Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #5

[25yearsmlc]

HP

you have a lot to take in. But please, do that. Don't just move on to the next issue b/c

THESE ARE THE issues now, i.e. your son's welfare AND the status of your interactions with your w.

Hello claire, Calibri, and MCS. S12 is in bed now.

MCS, you're talking about the conversation I had with W on the phone? I don't know what happened. I'm writing what I'm feeling.

Hello claire. Those are very sobering examples and yes death is horrible. Somehow, at least for me, death, maybe b/c it's an irreversible one time event, is easier to accept than continuing betrayal that can be changed.


I think It's easier for most LBSers to imagine being widowed, b/c then they would not feel Rejected.

My sister was abandoned by her first h. She said at the time that she'd prefer being a widow b/c then she would "get sympathy and not feel so much humiliation." Her wounded ego was her problem.
BTW, that particular sister never did look at or own her own part in the divorce -b/c her h left her for OW. That way, she felt more victimized and "right"...which is too bad, b/c she's still in the same type of interacting in her newer R's...

I hope you won't repeat her pattern...


And yes that is the issue that I stick on... the thing that I put in the way of doing something as simple as being cordial to another human being that I've known for 20 years. That is what wakes me up at 3:30 in the morning. That is the problem I have to solve or get over minute to minute.

If that was simply gone... this would be different for me. Forgiveness I see clearly now is hard for me in the absence of remorse. I'm sure that means it's not forgiveness.

Forgiveness is all, completely, about YOU. It literally has nothing to do with her.

Yeah, I know you are shaking your head. Seriously! I said the same thing.

But here's the deal. Her feeling remorse for an A and for her part in the marital problems--yes that would be necessary for a reconciliation.
it's Not needed for you to forgive her.

Forgiveness means, in part, you Letting go of your victim status and letting go of your scorecard. It means Not letting your wife's transgressions occupy so much space in your head/heart.

She does not have to know you forgave her b/c it's not about her. IT's about you.

I could elaborate but I think you need to just take some of this in...first.


So, I don't accept someone who has wronged me without seeing remorse or at least seeing them pay.

Yes indeed the desire for revenge IS a character flaw of yours. Hope you'll get past it really soon b/c it's actually a crippling flaw and you'll never, ever have a successful marriage or even a close friendship if you appoint yourself judge
AND executioner

(which is exactly what someone who "needs" revenge is doing)

no one will survive their friendship with you. You'll punish them, or wish to, whenever your feelings are hurt...that's not a friendship most adults care to have. And it had no place inside a family or marriage, imo.

I used to call it "justice" but eventually I realized that was my spin on me just wanting to punish and calling it 'fairness".

I think it's partly a spiritual issue, so maybe a cleric you know could help.

That is the character flaw I'm not so well dealing with.

So Calibri yes, when my W is describing how S12 is feeling... she should be upset b/c it's upsetting.

She IS upset. Does that make it "Fair" enough for you?


She also felt desperate enough to leave the marriage. Sadly, it was her way of coping with an untenable situation. You keep veering away from looking at it that way, but it's key here. EMPATHY is key.


Her acting businesslike or like nothing is wrong or like supermom is what bothers me b/c there's no remorse showing for what she's doing.

Stop mind reading. STOP mind reading. Whenever she reveals her sadness, you think she's wrong b/c she "should just come home" but when she hides it, you think she's wrong b/c she's not paying for her sins...

Hey, that is NOT an attractive package you are wrapping up for her. Who'd want to come home to that? You sound so judgmental and critical there's no way she'll believe that she can come home.

You are Not keeping the road home, paved & smooth.

IF I were your wife, I'd assume that if we tried to reconcile, you'd hold the A over my head, or throw it in my face every time we argued. I would think you'd believe I owed you so much, that disagreeing with you, would be "unacceptable" to you.

I don't think I"d believe you were doing serious soul searching to own your part.

I think I'd fear that the marital problems that compelled me to leave and hurt my only son, would remain or return quickly.

If she asked to come in the condo for dinner like nothing was wrong... I'd throw her the hell out. But if she hung her head and showed remorse... then sure have some lasagne.

Wow, that sure sounds appealing. I wonder why she hasn't come to you, tail between her legs and begged for forgiveness...

Why do you think she hasn't done that, HP?


My W is having an A and, while sad and conflicted and maybe torn, is not remorseful. Is accepting sending her son to therapy and hearing him say terrible things to her and being a part time parent. She's accepting thinking that her H hates her and let him take her son and leave her home.

Well, HP, what choice does she have? I mean, you act as if you hate her. You've made it clear that the humiliation you would require from her (which you call "remorse") is something, evidently, she cannot do. Maybe she feels she has earned the right to an A.

((Almost every woman I know who has had an A, believes she deserved to have it b/c a critical element in her marriage was missing.))

I know is that when a woman with a child leaves a marriage for any reason, it sure must be a biggie to her.


Is accepting schlepping her son for hours in traffic to school after he didn't get a good nights sleep b/c crying baby. Is accepting potentially ruining her and her family's financial future. Is accepting that she has no home when there is a home right here with people who want her here.

wait, who is it that wants her home? Not you...

You mean your son? Ah, but you made it clear he doesn't get to be with her in the home b/c of the A...and lack of sufficient remorse in your eyes.

Even wonder if maybe she's not showing you her pain b/c it gets her nowhere - and makes it harder on your/her son? NOW She knows he needs to see her pain so he knows she cares about him.

Who gave him the idea that if his mom isn't overtly mourning, that she must be okay with all of this?

But I guess one person here... me... doesn't want her enough to act cordial for 2 minutes.

OR

Doesn't want his son to feel better, enough to overcome his desire to "make her pay".

Doesn't want her (OR HIS SON'S PEACE)

enough to forgive her or even act like he forgives her for the length of a basketball game.

Your mistake here^ is significant. No one thinks being cordial = forgiveness, (except you.)

You must remedy this mistaken belief, fast.

Being courteous b/c you are co-parents will remain impossible if you think it's "Giving HER" something. It's not. It's giving your son something and it's being an adult.

have you ever been courteous to a rude boss? Or accepted something you did not agree with, with civility? Or must you continue in your protests, ad infinitum?

Life is short HP....

Or he doesn't have enough faith to believe that doing so will get him what he wants. To not be rejected by his W for someone else.

Ouch.

So you believe that being courteous or cordial to your wife in front of your son, means you are going out on a limb? What are you risking?

Maybe you think it's risking rejection but That's only because you attach expectations (= "won't get him what he wants"...)

It's supposed to be about your behavior around your son/wife, and not putting strings on that. Your expectations are again getting you in trouble.

Being polite to her, is not a 'reward" to her. It's just mature behavior. I don't know that I can explain it better.