barely holding on - 6

[JCred]

I don't mean to sound negative - but this is very confusing to me.

You aren't used to be a confident, emotionally strong male with some backbone. You are now showing some backbone and she it responding. Let her stew. It seems to be working.

Keep letting her understand that "this isn't working for you and you have decided it would be best that" _______________...

[u-turn]

Just journaling (thanks for listening - I feel a little guilty for not adding much to others - but really wound up with my own crap right now)

I know to focus on me and the kids, but she is acting so differently now that I do not want to make a mistake and un-do this process (if there is actually a process taking place).
Can this happen this quickly? (I doubt it)

She wasn't emotional any more after work - that did worry me that she is happy at work (and I know that is a terrible thing to think - she should be happy at work - this is how I would want our lives to be).

I know this is not going to be a linear process - I just don't want to be manipulated any more.

She did come home yesterday like nothing was different. Pretty happy and talkative, hugged the kids (unusual), hugged me (she forgot about my broken ribs and nearly took me down). Talked about things at work. She really seems to want to make conversation with me about anything (work, TV, weather) she is really trying.

She went to sleep early (without her phone).

This morning she apologized for keeping me up with her nightmares - I slept just fine and didn't notice though.

She sent me a pursuing text this afternoon which is throwing me off a little - I don't want to start analyzing her every move and I don't know if it manipulation or real changes.

w: Don't know if it is appropriate...just wanted to say hi...you are on my mind.
me: Thanks W. Hi. Thinking of you too. (not a lie - and I still want to acknowledge her and be friendly - I guess)

Didn't think I would be second guessing my every word now. I feel like I actually have an upper hand right now, feel strong, feel like I can be independent and she could be trying to chip away at that OR really make changes in fear of the loss.

Am I just playing her game?

[Wonka]

U,

No. Your W isn't playing games. She's trying to reconnect with you.

I liked how you interacted with W. Don't get too deep into naval gazing that you miss out on the positive forward movements. This is tremendous. You would want to be warm to W and not make any outlandish demands. It will take some time for you two to reconnect. Trust the process and be gentle with W.

List of the positives:

-feeling good at work
-happy and talkative
-hugged the kids
-hugged you
-talking with you
-went to bed early
-didn't have her phone with her
-sent you a text

Pretty swell in my book!

[u-turn]

Justin - thank you so much for this. Unfortunately your post that I am now replying to didn't show up until yesterday. 6 days after you wrote it. It would have certainly helped me.

It still does help though - I do understand and believe this to be all be true.

By the way (and I don't know if you have read and commented recently - I'll find out in a couple days). I did tell her that I am through and she can and should leave. I used the simplified script and didn't get into my feeling at all. Though it was one of the hardest things that I have ever said to someone, I felt good about it - I was ready.

She didn't want to know why - I am sure she knows.
But - after a couple days of throwing a bunch of excuses and reasons to not do this, she changed.

I am still dubious about her changes because they were very quick. I want them to be real. I want her to still believe that I am through and unless the changes are real, I don't want to be involved otherwise.

Basically I want to show her that "I WILL NOT HAVE MY HEART BROKEN AGAIN BY YOU". Now - I think that sounds weak to me, but maybe she saw it as strength.

When I stood up to her and this situation - at first she she had a small smile on her face and basically said "fine". But that changed by a couple of days later.

This is just a quick re-cap, but wanted to thank you for helping me find the right words.

[u-turn]

Thanks Wonka
I do see the positives and I have always looked for them. (I am skeptical when they appear - because I have been a fool (chump) for so long). They have been lies before (or I did not act on them in the right way). I do worry that the re-connection is not about me and her - only about perpetuating this mess.

Thanks for pointing the positives out. I am letting it sit now - not reminding her about the fact that I told her to leave a couple days ago.

I don't forget these things and I'm sure she doesn't either.

I'm just trying to stay positive with her.

Thanks!!

[T-Mom]

Wow, u-turn! A lot has gone on with you since I last checked in! So, where are you (both) at today?

[T-Mom]

... ps.... your strength is inspirational!

[Sotto]

Hey U-turn. I was pleased to hear about how things have gone since you had 'the talk' with your W. It is funny that sometimes sitches have to get to the point where you are 'done' before your S really sits up and listens.

It certainly sounds as though your W has been 'rocked' by what you have said. And I think you did well to do it in a calm, caring and specific way. I'm pleased for you that things seem to be on the turn.

It's very early days though, and you should proceed with caution with status of OM still a little unclear etc...but you know that already.

Good luck to you! x

[u-turn]

Thank you T-mom, I still feel strong about this - though sometimes I have to actually remind myself that I am through and proceeding with this S. I see changes and want to believe them, but know that just two weeks ago she violated my boundaries in a major way again.

Right now she seems like she is trying to get closer to me. She is trying to make conversation, she is sleeping in our bed, and she even touched my face with her hand in bed this morning (this doesn't seem like much, but it hasn't done that in a very long time).

All positive signs that I wish I can loose the skepticism about. I am on guard.

I am friendly and giving her 80% of this back (maybe 70%).

I think that she would like to just move on from this, but I know that I need to be prepared. She will likely not bring up anything about our conversations, so I will eventually want to know what's happening. I do not know how to do this without just bringing it all back up again. So I need to keep proceeding.

I can move forward WITH her, but I want her to know that I will not have my heart broken again.

When I write that it seems like I'm saying ok, one more chance, but this is really it this time. I cannot keep doing that.

[u-turn]

Thanks Toots - I wish I could say that we are coming out of the woods, but I don't feel that way yet. It is way too early and there is still so much I don't know.

I am trying to be cautious and not just fall for her again - she is and always has been very good at getting to me.