Jim0987 #9 - Blackholes, cats and overanalysis

[Mozza]

Generally though she is just seething at me, nothing rude just nothing friendly. 24 hrs ago we were chatting reasonably so definitely think she knows about the snooping.

24 hours ago it was snowing here, but now that I moved my slippers in the bedroom, it stopped snowing so I definitely think it's the slippers.

It's amazing to me how you bring everything your W does back to you. I wonder if it's part of your condition, whatever it is. Anyway, your W has a full life with tens of things that can influence her behavior.

She is doing so much stuff now to make herself happy and I can't help but go 'why didn't you do this before?' (In my head obviously) I know her answer would be that I didn't let her but it's just not true. And its immensely frustrating that I see the only thing that stopped us being happy was us silently throwing blame around. And she is blaming me for it.

It's not you, it's the situation. Many of us do the same. I started working out daily (7 minute, as you know), I dress a little better, I changed my hairstyle a bit, etc. Is it because my W kept me from it before? No, it's because I was in a routine that's been broken by the S. We're creature of habits and these breaks in the continuum allow for us to do new stuff.

Also, remember that reality will sink in. She's not a new person. Everybody goes to the gym in January, nobody does in February. Maybe she will continue, but my point, again, is that it,s not about you. Let her go. Don't worry about her being happy without you, about you upsetting her, etc. We all think of the impact of our actions on our WAS, but in your case it seems to be stronger than average.

Anyway I really need to detach.

We all do.

[Vanilla]

Jim

Just get the next pair of shoes or trousers needed.

If there is no mention of snoop then leave alone. A mood is just a mood.

Time for bonding with kids I think, Jim, some ordinary every day fun stuff, you can make anything fun. D3 is old enough to learn some computer stuff, to draw, paint and be involved with dad. This will improve too in due course as you make your house into your home.

Act as if around the kids and enjoy this absolutely fabulous time of their childhood, it won't come round again. Children are life's gift to their parents. Jim have loving contact with these children, this is a once only deal. Your children are with you for life, Ws may be not so much.....

Have super fun
V

[jim0987]

It was a sudden change but its one of my 'issues' and one if my wife's complaints that I make everything about me.

Why this is is explained at length, great and repetitive length in fact, previously

[edz]

Jim, somewhere around the back of my head is the dent from the mental 2x4 I bashed myself with throughout august to stop me doing some of the same things (ok w wasn't there but I was obsessing with a nine mile high "o" go read my old postings..).

My advice echoes the above, for what its worth my advice on the shoes just say Okeydoke as happily as possible, pivot and off you go. But! You have to move toward believing it yourself and not stewing, thats what was hurting me, (in my head i was running 100 permutations of what ifs, what does that mean, why did w say that..... I drove myself totally loopy)


Your w wants to run her show...off she goes and let her the only option is how much you hurt yourself with worrying/working out what she needs to do/plan/ has she done etc (see we share some mental traits and its peppered through my august postings)

I have done this, I hurt myself, you all helped me, I stopped....more or less

no its not easy but you can -must- do it and you will. Doesn't change your core feelings but will let you live.

Anyway, dr phil dodgy jumper off, tech jeans and cisco t shirt on (not really its a nice burgendy number) why not go to maplin buy a raspberry pi dev kit and have fun with kids building a reto arcade machine or a weather station this weekend? Have a look at the retropie project.

Take it easy, breathe, relax :-)
Edz

[jim0987]

So wife and I had a conversation about the move and seperation this evening. I'm not sure how well it went in a lot of ways

the gist of the conversation was that she wants to resolve everything. Lots of stuff said but key comments points she made

- She feels like i'm deliberately stalling and holding things up
- She feels like I have all of the control and am 'milking it' to keep her here
- She hates being here as it doesnt feel like its her house
- the last 4 months have been the most miserable of her life
- She cant talk to me about normal stuff, she doesnt have the energy for it as she is 'worn too thin'
- she feels she is stronger than she ever gave herself credit for
- she needs to move out so she can move on from me
- D3 is excited by the move and so i need to hurry up 'For D3's sake'
- she keeps wanting to move back to her home county but is 'doing her bit' by staying local
- she is getting a lot of pressure about the move from the rest of the chain
- She feels like i called her a 'money grabbing whore' because i said i need to financial protect myself
- She objected for me 'colouring' her when i said i understand how you feel about XYZ
- She repeatedly implied that i wouldnt hold up my responsibilities towards the kids after she moves. She even said she had looked up the stats for when fathers walk away

key bits from me
- I was calm and quite softly spoken throughout and dont think i rose to anything
- I did say i wasnt walking away
- I told her a couple of times 'you know how i feel about you' and 'I need you to move so i can start to get over you'
- when she bought up some past stuff i said 'I'm sorry that happened and that i didnt realise what i needed to change, I cant change the past but i can treat you in the right way in the future'
- she baited me on a couple of things or told me things i'm not happy about which because i couldnt respond positively i said something different
- When she pushed me i repeatedly said i will need to speak to my solicitor on monday
- I was ok at validating and a few times for different things said 'sorry if thats how what i said made you feel, my intent was .......'
- i dont think there was any bitterness in my voice at all
- I corrected a couple of things but didnt get drawn into arguments (for example about the kids) but i did say 'i'm disappointed that you think I might not look after the kids'

So no idea whether that was good, bad, indifferent or what BUT i think the big thing is that for the most part i didnt get into any of the whys of the relationship breakdown, or say anything accusatory

it may have been a bit wet noodle but ultimately i stuck to my i will speak to my solicitor on monday stance.

[jim0987]

Thanks edz.

I do know i'm hurting myself more than she is hurting me. The trouser thing is odd because I definitely have not done anything with them deliberately (Not going to swear i havent mistakenly put them in the wrong draw or something)

I'm getting much better in the last week or so which is good given at the moment everytime i get home more stuff is packed. the headspace app is helping quite a bit i think

it was the snooping that derailed me a chunk. but then i had a couple of opportunities tonight and didnt. the success will be when i dont even notice the opportunity.

[edz]

Turn on the cruise control it gets easier not easy but easier.

[Karma12]

please don't be so hard on yourself. Maybe right some positive affirmations out and repeat them to yourself every night before bed. Find one thing each day to be grateful for. Be a friend to yourself.

Try not to let your W's mood affect you. Who knows what went on in her day. When we are walking on eggs shells and our mood is determined by their mood we are really in for a roller coaster ride.

Enjoy the time with your kiddo's. Keep up the PMA even if you have to fake it at first. GAL on your own or with the kids. Keep busy.

[Karma12]

Ugh that's write not right

[gan]

Jim, I remember the pre-move out conversations and they are tough. All you can do is listen and try not to loose your sh1t. Sounds like you did that as best you could. W seemed to express some true feelings there, but she also threw in a few ones to try to make you feel guilty (e.g. D3 being excited to move). Also sounds to me that she's not acknowledging her own role in all her misery, but so be it...not your problem.

Are you deliberately stalling and holding things up?

I wanted to come back to the trust thing. You seem to take it so personally that W thinks she can't trust you. If the reality is different then lighten up on yourself and use your actions to show her this is so in time. Also, does it strike you as a bit odd that you are worrying so much about making her feel like she can trust you, when she is the one who had multiple PAs? Do you trust her?