Card29 IX - New Year, New Card

[Card29]

I have found myself suddenly swelling with stressful thoughts, so I want to get them out on paper so that I can acknowledge them.

- IF WAW wanted to reconcile, would I? Today I don't know

- IF WAW wanted a D, I do think I would need to mourn even more, even if I don't want to stay M to her. Either decision she could make would stress me out, yet I also feel impatient for her to make a decision.

- I really want to live in my friend's vacant apt, especially for that rent, but I just don't see how it will work with my dogs not being allowed there

- I need to break a MNG tendancy and discuss my parenting boundary with my mom, regarding D2. She has constantly been stepping over into "mom of D2" role, and I'm less and less cool with it. Her bedroom is right next to D2's. I was using a baby monitor but now I'm having technical difficulties with it. She is supposed to let me know if D2 wakes up, but I've learned recently that D2 has been waking up a couple of times a night and mom hasn't told me about any of them. She scoops her and takes care of her. She is also spoiling the heck out of her. She buys her new things almost everyday. She gives her stickers (supposed to be her reward for attempting the potty) constantly. She gives her anything she ever asks for, even when D2 is fussing and asking for a million things. She is never, ever firm with D2 when it comes to rules or boundaries. I guess she's playing the "spoil your grandchildren" card, but that is only tolerable if you see them once a month, or something. It does not work if your gchild lives with you.

- Speaking of the dogs, right now they are a tremendous amount more work than they are worth at the moment. Plus, I don't feel like I'm giving them the attention or exercise they need, so I feel bad about that. I would just start looking for new homes for them, but they're part WAW's, and she was shook up when I hinted that I didn't want them. I'm trying not to stress her out right now, to let her process her emotions, so for now I guess I need to deal with them as I have been.

- S's friend...I'm not smitten with her anymore, but I find myself resisting letting go of her for the time being, just because she is such a good match "on paper". We are supposed to go skiing (as friends, with a group) at some point in the next couple of weeks. I know in my brain, and now increasingly more in my heart, that we are not ready for each other (or anyone else) right now. 25yearsmlc's suggestion off off limits for all of 2015 makes me shudder, though. Really, a whole extra year, even after being S since July, and digging into myself that entire time? And that thought makes me wonder if I really do have a compulsive need to be in an R