will start a list and post Wed for input
Tonight is my meeting with the coach. I have a few things I want to talk to her about which includes my changes and what he should be doing too.
my controlling tendencies and my preference for things being done my way (it's better!) has paid handsomely at work, but it's a behavior that doesn't translate well in other spheres of my life. .
It makes me impatient in general when things aren't as good as I can do or imagine. I am trying to validate I am trying to be inclusive of his family I have tried to be appreciative and thank him
I think my H feels criticized and controlled H says nothing is good enough, I always want more H says I am not nice, not naturally nice Says he gets to make no decisions Everything is about me and what I want H Says he has wasted his life: never wanted to be married or have kids but it was what I wanted
When I ask what he wants I get: ‘to be happy’
H is crypic, passive aggressive, bad memory, bad communicator
We have come so far and I thought I was doing what was agreed back in 2009 but H has: Not taken me on dates No sex If he does need to leave b/c of an argument, he has to assure me he will be back in x min or x hours Not stopped me immediately when I am pushing, making decisions that he does not agree with Doing work on others homes (is this ok for him to GAL)
I have no idea where he is living (at night) I have no idea what he wants...what does he need to be happy? does he want to be married? this roller coaster has to tsp
One of my metaphors about relationships is that life is like cake. The cake is great and fine on its own. A relationship is icing. It adds to the cake. Your H cannot look to you to make him happy.mthatnhas to come from within him. You can add to his happiness. Make sense?
You sound like me. Type A. Lol I was doing everything around our house and I like things in their place. My H felt like I was nagging if I asked him to put dishes he left out away or complained about the house being messy when I got home from work. H liked that I was responsible for most house things yet resented me at the same time. He wasn't steping up to be an equal partner.
It sounds like your H withholds sex as a punishment. That's not healthy. It's important for men to feel like we see them as men and not fall into the habit of treating them like one of the kids.
You can't fix what you don't know. It's great that you are talking to a coach. H. Also needs to talk to someone where he can feel safe disclosing the real issues. The onion needs to be peeled back to get at the core issues and feelings.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
How does this make you feel? What do you say both verbally and with body language?
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
I think my H feels criticized and controlled H says nothing is good enough, I always want more H says I am not nice, not naturally nice Says he gets to make no decisions Everything is about me and what I want H Says he has wasted his life: never wanted to be married or have kids but it was what I wanted
When I ask what he wants I get: ‘to be happy’
H is crypic, passive aggressive, bad memory, bad communicator
I have no idea where he is living (at night) I have no idea what he wants...what does he need to be happy? does he want to be married? this roller coaster has to tsp
Your H sounds a lot like mine. Especially with the bad memory and bad communicator part. Will be interested in seeing what a coach says. I'm on the fence about talking to one.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
I am grateful that my thread is being read. Thanks all for checking in with me.
My date with the DB Coach was awesome. I know, I know--not what you might expect, but I have to say, I wish I would have called sooner!
Some might think that you will hear support for 'your side of the story' and that your H or W or partner 'has issues'...maybe even think that once the coach or IC hears your side of the story that, finally someone will understand/side with you.
Well, there was no siding with me.
Overall, she says this is a wake-up call for me.. Yep, pull up the big girl panties and look at your self, Happy.
it was much more about how my contributions of being controlling and not giving H a say has led to him to feeling like he has lost his voice and that I would not hear him anyway if he was to really talk to me or what he says would not matter because he would be overwritten. That he is hurt, resentful and not feeling like a man.
We also lightly touched on my need to control in order to feel safe, secure which I had never thought about.
We went thru an exercise where I was to be my H and answer 4 questions, as if I was him answering 1) Mr, Happy, how would you describe your W 2) Mr Happy what frustrates you? 3) Mr Happy, how does your W see you & why did you marry her, why did she marry you? 4) Mr Happy, what is the most painful thing about your relationship. What hurts the most?
OMG, when she recited back to me my answers I can see why my H is not Mr. Happy, why he is not happy. She then asked me how I felt about her summary of the 4 answers and how I felt.
I feel empathy for H.
My homework is to do the same exercise again and I will record here. And to H to continue to give him space and not push R talks further. Listen, validate, empathize.
The goal is to break this cycle by together since we have the responsibility to teach our D about love, relationships, problem solving and communication. Basically, grow up and be adults.
H is willing to talk to DB Coach and I will ask him this weekend if he is still willing to talk to her.
After H talks to her, we will probably do a one more call with her, me and H all together.
1) Mr, Happy, how would you describe your W W is pretty and a great mom. But she is not very nice.
2) Mr Happy what frustrates you?
Nothing I do is good enough, she always want more, more, more. I am not good enough. I do not get to make any decisions except when I get to go to the bathroom and when we have sex. We do not live where I want to live or anything in the house is not mine or my style it is all her. Everything I do is for her and to make her happy. I have caved on everything so she is happy or because she will do it her way anyway or nag me until she gets want she wants.
3) Mr Happy, how does your W see you & why did you marry her, why did she marry you?
Ha, W does not see me at all. She does not care about me or think about me or my family. I am even not sure why she married me.
I married W b/c I love her. But I really did not want to be married. I married her bc she wanted to be married. She did not make me marry her. But I never wanted to be married, generally.
4) Mr Happy, what is the most painful thing about your relationship. What hurts the most?
All of it. I wasted my life. I have no idea who I am.
