My friend, I so understand those feelings of guilt and regret. Things we wished we had done or done differently. I have come to believe that we do the best we can at the time. Looking back, there are always things we see that we wish we had done better.
As you know, I was/am the caretaker in my family. It is not a job I wanted or asked for, but, its what I got. I was responsible for a whole lot, including the care and eventually, the plans and all that comes with it, with the death of my mom, dad and my xFIL. No one else stepped up, so I did. It sometimes used to bother me. I have siblings. They could have helped. But that was their choice as doing the right thing was mine.
I know you feel terrible guilt regarding your sister. I also know that you did what you thought was the right thing in that moment. That's really the best you can do.
It is important that you work towards forgiving yourself. And it is just as important that you mourn your sister's death properly. Necessary in order to move forward.
As far as your sitch, as I have told you before, I believe when you decide you cant live with it any longer that you will make a decision.
Having said that, I do want to say this. Not making a decision is one of sorts. And it is ok sometimes. My worry for you has always been that you dont think you deserve more than what you have. And you so do, Nero.
I understand the financial aspect. You know my story. I was and still am in very bad financial shape. But I remember the day when I had to stand for me. I had to knowingly put myself in a position where I was going to lose everything by filing, in order not to lose me.....because I mattered. I was no longer willing to allow what he was doing to control my life.
I feel sometimes as if your fear of financial struggle is so great that you are willing to lose some of you so as not to feel it.
At some point, though, the cost will be too high, my friend.
I have great hope that you will know when that is.
I know it is scary to think of something else and doing something different.
I also know how worthy you are. I know, without a single doubt, that you would be ok with another choice.
I respect your right to make the decision that is best for you at this time.
As long as that decision is from a place of strength and not fear.
I have seen many changes in you. We all get to where we need to be in our own time.
I think you need to take a deep breath and work through all that has happened in the last year. I think you need to mourn your sister and your mother.
I also think you should embrace who you are, Nero, because you are an amazing soul. There isnt anything wrong with being positive and looking for the good in people. Those are wonderful qualities.
Celebrate you. Remember your worth. Find stuff that fills you up and know that you will be more than ok with whatever decisions you make...just because of who you are.
