Db'd after W D me in 04 remarried W in 07 DB again

[25yearsmlc]

I rejoined the DB forum just a few days ago, so no I have not reread all of the books. I did however succeed at it the last time.


What does that^^ mean to you? How did you two reconcile, and what, if anything, changed in the r so that you both felt you could remarry - with a better chance of staying married the 2nd time around?

I'm not asking you this to BLAME you (or her for that matter). I'm asking so I can see where you may have overshot the goal, or whether you believe you missed anything.

Understand something--IF you did everything perfectly and you still end up here, that's really the worst case scenario b/c it means you are powerless. There's nothing you can do to improve the situation, give up, go home...

But if there is ANYTHING you can work on - in yourself or your approach to things, then you have somewhere to start.

Because as you surely must know by now, you cannot fix HER,

but you CAN work on YOU.

Make sense?



Yes, her mental illness is mostly likely caused by the abuse she endured and several experts have all said the PAs and other questionable behaviors are directly related.

I'm no expert but I sure fear oversimplifying things. "Directly related" is a big statement to make about an event that happened long ago. "A factor" makes more sense to me but I don't want to play word games.

Here's the point. If you play NO role in any of her choices, then there's not much you can do.

But if you dig really deep, and very bravely, maybe you can see something you can improve upon. I'd start there, with yourself. The rest of it is mostly out of your control anyhow.

No need to react defensively. You are not being attacked. I'm pointing you in the direction with the only chance of success, which is working on yourself.

That includes GAL--- which is absolutely required for true Detachment.


I'm by no means perfect, never said I was. The facts I blurted out are true, many details left out because new members are told to make short frequent posts to get out of moderation. Also keep short because of time I have to post.

The advice you gave about the food and fixing the SUV contradicts the advice of others, I merely asked for advice.


I merely gave some.


She can cook if she wanted to. Detaching and 180s worked best during my first round DBing so I was trying to find things to use.

Okay, so what are your 180s now, and what were they, then? What does detachment look like, to you?

Did I back slide? Of course I did, I'll try my best to never do it again , but I am human and it certainly could happen.

We all backslide, but if/when we learn where we went off track, we remedy it. If we gloss over it or remain vague, we tend to remain stuck.

Also, fwiw, I want you to know about opiate (and hydrocodone is an opiate) addiction and withdrawal.

When I was in the Army many years ago, I injured my back. After procedures and a surgery, I remained on pain killers for years.

Then I learned we were expecting our 3rd child. Though opiates themselves do not cause birth defects (thank God), my doctors said if I kept taking the pills, the baby would be born with a physical dependence and would need to be weaned off. That sounded pretty bad, so I chose to go through withdrawal.

But withdrawing makes your blood pressure spike up, and that can cause a miscarriage. So I went thru withdrawal in a hospital and was frequently monitored for blood pressure and other conditions that can arise in pregnant women and or those going through detox.

It was a brutal powerful experience. The physical aspects are horrendous and so they get the most attention.

But the psychological and emotional pieces are longer lasting and they are the biggest reason for relapse.

Here's why. Normally, our brains make chemicals called "endorphins" which are our natural "happy brain" chemicals. We make them when we are laughing, we make them when we are having enjoyable sex, and when we exercise strenuously, and other happy good times.


Opiates (like Percocet or Vicodin--your wife's drug of choice) make endorphins for us. So our brain stops making them b/c they are not needed by us.

When opiate use is stopped, we have NO endorphins. And it takes up to 6 (SIX) Months for our body to fully replace those endorphins. That means trouble sleeping, eating, exercising and all the things you'd want to do to feel better, are very difficult to do. That's why anti depressants are so frequently prescribed to those who are in recovery programs. Did your wife have a specialist for her treatment plan? Did he/she give you the information about what to expect?

Here are just a few....

The "after the withdrawal/detox" symptoms, include hyperalgesia (=the increased perception of pain, which really stinks when the reason you took the opiates in the first place, was for PAIN!),

And chronic insomnia, --which makes many other things worse--digestive issues that remain , depending on how long she used, decrease in sex drive varies, but can be dramatically low,

the belief that "Life will never get better" and a really bleak outlook is all part of the "No endorphins here" problem. That takes time AND a program structured for success, to overcome.

After our 2nd child was born, I was so happy and thrilled. We planned her arrival and were delighted that we now had a 'set" of kids, one boy and one girl - and both healthy.

Then on day 5, I awoke feeling VERY SAD...(no apparent reason). On TV there was a tragedy and I began weeping...hard. I felt deep sadness, and a creeping feeling that I'd "never" be happy again, grew.

Then it dawned on me that "this MUST be a post partum mood swing b/c the hormones are way off AND this sadness came on so suddenly..."

(I can only shake my head thinking of how I might have really gone off the deep end, if that same mood swing took weeks or months to come over me,

AND OR if I had not just had a baby and been so quickly, so dramatically changed over night. Hormones and brain chemicals DO affect us but sometimes it's only when they are sudden, that we really take notice.

After all, if it happened that^^ way, over lots of time, I might have started looking around to FIND reasons for my sadness...)

Severe depression is a long lasting part of withdrawal. It is an emotional and psychological response, to a physiological condition. I describe my post partum depression above, b/c that's what it also felt emotionally like, after detox.

It follows the patient for weeks to months after initial detox. Depression that is Untreated or under treated, is the single biggest reason for relapse.

If shame and or fear (perhaps of others finding out, or some legal ramifications) are also parts of her outlook, that's a seriously challenging situation.

Add to that mixture^^, a mental illness, and OH MY, she has a mountain to climb.

What's she like, at her best? And you?

When was the last time she was at or near that? And you?

Try to hold onto those images in your efforts to support her long term health, AND in your own program.

What is your plan for yourself, by the way? I mean, what are the 180s and GAL and what is your over all goal?

It's most important to act in accordance with your goals, and Not act in accordance with how you Feel.

Make sense?